Time of Dying

I haven't been on here in forever. My life has been turned completely upside down.

I was so sick with bipolar, I did so many horrible things. I left my husband, sold everything in our house, and left with another man.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I went to a psych ward, and then to a rehab in Texas. I actually miss the people at the rehab, I wish I could go back.

After rehab, I had to go live with a licensed drug counselor. That really sucked, but my mom wouldn't let me come home.

After a few months there, the counselor called my mom and told her if I didn't come home, I was going to die. I had tried to kill myself twice while I was there.

So, on Christmas, my mom brought me back home. Back to Ohio. She and I didn't get along at first, but we're doing better now.

I was served with divorce papers this week. I'm going to have to go to legal aid to get a lawyer. I don't want a divorce, but I have no choice. I hurt my husband too much for him to forgive me.

Then, today, I did something really stupid. My mom had told me that my husband posted new pictures of my kids (who I haven't seen or spoken to in almost 7 months now) on his Facebook. So I got a picture of one of my husband's friends, and created a fake facebook account and became friends with my husband.

I was looking at his page, and I discovered he had a girlfriend. I wanted to smash the computer. I've been crying for hours now. I wanted him to be as lonely and miserable as I am, and now I find out that he's fucking some bitch. I am beyond heartbroken. I can't stand this.

I don't think I've ever been as suicidal as I am right now. I want to kill him, then myself.

I hate life.

 

October-
First, I am glad to see you are posting again.....
I'm sorry to hear that life has been so rough for you lately-
Things will get better if you work at it- It sounds to me like you may need to be talking to a Doctpr about adjusting your medication somehow......
Talking about killing your ex and yourself is very serious and if you begin to think you really may act on it-please seek medical attention immediately.


The most important thing in all of this are your innocent children- who I know you love very much.
Let them be your motivation to get your life back on track- find happiness again.....So when you can bring them back into your life, they see someone who is healthy adn not suffering.
Take Care

 

I was wondering where you went off to October. Glad to see you back, although I'm sorry to hear the circumstances of your absence.

You probably don't want to hear this, but regarding your ex-husband: what did you expect? You left him, sold all of your (I'm assuming) shared possessions, and left with another man. It's a bit unrealistic to expect him to wait for you to come around after that. I'm very sorry to hear that you're upset at this, but clearly the relationship wasn't working out if you left. Bipolar or not.

I agree with ocean, on pretty well all counts. You should consider seeing a psychologist (and perhaps psychiatrist if it is in fact bipolar) to get this straightened out. I think that it might be a bit normal to feel a surge of rage when you find out that an ex- has moved on, but you need to be able to channel and dissipate that rage in a healthy way, or you will wind up hurting yourself or someone else. If for no other reason, threatening death on yourself or others will make it a lot harder for you to ever have contact with your kids again.

Please take care of yourself October. I remember reading your early blog posts, and seeing what a great person you are. I've no doubt that you still are a wonderful person, you've just made a few poor choices in the last little while. There's no shame in asking for help. Regardless, do keep in touch.

You're a tough cookie, you can get through this.

 

Good to hear from you - please take care!

You have to understand if you leave someone they're not going to wait for you to come back forever, please don't take this as an offense. If he had left you, would you have waited for him indefinitely to come back to you? I think not.

I'm not judging you at all, just trying to share with you how he probably feels about the situation.

I really missed your posts from OD! You've given BL great contributions, I hope to see you back here!

Peace,
CH