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Thought - 03/12/03

alykitty

alykitty

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2001
Messages
5,593
Location
East Coast
Unable to love or be loved; fully.
Unable to trust; to the fullest.
Unable to allow another's passion past the surface of my heart.
Hardass!!
That's me.
It's always been my way. Hasn't it? As long as I can remember.
It's easier that way. Isn't it?
Feels that more often than not I find myself drifting awkwardly through whirlwinds of my own emotions, wanting nothing more than to understand myself!!
Understand myself?
How crazy does that sound?
Not half as crazy as it feels. I promise!
So here we are again, at odds; me with myself, a fate I want so desperately to shake.
But how does one shake oneself??
You can't. Trust me.
Deny! Now there's a game I'm familiar with, but how long can that continue?
I'll tell you.
It can continue until all that is love, is discarded from ones life.
It's easier that way. Isn't it?
I'm starting to think otherwise.
Finally some understanding, here.
Finally a realization of this cycle of dysfunction I continue to bring to myself.
Finally, with much effort, it will cease.
[ 13 March 2003: Message edited by: alykitty ]
 
awesome internal dialogue transcribed into words. it's almost as if we play a game with ourselves, is it not?
here's hoping you find your peace..
 
One You Rock girl,
Two, you are so strong, i know what ever you set your mind to, you will suceed wether in love, life, or just finding you !
Love you girl ~
 
Unable to love or be loved; fully.
This is the only sentiment in your amazing words that I can contest. You are able to be loved fully.
Amy loves you - I love you - my Joshua loved you...
You are more loved than you give yourself credit for, but I understand all too well your resistance to see it... I understand it all too well. I know what it's like to feel your heart harden in order to avoid the pain... I know what it's like to push those who love you away so that you won't get hurt or so that you won't hurt them... I do understand... but you know that, don't you?
Your words are beautiful, as are you.
I miss you and love you dearly... remember that - that you ARE loved by many, many people.
I miss you sweetie. More than words can express. I hope you find your peace... your words express that you are on your way to doing so... and I believe you will. I believe in YOU.
Melissa
[ 13 March 2003: Message edited by: Flower ]
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^
:) It's good to read your words again.
Aly, this poem is beautiful, and it only goes to further show how beautiful you truly are.
I <3 you!! (but you know that) :)
 
Aly, you have to mean love as in the sense of a relationship you are in with a man or I suppose could be a woman? But anyway, since the first day I really hung out with you I have always said one thing about you....I told Spencer shortly after meeting you that I knew what the alure about you was and that is this: when you are with anyone you care for, you have the ability to make that person feel like they are the most important and special person in the world. That is an admirable trait to have, I would have to believe that it is because you genuinly love these people and it shows. You are great girl, I am so happy you and Amy have come to live here in San Diego, finally girls I can chill with!!!
ps- Lucas, when reading your reply I got goosebumps. It is great to see this side of you that I didn't know for the first 2 years of knowing you. Its great to see you happy.
 
(((ALY)))

when you are with anyone you care for, you have the ability to make that person feel like they are the most important and special person in the world. That is an admirable trait to have, I would have to believe that it is because you genuinly love these people and it shows
Click to expand...

^^^Well said :)
 
The day you wrote this (or was it the night before?) we talked about what you were going through, and I tried the best I knew how to tell you the truths that would give you what you needed, without being pushy 'cause I know I get that way a lot.

It's a while later now, and you might have resolved all this, you might have pushed it back and found other more important things to think about. But I told you that it had come up once before, in a conversation years ago, and that some of the things haunting you came from a promise that you made to yourself, outloud and in front of me, all that time ago riding around in your car smoking a joint - and you followed through on that promise. You haven't let yourself down Aly, you actually kept your word and that is something most people never have the ability to do.

Every time that we make a decision to change a part of who we are, there are results that we can't possibly predict. Some good, some shitty, but all in all when you've gone that route at least you know what lies at the end of either option. Here is to educated choices. What I didn't tell you the other night, because sometimes it takes me a while to figure out how to say what I really want to (like you don't know that), is that you have the edge over most people on this one.

Because you've seen both paths and where they might lead, the Aly that I have spent the last five or six years of my life loving is so strong and brilliant and resourceful, that she doesn't have to choose either. Pick a brand new fucking road, dawg, if you want to. Or decide not to pick for a while, enjoy standing still for a minute. God knows we've both earned a rest by now. You've got this light in you that stupefies everyone you come in contact with, and even though it really annoys the piss out of me that you can't always see it - well, that's why we've got each other, right? To face the world as a team,a damned good one, and to remind each other of how special we really are. Because I don't give a damn what any other person on the planet (including you) believes in this case. I know that not only will you come out of this a better person, you'll most likely have great stories to tell and manage to improve someone else's life in the process. You sure as hell made mine liveable, not to mention infinitely happier than I probably deserve.

Okay, end sappy shit. Quick, pretend to slap me on the arm and run off giggling so that I can act offended for a second before I start laughing hysterically. Admit it, we make each other laugh. Often. ;)
 
^^^^^You better have cried, or at least thought about it, when you wrote that because if I'm the only one in tears then......poo on you.

That's about all I can think to say right now.......Well, that and Thank-You ...all of you, from the bottom of my heart
 
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