I have half the mind to go get a long flexable tube, go out to my car, attach it to the tail pipe, put it through the window and tape it off. Take about 5 Ambien and a bunch of k-pins and crawl in under a blanket and never have to wake up and feel this pain again. Why don't I? I don't think I could live with what my death would do to the people around me. All I can think of is Sean and how much guilt he would feel. I know he would blame himself. Even though its not his fault. I don't know if just one day without medication or if it has stopped working altogether. All I've wanted was to help and make people happy, and if that meant me suffering, so be it. Perhaps some people are just put on the earth to suffer? It seems that I have most of my life, brief moments of happiness when medicated and it actually WORKS. Is all the suffering really worth it?I'm tired, so tired of being hurt and hurting...I broke down and asked a friend to find me some drugs, ANYTHING. But he can't. They NEVER can. I can't even order anything online because of the credit card issue. And I have no god damn contacts...god knowing that all I have is to continue to suffer without anything to dull it just makes me want to kill myself more. Why is this here where likely hardly anyone will see it? Because in general BL doesn't care. I show the way I see the world or my depression. I get labeled as a emo attention whore. I recently spent a lot less time suicdal than I used to but it doesn't even matter. Fuck it.
Thoughts of why I'm not doing it...
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I've considered killing myself more times than I'd normally admit, and it was the same thing that kept me from finishing it. Well, that and the fact that after I tried (in a characteristically-- for the time-- half-assed manner) the second time I realized that I was a coward and couldn't face nothingness. Not yet.
Now that's what keeps me going. I'm not ready to die yet, because I have yet to exhaust the potential of human experience. That includes the bad as much as the good, although I do have a good head-start on the despair, fear, self-loathing and soul-crushing misery, I've seen the potential to experience some of the positive aspects of my humanity. I nearly love myself, and I think that in time I might be able to properly love someone else. That is what keeps me going.
Misery is a part of the human experience, but it is all too easy to get mired in it. You've experienced happiness I think, but you seem to always judge it as being due to something external to you. I don't know how, but you need to experience, just once, the quiet joy of simply being. I think that I've come close a few times, but it has been a while. Spring is coming, and I think that with the renewal of the natural world comes an internal renewal, and the potential of such a joy is more salient.
Sorry, I'm polluting your blog with my rambling. I need to find something else to do for a while. Take care, and be sure to add my name to the list of people who would be sad to see you go.
Now that's what keeps me going. I'm not ready to die yet, because I have yet to exhaust the potential of human experience. That includes the bad as much as the good, although I do have a good head-start on the despair, fear, self-loathing and soul-crushing misery, I've seen the potential to experience some of the positive aspects of my humanity. I nearly love myself, and I think that in time I might be able to properly love someone else. That is what keeps me going.
Misery is a part of the human experience, but it is all too easy to get mired in it. You've experienced happiness I think, but you seem to always judge it as being due to something external to you. I don't know how, but you need to experience, just once, the quiet joy of simply being. I think that I've come close a few times, but it has been a while. Spring is coming, and I think that with the renewal of the natural world comes an internal renewal, and the potential of such a joy is more salient.
Sorry, I'm polluting your blog with my rambling. I need to find something else to do for a while. Take care, and be sure to add my name to the list of people who would be sad to see you go.
Thanks for that last comment Dave. And I don't mind you writing all you want. I would like someone to know that be I might be worth something and that someone might care.
I sent a text to my bf, letting him knoiw I was feeling bad and perhaps he had a few kind words for me. I felt bad for bothering and it sucks that he can't be here close to me but this is what he sent.
"I care about you so much. I miss you and I can't wait until next weekend so I can hold you in my arms. Last weekend was so great even with the little hiccup with the last hour. We made it through as we always do. So...what do you think about that honeybunny?
xoxo"
He is about the only reason that I can hold it together right now. How could I do that to him...
I sent a text to my bf, letting him knoiw I was feeling bad and perhaps he had a few kind words for me. I felt bad for bothering and it sucks that he can't be here close to me but this is what he sent.
"I care about you so much. I miss you and I can't wait until next weekend so I can hold you in my arms. Last weekend was so great even with the little hiccup with the last hour. We made it through as we always do. So...what do you think about that honeybunny?
xoxo"He is about the only reason that I can hold it together right now. How could I do that to him...
I've had the thoughts a lot too. The main thing that keeps me going is my cat. I know she'd be devastated if I wasn't around to take care of her. The people that had her before me were going to kill her if I wouldn't have rescued her, so we've sort of saved each other's lives. We're attached to each other and I simply can't let her down.
Keep trying to get into therapy, you WILL get in eventually. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
Keep trying to get into therapy, you WILL get in eventually. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.