This is my last chance

[Chromatictuner]

Hello everyone. I'm extremely nervous as I write this because my secret has been kept so well for so long. I've lurked for months and came to the decision to reach out because I have no one to turn to now. I'm a bit older than most of you I think(mid forties)and I've been a moderate to serious heroin user for twenty years now, and it is time to deal seriously with this problem.

I'm one of those users who gets up to two or three bags a day(sniffing) over the course of a month or so and then stops because the high loses it's glow or finances no longer allow it to continue. I experience nasty withdrawals, and after doing some calculations, I figured out that I've spent a year of my life in bed. A YEAR IN BED!!! I'm an expert at hiding opiate use. Even friends who know the tell tale signs don't know I'm on it because my charm and confidence act like an invisible shield, but it's just a matter of time before my luck runs out.

About ten years ago my girlfriend caught me using(pinned pupils) and forced me to attend ninety N/A meetings in ninety days with months of meetings after that. I'm fully aware that the program helps many people, but the repetition of the recovery mantras and god based foundation left me cold. After the relationship failed anyway I started using again. So I left my beloved city and moved back home to the midwest. I am a junkie of availability of high quality drugs and ease of procurement. If I have to drive long distances and hang out in seedy suburban neighborhoods to get lousy dope, forget it. So moving helped, but I did find a decent pill connection however and stayed mildly hooked.

I moved back to the city a year and a half ago thinking that the clarity of mind I enjoyed so much while off dope would keep me safe. I lasted one year clean. Completely out of the blue with no prompting from me, a cab driver said " Do you or your friends want any drugs?" That was it. I've been high for six months and I'm going to get caught.

I titled this thread "this is my last chance" because at my age and with my career going no where, this really is it. I'm a set builder for money and a modestly successful sculptor/painter. The most serious aspect of my habit concerns my inability to paint well while on dope. The high itself does'nt block talent. The problem rests in the fact that dope is so satisfying that the hunger to paint strong visual compositions is killed. The difference between my work while high and when I'm not is painfully clear. If I dont get my shit together fast, any hope for a show is gone.

My friends who know my history have told me that if they catch me using again they will kick my ass(figuratively) and tell my father. My father knowing is my greatest fear because he is the most wonderful person in the world and at his age I cannot and will not worry him with this. So here I am. Finances are running low, the highs are getting boring, and I'm turning to total strangers in the cyber ether because not another soul knows. Some of you might suggest that I move again because pulling a "geographical" seemed to work. Not a chance. This city provides art connections and intellectual stimulation unequaled anywhere else in the country.

I have eight 10 mg percocets cut up into thirds and I start my taper tomorrow. I'm an experienced taperer and I'm not afraid of a little pain. The pills will keep me from finding a dark corner at work and having to take withdrawal naps, and I have five ambien for the long nights ahead. What I need is simply for someone to know. To know and say we understand. Just talk to me bluelight crew and it will help so much. Also, I will pay back by talking to others. Thank you in advance for any advice or support.

 

[chiefmojorising]

Yup

Yeah man, I"m 23 and I've been addicted to opiates since I was 17. I went to rehab in the beginning of 2009 @ age 22 and I was clean for 6 months. I am from a small town in the midwest and heroin was never available to me, and so I managed to stay free of heroin, and for the most part, IV use.

After I got out of rehab I was living in the city, and after falling back into my old ways a friend introduced me to heroin. I was shooting it for almost a year after that until the financial strain was too much, and I ended up moving back to the small town where I started it all.

I now mantain my addiction with hyrdocodone and oxycodone. My life is a living hell. I have absolutely no life, energy, motivation, and few friends. I lay on the couch all day waiting and obsessing over the next pill. The sad part is that even when I'm on opiates I still feel bad. Today I took 10, 10mg hydrocodone within 1.5 hours, and I was still just unmotivated and miserable. My daily life is the same routine of hunting down any opiate I can find.

I have absolutely no energy or motivation. I just want to be at home and on the couch all day. I treat my family like shit, and have no reason to nor understand why, because they are so good to me. I am the biggest coward.. afraid to even look my own father in the eyes, or take responsibility for anything.

I have been through hell and back and recently was hospitalized for 5 days, due to an abcess that got infected and had to remove part of my arm. I have been on suboxone twice, with little luck. Tomorrow I"m starting the methadone treatment, and praying I will be able to stay clean.

good luck, friend.

 

[xoqqiy axlotao3al]

good luck man. even though it's anonymous it takes some bravery to write this up as you did. you can do it.

 

[Chromatictuner]

Hey Chiefmojoriser your my first reply. Thank you. Are you very sure about the methadone? The withdrawals off that stuff are nightmarish and last three times longer than dope. Also, your not going to be clean. Please give it some thought.

 

[theseeker]

So you've only been going heavy for the last 6 months? I mean- that is a significant amount of time to use opiates and more than enough time to earn yourself some withdrawal- but that's actually not so bad. I'm sure you've known people who have used heroin for many, many years. There's certainly many people here on BL for whom that is certainly the case. I think you have a pretty damn good chance of beating this if you truly want to. PLUS, you know what withdrawal is like- you know what to expect. You know it will take you a while to get better- but get better you will.

Also- you're realizing all this in time to turn things around for yourself. Challenge yourself and make amazing art.

 

[Help me please]

Chromatictuner, I wish you well in your taper. I guess you need to find out if you really want to stay clean. Avoid those who use for starters. You know the routine it seems. It's up to you what happens every day after you wake up.

 

[SilverFeniks]

I can't offer any advice in dealing with the physical withdrawl, as by some miracle in my OC days of yore I avoided experiencing withdrawls ... and I have zero artistic talent, but I can relate to just about everything else you said.

