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This Really Hurts!

ADDGrrl

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2011
Messages
15
Location
SLC, UT
I've been separated since early October and for the most part, it was a very happy and liberating choice for me. Back in January, the ex and I decided to give it another try. It lasted all of a week and instead of feeling happy, I fell right back in love with the asshat and it really screwed me up. He filed for divorce and it's been an ugly battle ever since.

BUT! I find out that he is engaged. He met the woman back in 2003 when we were in the swinger lifestyle. To say he was obsessed with her is an understatement. We had a party at our house and he took over 30 photos of her. It hurt me deeply, because in those days, she was thin and I was really overweight. He found her again shortly after I moved out.

I feel so betrayed and angry. He said he loved me, yet was obviously enamored with this woman for years. He didn't have the balls to tell me this and string me along for 7 years. I can't help but feel like a piece of trash. My kids love her and when they are with me, all I ever hear is, "I miss J!" Rips me to shreds even further.

I'm trying so hard to overcome things, rebuild my life and self worth, but dammit! I can't understand why the hell it was so easy for him to jump from 10 years of marriage to yet another one. No break in between. Yeah, he was an abusive dick and made me feel pretty shitty about myself... Still does. But how in the hell can someone jump from one woman to the other like that?

Guys, if you have done this or even have some sort of insight, I'd greatly appreciate it!
 
what are you talking about jump from one woman to another....hes been into her since 2003 thats 8 years.
 
It just makes no sense to me. If he was into her then, why did he stay married to me for all those years? If she was the one he wanted and has wanted, why didn't he pursue it? I guess I'm a little bit on the traditional side, thinking that if you love someone and are married to them and things go bad, there should be time to heal in between.

But, he's a serial marrier. He was not divorced when we met. I didn't know it at the time, since he told me the divorce was final. I didn't find out until I met his Mom, who told me what the real story was. Come to find out, he filed two days before we were supposed to get married. Had the whole big wedding planned and everything. It got cancelled and we ended up getting married 4 months later. The day after the divorce was final.

Something tells me he has done this to every woman he's been in a relationship with. Yeah, I was a doormat. Desperate as hell to get married.

I feel like I meant nothing to him the entire time we were together. Its as if I never existed. Quite a blow to my ego, yanno?
 
Quite a blow to my ego, yanno?
^must be.


but guys have problems with this kind of thing. some have priority and principle to help them not live in a state of chronic dissatisfaction; some don't.

and maybe the swinger life-style is not suited to your level of self-security.
 
and maybe the swinger life-style is not suited to your level of self-security.

It definitely wasn't. I'd have to be stoned and drunk as hell to even mingle with the people in that scene. They were some ugly folks, too. Even beer goggles didn't help! But, I loved him and wanted him to be happy. He wanted a threesome (with another girl, then a guy) and it wasn't my thing. I'm bisexual, but I just don't do the whole group thing.
 
I can't say I can compare with a 7 year relationship, but I went back to a douchebag. He used me badly after I told him I cared about him. He went back to his ex who cheated on him after a week and came back to me. I still really cared about him, but I had lost all trust. He was extremely apologetic, and I thought he understood that he would have to build my trust up. I was distant with him, but still tried. I was afraid to have sex with him, because this chick he left me for was a nasty whore, so I was afraid of diseases. After about 2 weeks, he told me he never loved me (after he told me that he did).

I don't have anything great to say other than I hope that you can try to move past it. It's really hard. Part of me hurts, but the other part is hopeful that this guy was a real piece of shit and there are plenty of better guys out there.

I guess I do hope that I find someone before he does and he is lonely for a while. I do have a lot of hate for him. He took advantage, because he knew I would be there for him. He even told me that's the only reason he called me up. Pretty shitty stuff to say to someone you know cares about you.
 
I was married for ten years, had kids, tried to make it work, three years of couples councelling, really giving all i could to being a wife and mother. But I was with the wrong man. He was unfaithfull, a lier, and a fake. He fooled me and all around, into thinking what a laidback, caring husband and father, everyone liked him and thought we were happy. All the time I was waiting for him to get his act together. I slowly realised that I was more and more unhappy. We agreed to separate, then it got really nasty, I didnt even know him anymore. He became mentally and physically abusive. I finally got him out of my life and filed for divorce. In under two months he met another woman , with a kid and moved in to her house.
I found it inexplicable, I was stressed, depressed, on the verge of breakdown.
I was consummed with thoughts of how awful his behaviour was. He seemed to have forgotten that
he had ever had a family.
However, when we met his previous girlfriend was pregnant, and he never tried to support her or see the child. I chose to ignore his bad behaviour and believe his lies about what a psycho she was.
He has subsequently gone on to have another kid. He moves from one woman to another to another, leaving kids along the way.

