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This time I feel like I have zero control

R

Roxi808

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 22, 2015
Messages
121
Well here goes again, been lying to my beautiful wife, my parents, I feel like I'm letting down my kids (I'm a hero to them!)....went through a fairly long term oxycodone addiction got clean and didn't use for about 4 years, not even one pill, until about a year ago....total relapse

It could be worse I guess, I have a few clean weeks here and there but I'm currently at about 90 to 150 mgs a day for a straight two months...I work on a tugboat and am going to have to cold turkey starting any day now...

This time is different, I feel like I don't have control...there is an inner addict who doesn't give a fuck and calls the dealer every time.

That's what I need help with...shutting that inner addict asshole down!! I don't know if I can do it....and if I can't I will lose everything I know it

I can deal with the physical symptoms it's the joyless black depression I get into when I stop, I know it gets better with time but I need to get over that hump without getting more pills...that's where I have no strength and self control....good thing is I go on a run at sea in a couple days where I can try to just force myself to go with NO PILLS...it will be a week and a half and I'll be working the whole time...ugggh!

Sorry to complain, it just helps to get it out,
And thanks for listening bluelighters!
 
Sounds like the depression is something you are going to need to address concurrently with your dependence. You are without any motivation other than guilt to stop unless you address the emotional side of things. Maybe you could get some reading material for while you are at sea to pump you up about whatever life-changes you need to make. A book that has really helped me is called When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It is very accessible Buddhist philosophy but like anything, you can leave the Buddhism part out of it and just absorb the concepts. It took me years of operating out of all my various emotional hungers and cravings to understand that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted my life to look like inside. I had been so preoccupied with everything outside. Don't get discouraged because in a way you have already had the first insight you need to make this time stick--you realized that you are dealing with depression. A lot of times people focus only on the drug dependence and erroneously believe that if they could only get rid of the drug use everything else would fall into place. But the drug use is usually to address some kind of pain. You have to have another way to address the pain (hopefully one that is healing rather than just another bandaid!).

Doesn't sound like complaining at all, btw.<3
 
I can deal with the physical symptoms it's the joyless black depression I get into when I stop, I know it gets better with time but I need to get over that hump without getting more pills...that's where I have no strength and self control...
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From reading this I got the feeling you need to do something completely outside of your everyday life. Something that you normally wouldn't do. That could be camping in the woods, bungee jumping, tribal ceremonial dancing, etc, etc. Something that pushes you outside of your routine, your comfort zone and gives you a thrill that reminds you that there is more to life than what you are living. Create an opening for awe and wonder. Let me give you an example.

When I was at in the blackest depression of my life, my therapist dragged me out to a rented a campsite, we started a campfire and performed a native american ceremony (yes, my therapist was unconventional). I felt so silly, stupid and apathetic but did it anyways. It concluded with me mustering all the intent I could, and shouting as loud as I could "VIVO!" ("I live" in Italian, which is what I picked). I was so afraid to do it for some reason. Adrenaline was pumping like you wouldn't believe. After yelling that it gave me goose bumps for several minutes afterwards. It didn't cure my depression or anything, but it gave me real strength to keep going when I just wanted more than anything to roll over and give up.
 
Roxi808 said:
It could be worse I guess, I have a few clean weeks here and there but I'm currently at about 90 to 150 mgs a day for a straight two months...I work on a tugboat and am going to have to cold turkey starting any day now...

This time is different, I feel like I don't have control...there is an inner addict who doesn't give a fuck and calls the dealer every time.

That's what I need help with...shutting that inner addict asshole down!! I don't know if I can do it....and if I can't I will lose everything I know it

And thanks for listening bluelighters!
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Hello Roxi8: I am currently still using so perhaps I am out of line giving feedback, but your talk of your "inner addict asshole" brings to mind Rational Recovery. It uses the Addictive Voice recognition technique, and believes that evil little voice is what keeps us in our addiction. Maybe you are familiar with RR since you have significant clean time in your past, but thought I would mention it anyway. I have some friends who have done beautifully using RR, and will talk about their AV (addictive voice, or inner asshole, as you call it) as a separate entity. I wish you good luck with your goal of getting clean!!
 
If you dont mind me asking, for others reading this, and yourself, what happened that day when you relapsed? What i mean is after a hell of amount of clean time (congratulations on that btw, amazing accomplishment showing you can do it) what chain of events went down that day to make tou call the guy? Whyd you have his number still? Or was it randomly offered and you accepted?

