throw it on the fire

[onetwothreefour]

as usual, please feel free to critique this.

splashed milk
on her thigh
is thick, stained-red
[and thickening]

spilt money
on the sidewalk
queen-bruised and bloody
[it's sickening]

suckle at the dollar
hustle in the street
another day;
space!!!work
space!!![no]
space!!!rest
space!!![no]
space!!!play
space!!![no]
accuse me with you stares, please

 

[cherub]

very unique ,,, i like,,

 

[RareForm]

i liked the format. another good write dude... well that's nothing new.. :D

 

[BullitNutz]

accused found guilty of innocence

 

[harraser]

at first i wasnt in to this one.

ive read through it a couple of times now and if i read it with the voice of Phil Anselmo (from Pantera) doing his best smoke stained hopeless rumble (think the backing vocals from Flood) then it works really well. all but the last line. for some reason i really dont like it. i think because the rest of it is a description, as if seen from outside, describing a hopeless scene but somewhat seperate and desensitized. then the last line makes it about you (or whoevers point of view you were writing from). it makes it personal and that changes the feel. maybe its just me but it seems to cheapen it. if it was my writing (and im aware its not) i would maybe have slightly reworded that last line to keep the view from outside, a voyuer on someone elses pain rather than having them push it at you.

"suckle at the dollar
hustle in the street
another day;
work
[no]
rest
[no]
play
[no]
just asking for thier accusing stares"

or maybe
"begging to be accused by their stares"
"begging, accused by their stares"

anyway thats just me, overall i really liked it. it would go nicely behind some dark deep music, with the words like a subtext to the bleeding hopelessness of the music.