Misskitt
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2020
- Messages
- 105
7 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years. He was a complete straight liner and such a nice guy but I wasn’t in love, attracted to him at all anymore (physical affection and sex repulsed me), I was convinced that I just hated sex now and couldn’t stand people touching me. He was also extremely boring and very passive and weak. It was coming for a while and I Am positive that I made the right decision to end it. Also I had been talking to my eldest sons dad ‘D’ and picked him up from the airport and realised I still had strong feelings for him. So yeah ended the relationship and made the right call.
Not long after I started hooking up with D. He was my first love and I his we got together when we were around 18 were together 2 years, broke up got back together had our son lived together again, broke up, then we’ve hooked up every now and again for the past 7 or so years. Our relationship was very volatile. He was a very angry person and it was a very abusive relationship. Eventually I acted out and ended up cheating and shit. He was very controlling and sometimes even when we weren’t together would find out I’m hooking up with someone and abuse me. I’ve had to get 3 restraining orders in the past when we were volatile. I was no angel, I used to lie and hide shit all the time which drove him crazy. Fast forward to now and we have both come along way as people.
He has been staying with me for the past 7 weeks. I have used twice in the past 2.5 years and he has used quite regularly and has been on a 6 month bender before I starting seeing him. We have been on a bender for the first 6 weeks with a week or two in there clean. Had a week break and got on it again last night. I stopped using IV because he hated me doing it. I’m used to being straight, in control, just with uni and solely raising my children. He just hasn’t left my house which I have been ok with and he’s helped me move. He also hasn’t been working for the first time in 7 years and has stopped paying his child support which is a big part of my income. I recently got a payout so I’ve been supporting us both financially.
Lately when he hasn’t been on it he’s started to get a bit mean. Not abusive just rude to me and makes me feel bad about myself. He usually apologises. But I’ve noticed my confidence starting to diminish and I haven’t been standing up for myself. He also doesn’t show affection to me or come onto me like he did 7 weeks ago. I realised that I do in fact have a massive sex drive and need physical and emotional intimacy and I’m feeling rejected.
I’ve tried to talk to him about what the fuck is going on between us. Are we in a relationship, are we just booking up? Is your intentions to get back together with me in the future? Are we seeing other people? I am not dealing well with the uncertainty. I’ve always been the one who decided where my relationships were at. I get he doesn’t have a clear head right now and needs to detox but it’s affecting me.
Speaking of detoxing I think when it comes to using we are a bad influence on each other. I’m pretty easily influenced when it comes to using so I make a point of barely having anyone in my life that uses.
I do love him. Truthfully am still a bit scared of him that he will fuck me over again. Want to be able to support him especially after all he’s done helping me move house. I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want. I know that D is the love of my life and. Still love him. I’m just so fucking lost.
If you could give me some insight that would be awesome. I need to tease through this. Luckily my best friend is coming over this afternoon but don’t really have any one else I can talk about this with.
Thanks so much.
Not long after I started hooking up with D. He was my first love and I his we got together when we were around 18 were together 2 years, broke up got back together had our son lived together again, broke up, then we’ve hooked up every now and again for the past 7 or so years. Our relationship was very volatile. He was a very angry person and it was a very abusive relationship. Eventually I acted out and ended up cheating and shit. He was very controlling and sometimes even when we weren’t together would find out I’m hooking up with someone and abuse me. I’ve had to get 3 restraining orders in the past when we were volatile. I was no angel, I used to lie and hide shit all the time which drove him crazy. Fast forward to now and we have both come along way as people.
He has been staying with me for the past 7 weeks. I have used twice in the past 2.5 years and he has used quite regularly and has been on a 6 month bender before I starting seeing him. We have been on a bender for the first 6 weeks with a week or two in there clean. Had a week break and got on it again last night. I stopped using IV because he hated me doing it. I’m used to being straight, in control, just with uni and solely raising my children. He just hasn’t left my house which I have been ok with and he’s helped me move. He also hasn’t been working for the first time in 7 years and has stopped paying his child support which is a big part of my income. I recently got a payout so I’ve been supporting us both financially.
Lately when he hasn’t been on it he’s started to get a bit mean. Not abusive just rude to me and makes me feel bad about myself. He usually apologises. But I’ve noticed my confidence starting to diminish and I haven’t been standing up for myself. He also doesn’t show affection to me or come onto me like he did 7 weeks ago. I realised that I do in fact have a massive sex drive and need physical and emotional intimacy and I’m feeling rejected.
I’ve tried to talk to him about what the fuck is going on between us. Are we in a relationship, are we just booking up? Is your intentions to get back together with me in the future? Are we seeing other people? I am not dealing well with the uncertainty. I’ve always been the one who decided where my relationships were at. I get he doesn’t have a clear head right now and needs to detox but it’s affecting me.
Speaking of detoxing I think when it comes to using we are a bad influence on each other. I’m pretty easily influenced when it comes to using so I make a point of barely having anyone in my life that uses.
I do love him. Truthfully am still a bit scared of him that he will fuck me over again. Want to be able to support him especially after all he’s done helping me move house. I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want. I know that D is the love of my life and. Still love him. I’m just so fucking lost.
If you could give me some insight that would be awesome. I need to tease through this. Luckily my best friend is coming over this afternoon but don’t really have any one else I can talk about this with.
Thanks so much.