Hey man many people fear what they dont know. They fear quitting cuz they dont know if they can get to the other side. You have been there my friend. Take some of the guilt of those shoulders. Im sure your an awesome dad, significant other and what not, your only human though. You can still be a hero even if you arent up to par immediatly. Them having dad at 75% is better then not having a dad. Youll be there to make sure they dont wind up in this mess one day :)

Either quit, or get on subs. You know the drill. I know ull make it. Block and delete those contacts too.
 
Thanks so much for the replies you guys! The relapse after so long happened when I was staying at my friends moms house in Seattle for a week (she was out of town) for some classes I had to take...I had forgotten toothpaste and was in her medicine cabinet and I found myself staring at her half full bottle of norco 10mgs...it's scary that I didn't even hesitate to chew up 3 of them on the spot. I finished the bottle over that next week...that was about a year ago, started just dabbling a little, eventually got ahold of my old connection and was still going strong (price had doubled though).

Little update, I've found myself in a very good situation, my good friend I work with has unlimited hydro 5's and he is very strictly rationing them to me twice a day...I started two days ago with 6 pills twice a day, yesterday 5 twice a day, today 4 twice a day, and I actually feel pretty good considering....I should be down to basically nothing by the end of the week, then I have the weekend off where I can stay with my parents and basically do nothing for 2 and a half days if I choose to...I need to be very strong the few weeks after that (for the rest of my life for that matter)...trying to force myself to get in the gym to get my natural feel good shit going.
 
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^Sounds like a good strategy, Roxi but I still think it would be good to get to a therapist to talk about the depression and any other issues that may make you vulnerable to addiction. Stopping drugs through sheer willpower is a dangerous thing over the longterm. It's like trying to stay away from food when you are hungry. You have to address the hunger.
 
That's great that your doing a taper! But I think you know that the real battle is going to start once the physical withdrawal ends and the PAWS and real life situation begin. I can believe that you relapsed after finding the bottle but I also think that there is more to it than that. Where you depressed at the time? What was going on in your life? Ect. I personally think that in order to beat addiction we have to figure out and confront what made us use to such excess that we ended up with a physical dependancy and all the problems associated with it. Therapy can be good for this if that's your thing or groups like NA/AA smart recovery ect. Also if you are depressed tackling that problem will be of benefit to your recovery.

But all that comes with time. Right now just focus on your taper and getting physically better. Your doing great so far! You have taken the. Ingest step which is admitting there is a problem that you want to change.
 
Sometimes we know when we are about to relapse. Maybe when your cravings start to get together with ideas and plans. Or in your case feeling depressed. Try not to label yourself so much. By doing so you may close yourself to other options.

Indeed a great advice to keep sober is to find the root of the issue which has initially led you to use the pills in the first place but this can be rather difficult to do on your own.

I'd suggest you look for a therapist, a doctor or even a close friend that you can openly discuss your issues, difficulties and even when you feel weak or craving some one from outside can help with things you are not seeing, like what we are trying to do here.
 
I know the feeling, I really felt out of control for a long long lonnnggg time, but something stepped into another level my last six months of using. I used to be able to take "less" if I had something coming up, or even push it off for a few hours until my minuscule responsibility was over but eventually I was unable to do that. I would be drinking, using and doing God knows what else and then try to function. It didn't work.

Anyways, I had to stop everything completely. I haven't used in almost a year and four months and life is so much easier today.

Addiction is progressive, it doesn't get better. You have to ask yourself what you are willing to do to stop. This might include having to go away to treatment for awhile. You are worth it and so is your family.
 
phactor said:
Addiction is progressive, it doesn't get better. You have to ask yourself what you are willing to do to stop. This might include having to go away to treatment for awhile. You are worth it and so is your family.
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Very true!!
Btw, congratulations on being sober for so long now! I suppose at this stage you might have now your endorphin factory working towards your goals. :)
I'm still on month 7. Steady so far.
 
herbavore said:
Sounds like the depression is something you are going to need to address concurrently with your dependence. You are without any motivation other than guilt to stop unless you address the emotional side of things. Maybe you could get some reading material for while you are at sea to pump you up about whatever life-changes you need to make. A book that has really helped me is called When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It is very accessible Buddhist philosophy but like anything, you can leave the Buddhism part out of it and just absorb the concepts. It took me years of operating out of all my various emotional hungers and cravings to understand that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted my life to look like inside. I had been so preoccupied with everything outside. Don't get discouraged because in a way you have already had the first insight you need to make this time stick--you realized that you are dealing with depression. A lot of times people focus only on the drug dependence and erroneously believe that if they could only get rid of the drug use everything else would fall into place. But the drug use is usually to address some kind of pain. You have to have another way to address the pain (hopefully one that is healing rather than just another bandaid!).

Doesn't sound like complaining at all, btw.

