This may sound stupid. But was I raped?

[LadyHeroinxo]

I've been sober for a few months now which sadly means dealing with actual shit. Lately I've been feeling things more and analyzing the past a bit and a few things have come into question.

Long story short, my husband and I were out and about as usual and encountered a psycho coke fiend who was obsessed with showing us his porno and jacking off in McDonald's. Eventually, he grabbed my husband down the block (I was on the phone with him and was waiting by a store with a bunch of luggage we had) and I heard a scuffle on the phone and my husband telling me to come fast and bring money. Turns out the psycho coke fiend choked my husband and hit his head on the stairs and then had him at gunpoint. *Skip a few less important parts* and basically he is holding us hostage, telling us he will kill us if we try to ask for help and if we don't get him coke. He forces me to hold his hand, watch the porno with him and "talk dirty". He also had me call anyone I could to get him coke and had me tell them that I would fuck them for it and to also ask people on the street. Eventually we find someone to give him coke in a building. He has my husband shoot him up on the street and in a building all while telling us he wants to kill someone, he wants to bring me home and have me get fucked. All this insane shit.

Now here comes the question. He has me jerk him and my husband,off at the same time. Is being absolutely disgusting in many ways with touching and groping, having us take off clothes. He forces my husband to masturbate (though of course he couldn't even become erect due to the circumstances) and then has me perform oral sex on my husband before asking me to do the same to him.

Eventually my husband escapes, calls the cops and they arrive on the scene along with my husband to rescue me and arrest the crazy son of a bitch.

Now, sorry for the long and semi detailed story. I just felt like I needed to give the circumstances before asking the question.

But anyways, now finally on to the question:

Was what occurred rape?

I'm not too sure seeing as how only mostly groping, touching, and oral sex had occurred. But the question is bugging me. I want to know what it is from an outside perspective as I feel my perception is skewed.

Anyhow, thanks in advance for reading this blab of a thread.

 

[savebees]

I think any sexual contact WITHOUT consent should be/is considered rape.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Yes, or you were sexually assaulted/sexually abused by that crazy guy. I'm sorry this happened to you and it's not your fault. Have you or your husband talked to anyone else about this like a therapist or counselor?

 

[Acidropp]

No, to be raped there has to be penetration involved.

 

[Moreaux]

I'm so sorry you went through that. Yes, you were sexually assaulted. I also think it would be a good idea for both of you to get conselors ingredients if you're not doing so already.

 

[T. Calderone]

What a terrible experience that must have been for you both. I'm not sure if it's considered rape but you were kidnapped and sexually assaulted. Like Moreaux said, counseling would help you to cope with this traumatic event. I'm glad you weren't injured too badly and hope this man gets a long prison sentence.

 

[manboychef]

I am so sorry for you. Hopefully this guy ends up in jail. The other inmates will take care of him as sexually based crimes are considered the lowest of the low.

I would get some therapy. Having something like this on your shoulders will eventually cause you lots of anxiety.

 

[Pallyress]

Both you and your husband were sexually assaulted. Oral sex is penetration of a bodily cavity, local legislation determines if it is legally considered rape.

Edit: and it was a prolonged experience at gun point. I hope you are able to get professional help, it is likely to put a very hard strain on you both, and also the relationship between you and your husband. It is likely that your husband also experiences a lot of emotional guilt for not being able to protect you. In countries where rape is used as an act of warfare this is a dynamic often breaks up families in the aftermath, leaving the women in an even more despaired situation. Perhaps totally out of place to bring this up here, but it's where I got that information about post-rape dynamic from. Husbands having to witness or participate in rape often struggle as much as the wives. This is of course also influenced by culture and traditional role expectations.

I'm not saying this is what is going on between the two of you, as people often react differently after traumatic events. If you are able to talk it through and support each other, and get professional help, it can make the bond between you stronger. That requires dealing with it, and not suppressing it.

