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threw out all my rigs.. ;o

infantannihilator

infantannihilator

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
899
Location
Canada
had half a box of new pins, tons of sterile water, cottons, buncha spoons.. the works. tossed my sharps bin too.. prob should have dropped it at the exchange but its a ways and I just want it out of here. least theye in a bin and not loose.

i know if it really comes down to it.. Ill find a way to get more rigs, make a new spoon, etc.. but at least its one more obstacle in the way, rather than just being ready to 'go' at any time.

anyway heres to being sober for another little while.. just got out of bed after a week, finally feeling alive again as it were. feel great at this moment truth be told, wish I could always feel this well. Ive gotta get my shit together, I cant keep blowing paychecks.. blowin work for that matter, Im a broken record really. Ive gotta move end of the month, didnt hae rent, told roommat I was out. In theory I'll easily be able to save a first and last in the next two weeks and find a place for april.. but I may also go homeless/back to a shelter again.. I can't fuck up te rest of the month. I should have made close to $800 this week but I couldnt get out of bed. pathetic. absolutely pathetic. Ive had no computer since AUGUST and Ive had 10x over enough for a high end gaming rig (which would also serve as a major istraction and deterrent to satiating myself with drugs) yet.. still no comp. and im flat broke. Ive got $6, some bus tokens, and im down to the nibbles in the pantry. this has happened over and over the last year.. I can earn so much.. yet i blow what I do, and then am impaired from makin more. why? why do I do this to myself..
 
Getting rid of all that stuff is a step in the right direction. Don't beat yourself up too badly for missing work. At least you still have a job right? Do you definitely have to move? I mean, can you work something out with your room mate so you won't have to be homeless? We do this to ourselves over and over because we're addicts. It's great you're feeling alive again!

Now, get a plan in place so you don't relapse. Recognize your triggers, don't drive past places that you would cop. Delete dope connects from your phone and stay away from any user friends. You could join a recovery group. Keep posting here and you will get plenty of support. It gets better, I promise. You can do this! <3
 
Well there's people coming tomorrow to check the place out.. I feel like I need to change scenery. I accidentally texted my roommate last week that I wanted a g.. feels bad man. he knows for sure what the deal is now. Im also above a bar and quite frankly cant sleep properly here.. 9am-3am every day. it was great when I got out of the shelter but.. its terrible now.

I kinda liked the shelter to be honest. Yeah, it was loud and sketchy and smelly.. but I got into a routine, I ate great, I was sober and social, always had people to talk to. I learned a shitload about people. I focused a lot on my writing and just getting up and going. Not wanting to be there other than to eat was a huge motivation. In truth I can't go back.. but since I left a year ago shit went to hell and I started using more than ever, really my post/thread history says it all. its a fucking trainwreck nightmare.

I've got a few options in my mind, one is asking my boss to live at work for a month or two, tgeres an unused apartment there. I'd bank so many hours without 3-4hours of commuting a day. Im so tired at the end of a day too, ans thats a major trigger for using. Maybe see if I can work another month here.. but I need out. Shelter is a last resort, but I know I cqn hack it from experience...
 
Congratulations infantannihilator. Shooting up it's also an addiction and i'm glad you manage to stop with that. Some people can stop with the drug, but not the needle, they are in love with the ritual. So that's a very important step. Keep it up man!
 
Infantannihilator you are tough and strong. It's clear that you can endure some obstacles. Shelter life, 4 hour commute, living above a bar, working hard even in the depths of addiction. You are an amazing human. You just detoxed by yourself is what it sounds like. You have already fought so many fights and now just have the one more battle left.

Talk to your boss, get that place at work. Your head is in the right place so you can do this. Good luck. Keep posting. What an inspiration you are.
 
I wish all of us the best. I am just so very tired. Reading about the struggles and the empty pantry and the hopelessness. Infantannihilator you are me and I am you. Not dead yet (me) is on MMT. That's the only thing that ever helped. I still go to 5 or 6 meeting a week and return to drinking over and over.