Excellent book!
Click to expand...
 
It's pretty simple, I feel like super dad/super husband when I'm on it...tons of energy, focus, yard work, chores etc suddenly become fun...I'm better in bed with my wife...not necessarily trying to mask any depression or anything, I just love the feeling of oxy on the brain.

Btw, tapered off totally but still taking kratom daily, going to taper that now...from what I've read and researched kratom is an easier withdrawal than oxy, but still paws will be difficult...it seems like once the boredom sets in my addict mind starts up with its tricks.

I've gotten back to lifting weights this last two weeks and I got a new board and there are waves on the way here in Hawaii (back to back hurricanes).

Just need to keep myself active and occupied for sure. It's funny with the money I've saved I can actually easily afford new boards!

Thanks for the replies guys
 
I can relate to this feeling of being a great and present father and husband when in use of .., but you seem to be quite aware of the situation and taking steps accordingly.

Keep up with the good work!!
Have a nice weekend :)
 
Yea, getting off drugs completely is a bummer, especially when you've had success in the past. It almost makes you feel like a failure. You seem to be doing better, but here's just a few things I would recommend to keep yourself from slipping.

Concerning opiates, if you feel depression slipping back then I would recommend a few things:

a) trying something new (somebody already mentioned this) - trying something new, something in that bucket list can help knick off depression, increase those serotonin levels, and maybe even spring a new well that will help you find life. Get into something new. A hobby. You don't have to take it super seriously. Have fun and delve into life. Because that is what you are trying to get back.

b) psychotherapy with somebody who works with you - I'm not necessarily talking about life-goals here, but someone you can bounce ideas off of, talk shit, talk about anything - the same stuff you post here you can talk about with him/her w/out any issues. This is not going to be easy and will mean spending some extra money to find the right therapist, but think of it as money well spent. How much did you blow on oxy? Think about it - you might be feeling better now but a therapist can put you back on track when things slip and you don't even notice (or want to notice)

c) exercise - you've already mentioned working out - stick with it. When I was getting off of methadone for the first time, I needed a fix. The gym was perfect. It totally replaced my old habit of heroin. Even home workouts can work. Adhere to it like it's NA - keep working out it works! And you don't have to deal with all the psycho babble when you work out. It's just you and your body. Work it like you own it. (Someone else mentioned buddhist philosophy, that is also something else you might want to try. Balancing out the hard workouts with some yoga might be cool).

d) a cleanse

it sounds like you've already detoxed, but a cleanse every now and then helps. If you are on no other medications, consider it - for the future. It takes all those chemicals straight out of your body and puts you in focus. Remember to consult your physician before trying.

e) keep a daily journal. Studies have shown that journal writing decreases depression, especially in the short term. If you write about past drug experiences, failures, successes, you can track your own progress. By my own standards, it is very rewarding and for me has led to a clean life without complications.
Anti-depressants might also be necessary since depression seems to be the problem. There is no one single trick to nail depression down, but it looks like things are going well. Let us know how it goes and keep us posted!
 
Roxi808 said:
It's pretty simple, I feel like super dad/super husband when I'm on it...tons of energy, focus, yard work, chores etc suddenly become fun...I'm better in bed with my wife...not necessarily trying to mask any depression or anything, I just love the feeling of oxy on the brain.

Btw, tapered off totally but still taking kratom daily, going to taper that now...from what I've read and researched kratom is an easier withdrawal than oxy, but still paws will be difficult...it seems like once the boredom sets in my addict mind starts up with its tricks.

I've gotten back to lifting weights this last two weeks and I got a new board and there are waves on the way here in Hawaii (back to back hurricanes).

Just need to keep myself active and occupied for sure. It's funny with the money I've saved I can actually easily afford new boards!

Thanks for the replies guys
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Your doing great man! I totally agree with your decision to taper the kratom slowly. There truly is no rush now that you are off the illegal stuff. I also agree with you that finding a hobby/hobbies is going to be very important to your long term recovery. Also o e thing you said that jumped out to me was your comment about oxy making you feel like sipper dad/husband. You may feel like that at first but I promise over the long run it will turn you into a terrible parent and spouse. On top of that often when we are high we think we are doing a great job when in reality we are not. Something to keep in mind.

Anyway sounds like your doing great!
 
The funny thing about my addiction was I would focus on the few years of "success" I had while using but ignore the many years of fucking up. Same goes for effects of the drugs, I would focus on all the positives but none of the negatives. Even though it was negative for a large portion of the time.

I actually still do this often, I will think about being 16-23 at Phish shows rather then all the time where I was so strung out I couldn't even really afford to get to show anymore.
 
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