 

[LadyHeroinxo]

Both you and your husband were sexually assaulted. Oral sex is penetration of a bodily cavity, local legislation determines if it is legally considered rape.

Edit: and it was a prolonged experience at gun point. I hope you are able to get professional help, it is likely to put a very hard strain on you both, and also the relationship between you and your husband. It is likely that your husband also experiences a lot of emotional guilt for not being able to protect you. In countries where rape is used as an act of warfare this is a dynamic often breaks up families in the aftermath, leaving the women in an even more despaired situation. Perhaps totally out of place to bring this up here, but it's where I got that information about post-rape dynamic from. Husbands having to witness or participate in rape often struggle as much as the wives. This is of course also influenced by culture and traditional role expectations.

I'm not saying this is what is going on between the two of you, as people often react differently after traumatic events. If you are able to talk it through and support each other, and get professional help, it can make the bond between you stronger. That requires dealing with it, and not suppressing it.

Yeah, I believe you're correct. My husband has often expressed an enormous amount of guilt for not doing anything sooner or being able to protect me. I don't agree with him of course. I think he did all he could and what was he supposed to do with a gun held at him? And he did save me. If it wasn't for him calling the cops after escaping god knows what could've happened.

I don't feel as though its causing a lot of strain overall. We are pretty happy with each other, hardly fight, both motivated, etc. But I do think there's a lot we aren't telling each other about how we feel about what happened. Also, I do feel as though it may be causing us to not have much sex. Though there are other things happening in our life that may also contribute.

 

[LadyHeroinxo]

I am so sorry for you. Hopefully this guy ends up in jail. The other inmates will take care of him as sexually based crimes are considered the lowest of the low.

I would get some therapy. Having something like this on your shoulders will eventually cause you lots of anxiety.

Sadly he won't be. If everything would have gone perfect, he would have been facing life in prison due to his horrendous and long criminal record.
But unfortunately, it didn't go that way. Due to lack of evidence (thanks to the cops that were supposed to retrieve footage from surveillance cameras in McDonald's and the building) he might only face a year for a misdemeanor. If that. Shortly after seeing a lawyer, his bail was lowered and he posted. Never heard from the lawyer again.

 

[Pallyress]

No, to be raped there has to be penetration involved.

Oral sex is considered penetration is a lot of states/countries. Holding somebody at gunpoint, forcing them to penetrate a person, both being forced against the will, would be considered rape under several laws. I do believe some places forced oral sex is not considered rape, because laws are so old they didn't think of forced oral sex. Cannot remember which state it was, it surfaced in the news a while ago.

 

[Pallyress]

Yeah, I believe you're correct. My husband has often expressed an enormous amount of guilt for not doing anything sooner or being able to protect me. I don't agree with him of course. I think he did all he could and what was he supposed to do with a gun held at him? And he did save me. If it wasn't for him calling the cops after escaping god knows what could've happened.

I don't feel as though its causing a lot of strain overall. We are pretty happy with each other, hardly fight, both motivated, etc. But I do think there's a lot we aren't telling each other about how we feel about what happened. Also, I do feel as though it may be causing us to not have much sex. Though there are other things happening in our life that may also contribute.

Rational thinking and emotional guilt are two different worlds. It warms me to hear that you two are able to communicate about it. It does also seem like your husband still struggles with the emotions it has caused. Sometimes it diminishes, sometimes it builds up and worsens over time.

It sounds very reasonable that it would affect your sex life. I'm a rape survivor and spend a lot of time dealing and learning about PTSD and trauma reactions in order to heal myself. There is a lot of info online, let the search engines light your path. Find something that works for your situation. Being two living through the same trauma allows you to have a common experience that can turn out to be a strength, even if you don't have identical perceptions or emotional responses.

 

[LadyHeroinxo]

Oral sex is considered penetration is a lot of states/countries. Holding somebody at gunpoint, forcing them to penetrate a person, both being forced against the will, would be considered rape under several laws. I do believe some places forced oral sex is not considered rape, because laws are so old they didn't think of forced oral sex. Cannot remember which state it was, it surfaced in the news a while ago.

