this is the 51st cold kick

i am so nostalgic foe my past right now it's killing me.....i have no energy fer nothing......i just sit and think and stare and smoke...im so fucked right now

 

ok just smoked a dobie and popped a pam......but im trying to be strong and stop being sorry fer myself...fuck i am such a baby....poor little ol me...no drugs now...b ut already my minds scaming up ways to score fer in the future when im clean after my year....going fer the big year.....prolly fail

 

on a carb binge.....and sweets...day 4 and finelly craving the sweets...suger...chocolate..only had one shower since i quit...water still scares me.....but it feeels co cleansing when you get the motivation to take one...fuck!! how do the bums living on the streets do it??
not taking showers....so far a week is max fer me
but before when i was once really wired to methadone and rock and heroin
i went like 3 weeks showere free
fineally i just couldnt stand myself
so i took one and i remember my skin came off like oatmeal
LOL gross!!!

 

rough going day 5

 

day 5...rough going what can i say
yesterday was so fucked...balled my eyes out...listened to my ipod but all those songs make me feel like offing myself TOTAL INSOMNIA my Lorazzies arn't working so well now
as usual I abused them so i've built up a tolerance in no time.....already thinking using
wtf?? am I crazy?...I'm thinking "ok girl just go buy s few grams just to have around da house

 

Like to have around da house???
so I could really just buy some heroin do one small ...and I mean SMALL,,,taste and sniff then ball it up put it away...so when and if...yeah right it!!! IF???
what am I like tempting fate with this plan...??stoned now so writing aimlessly..weed dosen't count....and I fucking love the smell of weed...and actually I like the smell of fags too....
you know ciggies......love smoking OMG!!! imagine if we had to quit and smoking too???? jail time man.....so glad im not in jail and detoxing at home where I have everything
smoking more now then when I was using!!! hahah
scared to look at my teeth...like really look at them.....still got all my teeth...cuz Im a chug from canada but I live in fucking greeceso anyways we get status cards...fer our teeths
I dont think is ever gonna come....wanna pop the rest of my pams.....just put in an order to dad fer another batch
cool thing bout living in greece
its easier to get around pharmacuticals.....like u dont alwys need a perscription....mighty tighty.....like to get ahold of some xanax
OK!!! gotta problem with my choices????

 

ok I just have to say........RADIOHEAD...is trippy music when yer stoned...and going on an insomnia journey

 

totally RADIOHEAD is frigging trippy music...its depressing but it gots cool rock jams...heavy loud guitars...that song "karma Police" by them......fucking kills me every time I hear it.....he's so full of yearning....the dude off radiohead..hes got a fucked up eye....and i feel kinda sorry fer him....but hes like famous and loaded.....and especially TALENTED
I've got my ipod and all these diff songs are mixed...even tho I do have whole album downloads
like Emiems new one relapse.....started listening to that....what a guy!! got a crush on him
and now poor babys got a drug problem
think it might be good fer his image to throw a little personal collpase and self medicating fer his emiem image
ok I"m going to his concert fer sure
been to Metallica OF COURSE.....been even to micheal jackson before he turned tranny
next is EMINEM RED HOT CHILLIES
anyways The Red Hot Chilli Peppers rule
and I've been into them from Mothers milk

 

just took two lorazzies cuz im way tired.....going on 24 hr sleep deprevation
I now have only one and a half left
what if my father cant get the pharmacy guy to give him more...this time im asking fer the 2.5 ones,my other ones were just 1.0

 

hey i uploaded a photo.....pretty lame one tho

 

im totally ot exagerating here...i have taken 3 and a half lorazzies and i am awake as can be do feel relaxed tho
octsober 5th...day 5 fer me now....i think i might be over the hump....but there is still a long restless night ahead of me
my depression has somewhat subsided
man!! yesterday i balled like a little wuss
im relaxed here at home...and i am glad to be detoxing here and not in some clinic
not more than 3 months ago my fam sent me to a private clinic...where they had to pay
as soon as i got out i was clean fer like one month..after i hooked up with this chic i met at the clinic....and she showed me where to get sum good dope......heck! before that i was scoring off the streets......got wired in a jiffy
and how i had lied to myself
just once i told myself................nah!!