I don't tell anyone and by withholding information, I am lying to my friends. Me? I need to get out for my long walks again. I talk to God and ask Him for help. Most times, I doubt He is hearing me. I have been at this shit since I was 17. It's amazing because now I am 63. Still trying and full of empathy for my fellow addicts. I hate what happens to us. Michael
 
Thanks guys.. I can't help but beat myself up. The rigs were for cocaine, though I did shoot meth and some RC stims, but mostly cocaine. It's been ongoing for a year now since I got out of the shelter. The "detox" in bed was the result of codeine which sounds lame but I'd go through a 100 count bottle a day,and at $10 a pop and being available otc at any pharmacy, of which there are thousand.. its been a major problem for me for years now. I have absolutely the highest respect for anyone going through opiate withdrawals, this past one wasnt as bad, but Ive done a week or two barely sleeping writhing in achey wanna puke pain and that was terrible. however.. Ive never known a "draw" or "pull" a substance can have until I got into iv coke. it is insane. if heroin has the same mental draw I would definitely be dead, but Ive been fortunate enough not to go any harder than codeine knowin how much I like it. I od'd back in the summer and was hospitalized and did more coke that same night with my arm in a sling (dislocated it during the seizure). ive quit cigs, from a pack to cold turkey and to me that was a breeze compared to all this

ive been pretty fucking unstable ever since i started dabbling with codeine.. started small ans got worse. ive been a wreck for years now.. I just cant seem to stay stable. im never confortable in my own skin. im going to work today and ill be coming home with $300.. i should come home, eat, go do laundry, come home and try to sleep.. I dont want to use coke. I cant get a bottle of codeine because itll start another cycle. i feel i need some reward. Ill provably drink. the taste of whiskey reminds me of coke in my veins, i can taste it in my throat. its dangerous. i feel i need some reward. something.

ive been drinking enough tea to make the average mammals heart explode. im anxious. antsy. scared. scared of sobriety. i did it two years ago for six months. i dont think i was long enough. i got triggered and fell. i tried to kill myself last winter. thats when i shot up for the first time. thats when i walked out of the mental ward into the streets without a home anymore. thats when i lay in the shelter bunk in a dorm of 50 nasty smelly men snoring their asses off. unable to sleep. nearly crying, part because i had trashed my serotonin system shooting methylone, part because i couldnt stop thinking about what else id like to try.. partwondeing how in the fuck a guy who was taking home a grand a week, had a new car, an amazing place, the love of his life.. how a guy like me could lose it all for a moments escape.. and here i am.

im not doing any better. im not homeless, but im worse. im extremely grateful im good at what I "do" and my boss has been more like a father than my own through my struggles. he knows my head is fucked. he knows im a basketcase. he's seen what ive had and all thrown away and by that alone he knows something is seriously wrong with me.. whatever it may be.

Im gonna leave for work in about an hour.. im apprehensive ans anxious. I know in my heart and soul I feel great after a days work,I love seeibg the people there and trutg be told its the only social contact I have anymore, so it does me wonders. I just fear the end od te\he day. that feeling like im missing out on something, even though the financial weight will be off myshoulders and ill have been infinitely more useful to myself and society by havin worked rather than lay in bed all day watching youtube bored off my ass.

sorry for spelling mistakes.. I only have a cheapo tablet and im terrible at typing on it. I just needed to let my mind go and felt this was the best place.
 
made it through my day.. going on 24h. my hips/knees/ankles/feet are on fire. i forgot to mention ive a physical ailment which leads to me using opiates. the only remedy of sorts is pain relief. ive had enough issues with codeine that i REFUSE any higher opiates..

I mamaged not to get t1s.. but i got a bottle of whiskey,and now the cocaine bug is eating me.

imabout togo do laundry and read and go talk to the girl at the bookstore near by. i feel so free and easy. i cannot do coke, but every fibe of my being is telling me to
 
i was about to pass out and not do my laundry, but i have to go out and do it. only woke up after 8 shots..gah. im such a failure
 
8 shots of what?

Don't consider yourself a failure. It is a difficult road. One simply doesn't just walk into sobriety. %).

Any progress is good.
 
Stay positive! It sounds like you didn't shoot up while you where drinking? If you didn't then throwing out the rigs seems to have worked. If you keep taking small steps away from harmful addictive behaviors then before you know it things will be much better. As far as the codeine goes I think you realize that the hell only deepens with more potent opiates. Stay the hell away from heroin and its pharmaceutical brethren. Also you get physically dependent to codeine faster every time you go thru the cycle of use and withdrawal.

