This is where I belong, away from those who are nornal

Really the forums only cause me pain. Angry words and personal attacks that leave me crying. Yeah, it's stupid but damn me for being so sensitive. If I could turn cold and hard I would in a second because I just can't bear the pain.

I get a lot of "just quit", guys, if it was that easy none of us would do drugs. I am in far deeper than I ever thought. I try to come to the only place I can share and be honest and not hide my secret life and it doesn't work. I get more of the above mentioned and those who I trusted and called my friends have asked me not to even speak to them. Really, it cuts me to the core.

Emotional pain for me is a physical ache in my chest. I wish I could explain. I can't blame everything on BPD (if wish people would take a moment to ACTUALLY understand it instead of thiniking they do) but I think that is wear is stems from.

Everything is spiraling downward annd I feel like I'm falling into a dark well scraping my bloody fingers and nails trying to get out. Only causing more pain, a pain I wish someone could understand rather than make fun of and laugh in my face as I fall broken to the floor.

I know this all can seem kinda dramatic, but honestly this is truely how I feel. Suicide is on my mine now that I am alone, What is the point of this pain? Maybe I'm just too fucked up and my life will always be full off it. I FEELso unwanted, aburden, a waste of space...maybe I should try to actually do it right this time

Really I'm pouring my pain, suffering and hopelessness out here...but I know it isn't going to do any good nor change the way ppl see me. They will dislike me all the same. But at least if I decide to leave all this behind, it won't be a surprise.

 

PT,

I am sorry to read that you are continuing to have suicidal feelings. I hope that you see that for what it is - a medical emergency. If your life is at risk, no matter how it came to be this bad, you need to not worry about people "understanding" you - you need to get into therapy. You need to understand yourself.

You also need to take responsibility for your communications to and about others. I am reading some "wrong speech" here, as I've not witnessed anyone providing you with anything other than good and sound advice. What you write down, how you choose to express yourself - that's how people are going to judge your personality and your intent.

I hope that you will take my advice to leave methamphetamine behind. I have been candid with you about my own past use - and no, talking about it doesn't cause me a lot of pain, I just prefer to do it semi-privately for privacy reasons. I know that those early days before anything goes wrong can feel like heaven - you feel so secure in yourself and ready to take on anything until the fallout happens, and it inevitably does. Methamphetamine is sneaky like that.

You're not a waste of space or a bad person. You're just troubled, depressed, and in need of help. Your moods are out of control and you're not living a life that is sustainable for long - but underneath "Pillthrill" is Leslie, a good person with an intelligent and capable mind, who can thrive if "Pillthrill" doesn't become Leslie's entire existence.

 

Please don't hurt yourself further. There are those who would be devastated if you were to take yourself out. Yes, even us anonymous Internet people have genuine concern for other anonymous Internet people.

I'll shoot you another PM tomorrow. Please take care of yourself. There HAS to be a way for you to get that happiness you have been denied for so long