ADDGrrl, I am sorry to say the signs were there from what you learned about him from his Mom, and how he treated you, this man is not good for you, or any other woman.
I am so sorry you are hurting now, and it will pass eventually you will look back and be glad that you have been released to go on to find someone better.
If you can, try to minimise the time you spend trying to figure out his process, why he decieved you, how he can behave as he does etc, it will help you to recover yourself. There is little point asking other guys who behave the same way why, they may not know or may not even give you an honest answer.
Do your best to stop thinking about him and put your energy into thinking about yourself and rebuilding that self esteem, recalling the time when you felt happy and liberted to be seprerated. It is not easy when you have been betrayed and lost trust, if you can practise turning your thoughts from him to yourself and those around you and things will begin to change for the better.
I am six years divorced, and have had some of the best times in my life since then.
There are many many good men and women out there....... and many good times to have.
I truly wish you all the best,
Bx
 
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ADDGrrl - i really feel for you i can not imagine how hurt you must be, especially if your kids are going on about her all the time. <3

The best thing you can do is not let this beat you, and hold you back in life. Your husband sounds like a prick who made you do a lot of things that you were not comfortable with. Look back on all of that though and learn from it. Never again will you do something that you're not comfortable with just to keep the other person happy. How you feel, and what you want is just as important.

I honestly think you need not bother asking yourself and wondering how he jumped from one relationship to the next ... some people just can, and he sounds cold. Those people i personally will never understand. Don't waste your time wondering about it. Just focus on yourself and your future and do whatever it is you need to do to help yourself feel better. Get a make over? A whole new look and become a new you. A person who will never take any shit ever again!

You will be fine, a lot of people go through this sort of thing and make it through it. Some people go through worse! You never know what is around the corner. When one door closes another one opens. We always focus on the doof that has closed, rather than the ones that are opening. Stay positive and focus on the good things, and live in the NOW. :) Forget the past you can't change it. But you can control your future and how you will let people treat you in it.
 
Repeat after me: IT'S NOT YOU.

Chances are, no matter what you could've done differently, things would end up the way they are now regardless. People change and there's no way around this. You could have the most perfect marriage in the world with two totally compatible people yet ten years down the line they are two different people and subsequently do not feel the same for one another as they did to begin with. It's not your fault, hon. These things happen and the sooner you realize that you aren't full of flaws, the sooner you will be able to move on.

If anything, be glad that it's over now instead of being strung along even further, you know? I'm truly sorry you feel that he dragged this out but don't forget that it could've lasted even longer. It's over now and as such, you can start to move on finally.

As for this new woman, try to think of her like this: she's NOT better than you. Like I said before, your ex has obviously changed and as a result, what he wants in a woman has probably changed as well. This new woman reflects those changes but don't let this make you think she's better than you! She is simply different.

I hope you feel better soon! Try to think of this as a new start in life. You will meet another man who makes you feel beautiful and appreciated in due time!
 
I've been separated since early October and for the most part, it was a very happy and liberating choice for me. Back in January, the ex and I decided to give it another try. It lasted all of a week and instead of feeling happy, I fell right back in love with the asshat and it really screwed me up. He filed for divorce and it's been an ugly battle ever since.

BUT! I find out that he is engaged. He met the woman back in 2003 when we were in the swinger lifestyle. To say he was obsessed with her is an understatement. We had a party at our house and he took over 30 photos of her. It hurt me deeply, because in those days, she was thin and I was really overweight. He found her again shortly after I moved out.

I feel so betrayed and angry. He said he loved me, yet was obviously enamored with this woman for years. He didn't have the balls to tell me this and string me along for 7 years. I can't help but feel like a piece of trash. My kids love her and when they are with me, all I ever hear is, "I miss J!" Rips me to shreds even further.

I'm trying so hard to overcome things, rebuild my life and self worth, but dammit! I can't understand why the hell it was so easy for him to jump from 10 years of marriage to yet another one. No break in between. Yeah, he was an abusive dick and made me feel pretty shitty about myself... Still does. But how in the hell can someone jump from one woman to the other like that?

Guys, if you have done this or even have some sort of insight, I'd greatly appreciate it!
all i can say addgirl is some men can be bastards, but please don't tar us all with the same brush. you have my deepest sympathy honey, but you will move on from him. and find someone who loves and respects you properly, good luck honey.
 
I can understand your feelings of loss, betrayal, disrespect, and hurt.
It appears you know the answers to your questions on why he can jump to another relationship so quick.

You need not try to figure how why he might be happier without you. Concentrate on you. Who you are. What you need. What makes you happy. Where you want to go with your life without him. Partners are to accentuate the beauty that is you not to be the provider of your self worth and image. Get back to that liberating feeling.
 
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