Anyway stay positive and focus on making small steps toward your goals.
 
Congratulations.. You've got this!! Throwing everything away proves how strong you are.
 
It's good to throw away needles if you're an IV user & want to quit. I'd throw all of mine away if I could (I can't, I need them to administer medicine to myself)
 
gah. I just called my guy but he was 1-2 hours out sobi cancelled.. I have to work tomorrow. Im so tired as is.. been up since 4am... Its fucking insane how I try to rationalize using.. there is nothing else in the world can imagine spendin this kinda money on. Its almost like im fucking posessed when I pick up the phone

its not me.... but it is

is fucking dreadful
 
these cravings are worse than anything ever imaginable. opiates make you want to usr just to feel normal.. iv coke just makes you want. i just felt the wavesubside. you have no idea how hard it was to tell my guy no. i feel like i fought ten centuries of battles on the Aegean within my soul.

I quit smoking cold turkey from a pack+ a day.. that.. that is childsplay.

i wish i never shot coke. i really do:( i can never take back knowing.. thats the worsr part of addiction. you break a barrier and its broken. you cant mend it..merely just try and stand guard
 
infantannihilator said:
i can never take back knowing.. thats the worsr part of addiction. you break a barrier and its broken. you cant mend it..merely just try and stand guard
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That's some true shit. But the other side of it is you also know how it totally destroys everything good in your life while the amazing feeling of the drug slowly fades away. Its a loosing proposition.
 
Hey guys, I figured I'd throw out an update.. this is more for me I suppose, but anyway I've been good. I did end up moving. It's been a month and 3 days since I last shot coke. I will admit I have done coke the "regular" way twice in the last month more as a social party thing with people I know, and I don't regret it because I can control that kind of use (sorry if this goes against sober living..)

In terms of outpatient stuff.. that kind of thing is really hard to get here, and quite frankly while I felt far gone I was not at the point for any sort of immediate admittance etc..

That said, a month no IV is not that big a deal - except I have more money on me than I've had in well over a year.. I'm sitting on close to 2 grand since I moved and have been really working again and it feels AMAZING to not have to be constantly counting nickles since I blew all my money shooting blow.

I had a close call last night and talked to a friend, I find if I can talk to someone that I can beat the urges.. it's a huge matter of isolation which leads to using.

I've gained a good 10-15lbs over the last month and I almost feel like my metabolism got fucked up, but I don't care.. I kinda welcome the bit of chub. I feel strong and well, and I've noticed more acceptance from strangers in terms of looks and smiles.

I'm nowhere near out of the water.. but I hope I've put the HUGE urges behind me.. I feel like I can handle this.. it's been insane.

I have to ask a question for IV users, has anyone ever noticed weird numbness/pain on the back of your arm just above the elbow? I get such an odd feeling and I think it has to do with hitting the deep veins in my forearm..

Anyway, while my arms have some scars, at leas theyre not swollen and ugly and here's to a summer not afraid to go outside.. not afraid to leave my room.. nont having towear long sleeves and sweat to death!
 
cj said:
That's some true shit. But the other side of it is you also know how it totally destroys everything good in your life while the amazing feeling of the drug slowly fades away. Its a loosing proposition.
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It totally is..but the absolute worst thing about this drug is how it entirely fucks your thinking to justify it even when you know in your "heart"

The amount Ive gone out of my way for it before.. is insane. Nevermind the financial aspect, just in terms of the logistics.

Last night I went downtown to do laundry, talked with a few people at my fav bookstores as I did and on my wayhome the bug hit me. I instantly thought in my head I could hit the 24h pharm, call my guy, time out a perfect meet up..

In reality, it would have been 1am by the time I grabbed, and Id be up until 4 or 5am..

I didn't and woke up at 6 and worked 10 hours today. Had I grabbed.. I'd have not worked at all.

Im important. I'm talented. I cant have this in my life.. as amazing as it feels for 5 mins a hit..

just thinking about the effort and resulting destruction for 5 mins MAX of fun.. fuck me, its INSANE. and yet it ruled me for a year
 
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