Keepit Chill
Bluelighter
I feel like a character in the backround of a movie. Everyone is running by, walking around and talking. I am just sitting around, I have no significant role in the plot and I’m watching the story play out. People pass by me like I am invisible, after a while I start to feel invisible. I sit on the sidewalk wondering what life is about, too nervous to get involved in anything or even to just speak. I live within a self made prison somewhere in my mind. I have been here for as long as I can remember.
I don’t know why I have such a strong fear of being vunlerable. I know I can’t be hurt or let down by anyone if I just don’t let anyone in. I don’t want to have that mindset anymore, but its so deeply implemented in my brain I don’t know how to get rid of it. Whenever I am around anyone I feel as if they are watching my every move, every word, every breath; just waiting for me to do or say something stupid. I don’t know what to talk about because I have no interests, hobbies, or anything.
There is a little voice somewhere in my head that tells me that I will never be good enough. Nothing I say is worth hearing. I can’t do anything right. They all are just going to think you are stupid. Why do you even bother? Do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? You know they are just going to end up hurting you. You don’t even know who you are.
I know that they are all lies I have been telling myself for so long that I believe them. Realizing something is dellusional doesn’t always make it go away. I think some of the things I desire the most out of life are just to find the freedom to not be afraid to get hurt, not be afraid to look stupid, make mistakes and learn from them, the courage to just let people get to know me so they can help me get to know myself.
One of the things that I really enjoy is writing. It helps me to sort through all the confusion and chaos that goes on in my mind. It really helps me to see things more clearly and begin to understand why I feel the way I do about some things. Of course, I never like to show anyone the things I write. I like to just let everything out without second guessing myself. The best way I have found to do that is just to write exactly what comes to mind, describe exactly how I feel, and say whatever I want reguardless of if it makes sense, or is normal, or means anything to other people.
It seems like no matter what I do I will never be good enough for myself. I don’t really know what it is that I expect from myself. I don’t believe that any human being is perfect, including myself. I don’t think anyone is happy all the time, especially not me. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to never get out and experience anything that happens in life because I’m afraid that someone wont like me, or will say something negative about me, or will reject me, or hurt me in any way.
I don’t have the slighest idea why my mind works in this way. I don’t know why I can’t accept myself. I do know that I am an addict, and that my life has improved vastly since I quit getting high and started working on changing my reality instead of trying to get lost in my fantasy. I have experienced the insanity of addiction. I am 16 years old. I honestly feel like I have been alive for about 100 years, the things I’ve witnessed and lived through are beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I don’t know much about life without an escape. I have been clean for 4 months and 10 days now. I know that I have been given a courage not my own to come this far.
I really don’t know much about life at this point. I know that I feel alone a lot of the time, and it is because of fear. I am one of those people that can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. I really want to open up to people, take risks, make genuine friends, and be myself. I know that things like that don’t just magically appear. I have a lot of work left to do on myself. I have a lot of fears that cause me to miss out on a lot of beautiful things in life. The worst part of being intelligent is knowing so much and being able to apply so little.
I don’t know why I have such a strong fear of being vunlerable. I know I can’t be hurt or let down by anyone if I just don’t let anyone in. I don’t want to have that mindset anymore, but its so deeply implemented in my brain I don’t know how to get rid of it. Whenever I am around anyone I feel as if they are watching my every move, every word, every breath; just waiting for me to do or say something stupid. I don’t know what to talk about because I have no interests, hobbies, or anything.
There is a little voice somewhere in my head that tells me that I will never be good enough. Nothing I say is worth hearing. I can’t do anything right. They all are just going to think you are stupid. Why do you even bother? Do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? You know they are just going to end up hurting you. You don’t even know who you are.
I know that they are all lies I have been telling myself for so long that I believe them. Realizing something is dellusional doesn’t always make it go away. I think some of the things I desire the most out of life are just to find the freedom to not be afraid to get hurt, not be afraid to look stupid, make mistakes and learn from them, the courage to just let people get to know me so they can help me get to know myself.
One of the things that I really enjoy is writing. It helps me to sort through all the confusion and chaos that goes on in my mind. It really helps me to see things more clearly and begin to understand why I feel the way I do about some things. Of course, I never like to show anyone the things I write. I like to just let everything out without second guessing myself. The best way I have found to do that is just to write exactly what comes to mind, describe exactly how I feel, and say whatever I want reguardless of if it makes sense, or is normal, or means anything to other people.
It seems like no matter what I do I will never be good enough for myself. I don’t really know what it is that I expect from myself. I don’t believe that any human being is perfect, including myself. I don’t think anyone is happy all the time, especially not me. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to never get out and experience anything that happens in life because I’m afraid that someone wont like me, or will say something negative about me, or will reject me, or hurt me in any way.
I don’t have the slighest idea why my mind works in this way. I don’t know why I can’t accept myself. I do know that I am an addict, and that my life has improved vastly since I quit getting high and started working on changing my reality instead of trying to get lost in my fantasy. I have experienced the insanity of addiction. I am 16 years old. I honestly feel like I have been alive for about 100 years, the things I’ve witnessed and lived through are beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I don’t know much about life without an escape. I have been clean for 4 months and 10 days now. I know that I have been given a courage not my own to come this far.
I really don’t know much about life at this point. I know that I feel alone a lot of the time, and it is because of fear. I am one of those people that can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. I really want to open up to people, take risks, make genuine friends, and be myself. I know that things like that don’t just magically appear. I have a lot of work left to do on myself. I have a lot of fears that cause me to miss out on a lot of beautiful things in life. The worst part of being intelligent is knowing so much and being able to apply so little.
