So today makes 3 weeks off methadone and the whole process has been kinda... easy. Its probably because the jump dose was 2mg/day and I had been at that dose for 10 days before I decided "fuck this whats the point" and got out.
This week finds me sleeping a bit better. The first 2 weeks i spent getting up every 2-3 hours a night so about 3 times a night. I would smoke a dab or a joint each time it happened so I was burning through literally 2 times the weed a week because i was smoking when id otherwise be asleep.
I also felt a complete lack of desire to work even though my job is largely this, this right here on bluelight, because the business is very slow and on its last leg. Theres no one working here anymore so I can come in after smoking a joint around the block and say "fuck everyone i dont give a fuck!" sit down and theres actually no one to tell me not to do that sometimes. As in the only manager is on the phone so "no one hears it" LOL its fucking great. Best decision ever was when i was looking at a job for 16/h to do call center work (i do customer service phones) and when i was planning my summer i realized "wait i have been a slave to heroin for 4 years, i was in a 6 year relationship that ended i am NOT going to be a slave tethered to a desk for the first summer since college i can do whatever the fuck i want! So yeah it was a massive insurance provider and it would have been good benefits but you know what FUCK THAT I have 6 months of fun.
But I have had some amazing trips lately and i think this summer i will repeat what i did in 2008, take what should be an unhealthy amount of L. There was once a time I was doing a 10 strip every week and I wanna be doing that again. Maybe not to the excess i did then exactly but close. I want to be like how i was before i got out of college, take all the psychedelics at inappropriate times and pull it off. This whole thing was reinvigorated by going to see Big Gigantic in NYC and remember just how much i love tripping in chaotic and confusing scenarios that involve a lot of critical thinking. Like its never an extreme enough environment so I am going to go with that feeling and do it every chance my work schedule allows me to, provided there is something to do. I use to just take L to take L but now i need a show or something to go do.
I have also been doing Ketamine once a week. And my ex g/f asked if i was worried it would get out of hand, I am not. 2 weeks ago, again in the city before Big G, I was candy flipping on 5 hits and 200mg. Security was tight and me being an idiot put the k in a vial so i could do it off the cap at the show, yeah well there was no way that vial was getting past these people they were almost looking to kick people out it seemed. I thought i stashed it good but it fell into the street i guess, I noticed and was like "dude fuck that gram if they said "you need to grind 2 into the street to get in i would have"
But I really love my new life in a sense. The bills i have are a lot but i almost feel at anytime if i wanted i can go "fuck you student loans" as i did for YEARS. They should be thankful i am paying a lot to try to clear that up. I love the fact my ex and i are still friends, all i wanted was her happiness and shes a different person now that we arent heroin addicts. My younger brother the crackhead heroin addict who was draining my family (i had a full time job my parents never paid for (more then a handful of times
my dope or crack) is now out of prison and a literal body builder with a job. The dude can curl like 100lb on a single arm... ive seen it and its ridiculous to think he went from chubby kid, to deathly skinny crack head to like 190 all muscle.
You know sometimes I get teary eyed thinking these stories dont come in 3s. Thinking how can my hopelessly suicidal heroin addicted g/f quit methadone before me, get the strength to leave me to develop herself and turn into the person i always knew was there. And my younger brother go to prison get caught smoking weed in prison come out and respect his body and parole enough to only do what he can get away with. His best friend, also a junkie prior, got clean and is now the one getting us back into the grateful dead / raving scene. I always knew i would get clean so thats not surprising to me everyone elses story always seems so much more unlikely. I just want everyone to know there is hope. Sometimes I dont understand how I got so lucky...
This week finds me sleeping a bit better. The first 2 weeks i spent getting up every 2-3 hours a night so about 3 times a night. I would smoke a dab or a joint each time it happened so I was burning through literally 2 times the weed a week because i was smoking when id otherwise be asleep.
I also felt a complete lack of desire to work even though my job is largely this, this right here on bluelight, because the business is very slow and on its last leg. Theres no one working here anymore so I can come in after smoking a joint around the block and say "fuck everyone i dont give a fuck!" sit down and theres actually no one to tell me not to do that sometimes. As in the only manager is on the phone so "no one hears it" LOL its fucking great. Best decision ever was when i was looking at a job for 16/h to do call center work (i do customer service phones) and when i was planning my summer i realized "wait i have been a slave to heroin for 4 years, i was in a 6 year relationship that ended i am NOT going to be a slave tethered to a desk for the first summer since college i can do whatever the fuck i want! So yeah it was a massive insurance provider and it would have been good benefits but you know what FUCK THAT I have 6 months of fun.
But I have had some amazing trips lately and i think this summer i will repeat what i did in 2008, take what should be an unhealthy amount of L. There was once a time I was doing a 10 strip every week and I wanna be doing that again. Maybe not to the excess i did then exactly but close. I want to be like how i was before i got out of college, take all the psychedelics at inappropriate times and pull it off. This whole thing was reinvigorated by going to see Big Gigantic in NYC and remember just how much i love tripping in chaotic and confusing scenarios that involve a lot of critical thinking. Like its never an extreme enough environment so I am going to go with that feeling and do it every chance my work schedule allows me to, provided there is something to do. I use to just take L to take L but now i need a show or something to go do.
I have also been doing Ketamine once a week. And my ex g/f asked if i was worried it would get out of hand, I am not. 2 weeks ago, again in the city before Big G, I was candy flipping on 5 hits and 200mg. Security was tight and me being an idiot put the k in a vial so i could do it off the cap at the show, yeah well there was no way that vial was getting past these people they were almost looking to kick people out it seemed. I thought i stashed it good but it fell into the street i guess, I noticed and was like "dude fuck that gram if they said "you need to grind 2 into the street to get in i would have"
But I really love my new life in a sense. The bills i have are a lot but i almost feel at anytime if i wanted i can go "fuck you student loans" as i did for YEARS. They should be thankful i am paying a lot to try to clear that up. I love the fact my ex and i are still friends, all i wanted was her happiness and shes a different person now that we arent heroin addicts. My younger brother the crackhead heroin addict who was draining my family (i had a full time job my parents never paid for (more then a handful of times
my dope or crack) is now out of prison and a literal body builder with a job. The dude can curl like 100lb on a single arm... ive seen it and its ridiculous to think he went from chubby kid, to deathly skinny crack head to like 190 all muscle.You know sometimes I get teary eyed thinking these stories dont come in 3s. Thinking how can my hopelessly suicidal heroin addicted g/f quit methadone before me, get the strength to leave me to develop herself and turn into the person i always knew was there. And my younger brother go to prison get caught smoking weed in prison come out and respect his body and parole enough to only do what he can get away with. His best friend, also a junkie prior, got clean and is now the one getting us back into the grateful dead / raving scene. I always knew i would get clean so thats not surprising to me everyone elses story always seems so much more unlikely. I just want everyone to know there is hope. Sometimes I dont understand how I got so lucky...
