The cycle of doing it and not doing it.
I awake and feel great for about 30 minutes. Then the urge hits and I start. I puff out the vein and go through the whole process and imagine the needle sliding in. I even play out when I get a big shot.
But the funny thing is that I get happy for about 1 hour and make plans. This is always mid-day. And it interferes with everything. Trying to read for school and eating. You'd think that I was on meth. The most I have eaten in the last two weeks is a large pizza that I nibbled on all night. Slice here, slice there.
Then early evening my mind starts to fight that urge and in time, perhaps an hour or two, my mind shifts to "I want to be clean" mode and I start to feel happy.
Now I sit here at 1:00am and am planning good things to spend the $1500 I got today.
Fuck. I spend so much time alone with the university on strike and closing for the holidays that I have so much time to think and rationalize my drug use. It's OK, you're not hurting anyone but yourself. But you are. The two most important people in my life.
I'm rambling now but I know this cycle will go on tomorrow too.
ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I awake and feel great for about 30 minutes. Then the urge hits and I start. I puff out the vein and go through the whole process and imagine the needle sliding in. I even play out when I get a big shot.
But the funny thing is that I get happy for about 1 hour and make plans. This is always mid-day. And it interferes with everything. Trying to read for school and eating. You'd think that I was on meth. The most I have eaten in the last two weeks is a large pizza that I nibbled on all night. Slice here, slice there.
Then early evening my mind starts to fight that urge and in time, perhaps an hour or two, my mind shifts to "I want to be clean" mode and I start to feel happy.
Now I sit here at 1:00am and am planning good things to spend the $1500 I got today.
Fuck. I spend so much time alone with the university on strike and closing for the holidays that I have so much time to think and rationalize my drug use. It's OK, you're not hurting anyone but yourself. But you are. The two most important people in my life.
I'm rambling now but I know this cycle will go on tomorrow too.
ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!