I think that was Oklahoma? Not sure though honestly

 

[LadyHeroinxo]

Rational thinking and emotional guilt are two different worlds. It warms me to hear that you two are able to communicate about it. It does also seem like your husband still struggles with the emotions it has caused. Sometimes it diminishes, sometimes it builds up and worsens over time.

It sounds very reasonable that it would affect your sex life. I'm a rape survivor and spend a lot of time dealing and learning about PTSD and trauma reactions in order to heal myself. There is a lot of info online, let the search engines light your path. Find something that works for your situation. Being two living through the same trauma allows you to have a common experience that can turn out to be a strength, even if you don't have identical perceptions or emotional responses.

I really appreciate all your responses to my thread and advice. It's nice to know others understand and that I'm not overreacting and blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

Hopefully my husband and I will communicate even more and learn to live with what happened. I love him dearly and would be absolutely devastated if anything, but especially this, caused a division between us.

 

[Pallyress]

Thank you, I do appreciate being able to help.

I benefited a lot from reading up on ptsd and trauma reactions. It gave me a deeper understanding of my reactions, and I have been able to heal myself a lot.

People react differently to trauma, and symptoms vary in presence and strength. There are several phases one goes through, and it can be in different order and lenght, and also revisiting previous symptoms. Having experienced trauma in the past can increase sensitivity to new traumas.

It may affect mood, eating, agression, alertness, jumpyness, ability to bond, sleep, concentration, stress managing, anxiety (or even loss of recognising danger). Triggers may send you emotionally back to the trauma even if you don't see the connection in a cognitive/rational way. Emotions may grow too strong to cope with, or seem to dissapear and leave you empthy of emotions. Diccosiation, drug abuse, feeling disconnected to ones bode, derealisation. It can cause a near manic need for sex/breeding, or completely avoid sex.

And one can also experience trauma and not get PTSD (traumatic reaction os normal, bit if it doesn't go away after a few weeks it's PTSD ). The reaction may never manifest. Or it can manifest some years down the line, slowly or abruptly.

The nature of severe trauma is such that it is so emotionally dangerous (fight/flight reaction) to think of, that it is very easy to push the episode. It can be so painful that the memory stops being accessable.

A milder version is to not really be able understand, or grasp, if it was a legitimate traumatic exoerience. The trauma is so disorienting and in contrast of what the person believed the world to be, that it is difficult to realise the gravity of what actually happend.

Loss of controll, being afraid for your life, being afraid for the life of someone you love, being the victim of violence or experiencing rape by a close family member are all things that checks on trauma and high grade trauma. Your husband did not rape you, but someone else used his body to do it. Emotionally there is bound to be a link for both of you - a trigger or strong reminder- , even if it is rationally explained away.

When you asked if you were raped, were you asking about the legal definition of rape, or if you had actually been the victim of a sex crime or not?

Trauma can be so difficult that it takes time before a person comes to term with the reality of what happend. I forgot I was raped, after first denying what happened. Just comming to terms with my own trauma reaction

Look up how trauma is defined, I think your experience almost hit all the boxes except perhaps nature disaster. Take some online surveys of trauma symptoms.

It is so fucked up what you both had to experience, and how the violator disrespected the private intimacy between your husband and you. It breaks my heart.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Seems odd that your husband could get a hard on under those circumstances.

 

[LadyHeroinxo]

Seems odd that your husband could get a hard on under those circumstances.

Seems odd that you're saying that since I had specifically stated in the thread that he could not become erect due to the circumstances. Do you not believe it is possible to perform oral sex on a penis that is not erect? Well, it is. I don't know about your dick, but my husband's doesn't vanish into thin air when he is not erect. As long as there's a dick, you can suck it. So I would appreciate if you would stop being ignorant and obviously trying to find "flaws" within my experience so that you can call it bullshit.