 

day 6

 

FINALLY GOT TO SLEEP.....BUT HAD TO TAKE 4 2.5 tAVORS TO DO IT....I AM AFRAID...NOW I AM ADDICTED TO THE tAVORS.....STILL PRETTY DEPRESSED....CRIED AGAIN YESTERDAY AND IT JUST CAME OUT OF THE BLUE......WHEN I WENT TO SLEEP FINELLY
I SLEPT FER 12 HOURS...AND I HAD A DREAM ABOUT A BOY STEALING A CAR...WHATS THE MEANINGIN THIS....I LOVED THOSE 12 HOURS OF BEING COMATOSE
SO I DID'NT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT MY SHITTY LIFE... THEN WHEN I WOKE UP I THOUGHT MAN NOT THIS AGAIN
THE SAME OLD ROOM, SAME HOUSE, SAME OUTSIDE,SAME CRAP FEELING.....
WHOLE LIFE IS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES
IF I CAN ONY QUIT DRUGS FER ONE YEAR LIKE I PROMISED MYSELF THEN I WILL BE A SUCCESS

 

its getting harder and harder to become happy after a detox for me now.....in the past when I'd detox the week through...I'd get this burst of energy and inspiration....like when I was in my 20's....I bounced back into my usual self so easy......now in my 30's detoxing is taking forever,,,,,the physical part may be partly gone
still sneezing tho
but I kow my depression will stay with me for months and months.......what the hell am I going to do.....oh but dammit!! I gotta try the whole year thing....just once to see Can I do it???
honestly I doubt it

 

most of my symptoms are gone....sneezed once today.....still on the Lorazepam and I'm abusing them...this I know....you know what...last night as usual I couldn't sleep......so all I did was think about doing drugs when i wake up.....I just said to myself....."kay just sleep fer now and in the morn u can go score"
It relaxed me so much I jusy fell alseep so easy
hate staying up all night worried bout my life with no salvation.....drugs are my salvation....without then I am completely lost
why bother doing housework,...laundry,dishes stacking up
although i did manage to through myself in the shower
all these mundane things in life just mean nothing to me.....don't get me wrong I love my family and I love my husband
but at times I want away from them...to be free with my skidrow junkie friends whom understand me

 

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin? People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shite, which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. Take the best orgasm you ever had, multiply it by a thousand and you're still nowhere near it. When you're on junk you have only one worry: scoring. When you're off it you are suddenly obliged to worry about all sorts of other shite. Got no money: can't get pished. Got money: drinking too much. Can't get a bird: no chance of a ride. Got a bird: too much hassle. You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never fucking wins, about human relationships and all the things that really don't matter when you've got a sincere and truthful junk habit
: Relinquishing junk. Stage One: preparation. For this you will need: one room which you will not leave; one mattress; tomato soup, ten tins of; mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold; ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of; Magnesia, Milk of, one bottle; paracetamol; mouth wash; vitamins; mineral water; Lucozade; pornography; one bucket for urine, one for feces, and one for vomitus; one television; and one bottle of Valium, which I have already procured, from my mother, who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way, also a drug addict.
The down side of coming off junk was that I knew I would need to mix with my friends again in a state of full consciousness. It was awful: they reminded me so much of myself I could hardly bear to look at them. MAN 2: You seem eminently suited to this post but I wonder if you could explain the gaps in your employment record?
Yes, I can. The truth -- well, the truth is that I've had a long-standing problem with heroin addiction. I've been known to sniff it, smoke it, swallow it, stick it up my arse and inject it into my veins. I've been trying to combat this addiction, but unless you count social security scams and shoplifting, I haven't had a regular job in years. I feel it's important to mention this.
We stole drugs, we stole prescriptions, or bought them, sold them, swapped them, forged them, photocopied them or traded them with cancer victims, alcoholics, old age pensioners, AIDS patients, epileptics and bored housewives. We took morphine, diamorphine, cyclozine, codeine, temazepam, nitrezepam, phenobarbitone, sodium amytal dextropropoxyphene, methadone, nalbuphine, pethidine, pentazocine, buprenorphine, dextromoramide chlormethiazole. The streets are awash with drugs that you can have for unhappiness and pain, and we took them all. Fuck it, we would have injected Vitamin C if only they'd made it illegal.
Our only response was to keep on going and fuck everything. Pile misery upon misery, heap it up on a spoon and dissolve it with a drop of bile, then squirt it into a stinking purulent vein and do it all over again. Keep on going: getting up, going out, robbing, stealing, fucking people over, propelling ourselves with longing towards the day it would all go wrong.
Because no matter how much you stash or how much you steal, you never have enough. No matter how often you go out and rob and fuck people over you always need to get up and do it all again.So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change, I'm going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die.

