muntlord
Bluelighter
Some of you may have seen me around, most of you probably haven't. I am 23 years old. I live in a strange world. Mostly one were i have to convince myself that i actually want to be here. But i do it, I get through the day to day. Living day to day. I became quite fascinated with death, The thought of dying. Being at peace and all that. The simple truth of it is we all have to die one day. So why wait right?
Until recently I wasn't sure what I exactly I had to live for. I have no job, I am thousands upon thousand of dollars in debt, My relationships are a string of endless failures, my family is basically non existant and it seems like the slide downhill is never ending. Then i started to think about things, What I'd done in my life, The things I'd achieved, Little things. They're not much but they have made and shaped the person i am today. Then i read a story in this very section, from one of the most beautiful souls i'd never met. She went by the username mav3rick. Through her struggles i found strength within myself, not for anyone else but myself. I am who I am and only i can change myself for the better.
I don't really know why i wanted to write this here, A lot of the time i feel like i want to help people. Like with my words maybe i can help someone see the light that i have seen. I am not a religious person but I do have faith, Faith within myself and faith within the ones that I love. This world is a strange place and the space we occupy on its timeline is so short. I had a friend, when i was younger a father figure i guess you could call him. His name was Andrew, One of the most happiest characters i'd ever known in my life. Or so it seemed. It turned out within himself lied an inner turmoil that he never spoke about. I guess if you looked past that smile of his you might have seen the pain in his eyes that i see now in his pictures. I hadn't seen him for nearly 6 years and last year I found out he killed himself. Leaving behind a wife to be and 3 kids. Now i'm not saying what he did was selfish because everybody has there reasons for doing what they do. but the ripple effect these decisions have on others lives has been one of the main things that has stopped me from ending my own life. I still think about him everyday and i think i will forever.
Now i've never sought to seek any professional help or advice because I simply do not want to be medicated. I know what is wrong with me and i will take it upon myself to fix this problem. If i'm not here in a few months then you will know i have failed and the good fight is lost. I have so much love, in my heart and in my soul and it belongs to my friends and the family I do retain contact with.
I am writing this because i want everyone to know there is a war going on and it is us that is losing. suicide is a way out but it's not the right way out. life is beautiful even in the darkness you just have to find the light. we will all have our day to die. but today thankfully is not mine. through tears i fight back these feelings and through a smile i know i am winning. If you got to here thank you so much for reading what i had to say, it means a lot to me.
Until recently I wasn't sure what I exactly I had to live for. I have no job, I am thousands upon thousand of dollars in debt, My relationships are a string of endless failures, my family is basically non existant and it seems like the slide downhill is never ending. Then i started to think about things, What I'd done in my life, The things I'd achieved, Little things. They're not much but they have made and shaped the person i am today. Then i read a story in this very section, from one of the most beautiful souls i'd never met. She went by the username mav3rick. Through her struggles i found strength within myself, not for anyone else but myself. I am who I am and only i can change myself for the better.
I don't really know why i wanted to write this here, A lot of the time i feel like i want to help people. Like with my words maybe i can help someone see the light that i have seen. I am not a religious person but I do have faith, Faith within myself and faith within the ones that I love. This world is a strange place and the space we occupy on its timeline is so short. I had a friend, when i was younger a father figure i guess you could call him. His name was Andrew, One of the most happiest characters i'd ever known in my life. Or so it seemed. It turned out within himself lied an inner turmoil that he never spoke about. I guess if you looked past that smile of his you might have seen the pain in his eyes that i see now in his pictures. I hadn't seen him for nearly 6 years and last year I found out he killed himself. Leaving behind a wife to be and 3 kids. Now i'm not saying what he did was selfish because everybody has there reasons for doing what they do. but the ripple effect these decisions have on others lives has been one of the main things that has stopped me from ending my own life. I still think about him everyday and i think i will forever.
Now i've never sought to seek any professional help or advice because I simply do not want to be medicated. I know what is wrong with me and i will take it upon myself to fix this problem. If i'm not here in a few months then you will know i have failed and the good fight is lost. I have so much love, in my heart and in my soul and it belongs to my friends and the family I do retain contact with.
I am writing this because i want everyone to know there is a war going on and it is us that is losing. suicide is a way out but it's not the right way out. life is beautiful even in the darkness you just have to find the light. we will all have our day to die. but today thankfully is not mine. through tears i fight back these feelings and through a smile i know i am winning. If you got to here thank you so much for reading what i had to say, it means a lot to me.
. thank you all for taking the time to read what i wrote. means a lot.
another one lost. yesterday was such an amazing day, until i found out about the loss the BL and PR community has been dealt. i am dedicating this thread and the success i have had with my personal battles to mav3rick and seith. you'll live forever within these walls guys. rest easy. i hope there was a peace you found in death that could not be brought to you in life. R.I.P.
