Woodsong
Bluelighter
Well, it's me again... It's been three weeks since I quit buprenorphine. Cold turkey, still goin'... -_-
My emotions have been on quite the rollercoaster throughout this whole endeavor, ranging from uncharacteristically boundless optimism to, now that I seem to be leveling out, abject horror at not having any kind of chemical crutch whatsoever anymore. I knew the latter would come eventually, but I feel I may have been blinded by the former...
I'm just sitting here, bored out of my damn mind and feeling like I'm about to run off screaming into the night...
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this Monday, the same one that prescribed the bupe every month. He gave me a bottle of 30 1mg Ativan last time, but hell those were gone in two days... (And I still couldn't sleep at all.) I'm kind of afraid I might end up withholding the truth from him and getting more bupe... I probably wouldn't even go if I didn't owe him money for the last appointment.
I cannot stop thinking about my two favorite drugs in the world... Xanax, oxy, xanax, oxy, xanax, oxy, good lord I just want this anxiety to go away! I've never been in withdrawal this long in my life, and even though it's pretty much PAWS at this point I just don't know what to do with myself... Typical opiate detox symptoms, I know, I've been there so many times I don't even care to count anymore, but this is my first attempt that's actually garnered some success, and I'm scared as hell of messing it up... I absolutely cannot afford to go back to that way of life at this point, I can't.
"Once in a while won't kill ya," my brain says. Yeah, sure, I don't believe that for a minute. Damn if I don't want to though...
I feel like it comes down to personal willpower at this stage, so how does anyone else deal with this? I've got plenty of things to do here to keep myself occupied, but everything is boring, I can't bring myself to do any of it. My mind's racing, my blood pressure's through the roof, can't stop tapping my feet, my back is KILLING ME, going crazy, need pills, pills pills pills, let's go for a drive, no not gonna do it just take some clonidine, my GOD shoot me now...
I know it'll get better eventually, I know... How do I stop myself from going insane in the meantime? I have nobody to talk to here, I'm too proud and manipulative to let any doctor get too deep into my head, there's so many things on my mind that have happened to me in the past year, my dad died, my boyfriend left me and moved across the country a week after my dad died, my co-worker relapsed on methamphetamine and tried to strangle me in the middle of my apartment parking lot, my stepmom fired and disowned me for using Xanax at work, I got evicted from my apartment, I'm living with my real mom again, I've lost 60 pounds in 6 months, blah blah blah, I'm just ....
Okay, probably too much information...
My emotions have been on quite the rollercoaster throughout this whole endeavor, ranging from uncharacteristically boundless optimism to, now that I seem to be leveling out, abject horror at not having any kind of chemical crutch whatsoever anymore. I knew the latter would come eventually, but I feel I may have been blinded by the former...
I'm just sitting here, bored out of my damn mind and feeling like I'm about to run off screaming into the night...
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this Monday, the same one that prescribed the bupe every month. He gave me a bottle of 30 1mg Ativan last time, but hell those were gone in two days... (And I still couldn't sleep at all.) I'm kind of afraid I might end up withholding the truth from him and getting more bupe... I probably wouldn't even go if I didn't owe him money for the last appointment.
I cannot stop thinking about my two favorite drugs in the world... Xanax, oxy, xanax, oxy, xanax, oxy, good lord I just want this anxiety to go away! I've never been in withdrawal this long in my life, and even though it's pretty much PAWS at this point I just don't know what to do with myself... Typical opiate detox symptoms, I know, I've been there so many times I don't even care to count anymore, but this is my first attempt that's actually garnered some success, and I'm scared as hell of messing it up... I absolutely cannot afford to go back to that way of life at this point, I can't.
"Once in a while won't kill ya," my brain says. Yeah, sure, I don't believe that for a minute. Damn if I don't want to though...
I feel like it comes down to personal willpower at this stage, so how does anyone else deal with this? I've got plenty of things to do here to keep myself occupied, but everything is boring, I can't bring myself to do any of it. My mind's racing, my blood pressure's through the roof, can't stop tapping my feet, my back is KILLING ME, going crazy, need pills, pills pills pills, let's go for a drive, no not gonna do it just take some clonidine, my GOD shoot me now...
I know it'll get better eventually, I know... How do I stop myself from going insane in the meantime? I have nobody to talk to here, I'm too proud and manipulative to let any doctor get too deep into my head, there's so many things on my mind that have happened to me in the past year, my dad died, my boyfriend left me and moved across the country a week after my dad died, my co-worker relapsed on methamphetamine and tried to strangle me in the middle of my apartment parking lot, my stepmom fired and disowned me for using Xanax at work, I got evicted from my apartment, I'm living with my real mom again, I've lost 60 pounds in 6 months, blah blah blah, I'm just ....
Okay, probably too much information...
. You adressed that you are having PAWS so it appears you know what this is. It will get easier in a short period of time, but it may be up and down for quite awhile so dont give up! That one time you are talking about is not worth it.
I had back aches especial near and around my waist for a while.. a little over a month, but they got better and better as time went on. Please think about getting a physical rehabilitation program going to fight to try and FIX and not just mask the pain from your injury with a substance that ends up creating more pain than it ever prevented.. You should feel proud, that's one hell of a fight and you won and will win everyday you don't go back!!!! Woodsongs back in the light