 

I don't feel the sickness yet, but it's in the post. That's for sure. I'm in the junkie limbo at the moment. Too ill to sleep. Too tired to stay awake, but the sickness is on its way. Sweat, chills, nausea. Pain and craving. A need like nothing else I've ever known will soon take hold of me. It's on its way.
. Here I was surrounded by my family and my so-called mates and I've never felt so alone. Never in all my puff. Since I was on remand, they've had me on this program, this state sponsored addiction. Three sickly sweet doses of methadone a day instead of smack. But it's never enough. And at the moment it's nowhere near enough. I took all three this morning and now I've got eighteen hours to go until my next shot. I've got sweat on my back like a layer of frost. I need to visit the Mother Superior for one hit. One final hit to get us over this long, hard day.

 

These two assholes seriously needed some good dope!!!......like something stronger than weed or ADD disorder meds....Like they need to put on like hard core mood stabalizers...and prolly some good pams.....Jerks!!

 

NOTHING SATISFYS ME...NOT EVEN JUNK AT THIS MOMENT....IM JUST DROWNING MYSELF IN PILLS TONIGHT JUST TO KILL THE PAIN....OH HOW I WISH I WAS NORMAL AND HAPPY LIKE ALL THOSE IDIOTS ON MTV....OK THEY'RE ALL NOT IDIOTS.....I THINK I LIKE THE NEW GREENDAY.....THEY MIGHT JUST MAKE IT INTO MY TOP TEN FAVE BANDS/SINGERS LIST.....IM BASICALLY GOING BY MINUTE TO MINUTE.....SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE AN EVERY OCCURANCE....BUT I DONT WANNA KILL MYSELF FER 2 REASONS
1ST.....IM AFRAID OF DYING
2ND....JUST THINK OF ALL THE GOOD DRUGS I'D BE MISSING
WAS THIS CLOSE TO SCORING HEROIN TONIGHT.....HAD THE CASH....HAD THE OPPURTUNITY......AFTERWARDS THE THOUGHT OF COKE CAME TO MY-SO-CALLED MIND.......DITCHED THAT IDEA TOO......I THOUGHT TO MYSELF.......THIS IS NOT FER ME RIGHT NOW....JUST STICK TO THESE EFFING PILLS FER NOW.....ALTHO THEY ARE FRIGGING KILLING MY LIVER......I HAVE HEP C PLUS IM FAT...SO AFTER ALL THIS QUITTING DRUGS B.S. I GOTTA WORK OUT AND LOSE SOME LBS
PILLS KICKING IN NOW FEELING A LITTLE BETTER
PISSED OFF THEY DELETED MY PIC IM GONNA UPLOAD ANOTHER AND SEE WHAT HAPPENDS

 

ALSO I REALLY LIKE THE NEW LADY GA GA....SHES INNOVATIVE, PLUS HER SONGS ARE CATCHY....AND I ACTUALLY LIKE THE BEYONCE SONG---SWEET DREAMS
LOL...OK MUSIC IS A DAMN LIFE SAVER AT THIS POINT....U KNOW HOW THEY SAY MUSIC, PRODUCES DOPAMINE & ENDORPHINES, OR SEROTONIN
ANYTIME IM DETOXING I ALWAYS OD ON MUSIC...IT HELPS...I LISTEN TO IT ALL DAY LONG....BESIDES ITS TIME TO HOOK MYSELF UP WITH ALL THE NEW MUSIC THEY GOT OUT THERE....I LISTEN TO A RADIO STATION WHICH PLAYS NEW SHIT AND DA OLD
IT'S AWESOME.... I ALSO WATCH MTV...THE EUROPEAN CHANNEL AND THE REG USA ONE...
CAN'T DECIDE IF I LIKE TOKIO HOTEL YET...BUT I DEFINATELY LIKE EM BETTER THA THE FUCKING JONAS BROS...THOSE GUYS ARE FAGS....NOT LITERALLY BUT THEY ARE GAY....LIKE IN A LAME WAY
LIKE LILY ALLEN TOO....REMINDS ME WHEN I WAS IN THE CLINIC....NO NOT THAT SONG...THIS OTHER ONE BY THE VERONICAS...PLUS SOME OTHER ONES....OH FACK!! ANOTHER SMOKE??? i SMOKE MORE THAN WHEN I DID SMACK....JUST NOT CONSEQUTIVLY....LIKE TWO PACKES ON THE NOD... SMOKE PALL MALLS///THEY RULE.....
THESE fLUINZEPAM....FER SLEEP...DONT WORK FER CRAP...SINCE WHEN IS A SLEPPING PILL SUPPOSE TO KEEP U AWAKE///IVE TAKEN 6 OF EM....GOT A NICE BUZZ GOING
SOON SLEEP WILL TAKE OVER...AND THEN I DUNNO WHAT...NO DOWNTOWN RODAY THO.....FORGET IT I DONT NEED THAT SHIT....WILL I WANT IT//.....PROBABLY BUT WHO KNOWS