When you are an intelligent and successful person (which is quite obvious from your post), it's so easy to hide a drug addiction from all those around you. I (vaguely) remember attending a Federal Forest Service Officer (or something...) induction for a coworker, nodding hard from my OC in a room full of LEOs; being out on patrol late at night while stoned or tweaking; spending countless hours on countless drugs around my ex-DEA-agent parents or cops in the station, all without ever arousing suspicion.

I moved far away once I finished University, to a place where I knew not a single soul, and managed to stay clean for a while. Actually, except for one OC an old friend saved, or some methadone I scored off a bum, I haven't touched (found) much in the way of hard drugs since moving. Not counting my great LSD/pure MDMA days of 2009. Instead, I've just epically battling the mundanity of life-long depression and alcohol/cannabis use/abuse.

I am still much younger than you, but I see myself at the same point .. "use it and lose it," meaning everything. I bought (mortgaged) a house, thinking that major financial responsibility would surely keep me clean, to no avail. Actually, I've been more drug-dependent since.
I've had a decent job for several years, and should be working my way up; instead, a combination of the economy and my reduced motivation to succeed (the usual junkie 'fuck it' attitude) has me climbing back down the ladder, and threatens to destroy my career (which, aside from drugs, is about all I have in life). Whether I'm hungover or go into work high, I know my performance suffers. When I get clean/sober I realize this, and remember how dedicated I am to the principals that govern my workplace. But when I'm high all the time, I start to believe I'm destined to get busted one of these days (ending my career aspirations, losing my house and probably family), yet I don't care.
Addiction usually manages to wedge its way to the top of one's priority list, no matter what you have going for you.

I'm afraid I've lost focus, not sure where I was going with all this .. but I really did enjoy reading your post. At the very least, you can take solace in maintaining your intelligence/talents at your age despite all you've been through. I can't bear to read most of the illegible, quasi-English shite that most younger Bluelighters consider normal conversation.
Spend some time here when you need, its a great resource. I garnered most of my post-count in my first few years when my drug use was still going strong (hooray college!), but keep coming back because of the great community support. There's always something to learn from the experiences of others.

Best of luck in sobering up.
I just (regrettably) put down my beloved cannabis and am trying to avoid drinking once more, ironically I have no illusions about my ability to resist were something more felonious to come knocking at my door tomorrow. I'd blow everything I'm working towards to jump on the H-train.
I don't do support groups/NA-AA, but I do understand and believe the "once an addict, always an addict" mantra .. I thought I had it beat so many times, but it's always lying dormant deep inside, just waiting for a chance to bust out and put you back on square 0.

 

[Armandfist]

I don't pretend to know anything about your struggle--we all are so unique--but you mentioned an anchor--a most important one--that might help keep you steered in the right direction--your father. It might be painful but that's the last person in the world you'd fuck with if you started to get the itch, as it were.

Man, I hope it works out for you.

 

[Legerity]

I noticed that you were able to stay clean for one year straight. This is a big accomplishment, and it shows that you are able to live without opiates. What did you do during that year? How was your state of mind? What did you do for fun? Think about it, that is a significant amount of time, you must have been doing some things right!

 

[Chromatictuner]

Wow, I'm communicating with Bluelighters. Amazing. You have to understand that I have never blogged, chat, posted anywhere, anytime, ever. No facebook, nothing. So this is really unique and strange.

Thank you Silverfenicks, Help Me Please, theseeker, Armandfist, legerity. You read and responded. Wow.

Silverfenicks, your very kind to call me successful based on the info in my first post. The fact is that after twenty five years of hard, skilled labor I have not a penny saved and no galleries are knocking on my door to see my art, but I am however a very loyal friend and can make people laugh. Not bad. Thanks though.

I did not start my taper until today because I had the day off and here we go. Twenty mg of percocet taken in small doses throughout the day. It's amazing how little it takes to hold off the horrors. I'm coming off two bags of good quality heroin per day(sniffed) for the last six months and for all you pill heads out there, that is the equivalent of 120mg of oxycontin. Not a huge habit, but enough to make life very difficult for a week or so.

Aside from the runs, violent yawning, fatigue, and insomnia, the worst part for me is the overwhelming nostalgia and sentimentality that haunts me. Memories of childhood, girlfriends, smells, and the feelings of utter worthlessness. I know it's just my cells being denied what they want, but god what a ride.

Someone in another thread talked about feeling like a little boy while kicking. I know what they mean. As uncomfortable as withdrawals are, there are moments of innocence and wonder. Colors become intense as do tastes and sunlight. Really beautiful. And when morning arrives, the most difficult time, I always dream I'm at the burningman festival. I suspect the reason for this is because MDMA causes hyper sensitivity much like withdrawal and I'm always tripping at burningman.

Anyway tomorrow is going to be very interesting. Thank you everyone..

 

[n3ophy7e]

Wow, I'm communicating with Bluelighters. Amazing. You have to understand that I have never blogged, chat, posted anywhere, anytime, ever. No facebook, nothing. So this is really unique and strange.

Welcome to the internet! It is pretty cool huh, speaking to people from literally all over the world. And it's more helpful than a lot of people realise so you've done the right thing by coming on here to talk about what you're going through.

First of all, best of luck with this man, you CAN do this. You've lasted for a whole year without drugs before so you know that you can do it. As Legerity said, think back to that year without drugs. I know the whole geographical thing was a big factor in not being able to/motivated to score drugs, but there must have been other things that you did to keep yourself occupied, other motivators to stay clean.

I know you said that you tried NA and it didn't work well for you. But what about one-on-one drug counselling? I think you really need moral and emotional support if you want to stay clean, and if you're not comfortable getting your friends or family involved at this stage it really might be worth finding a good counsellor to help you through the next 6 months or so.

Good luck, and keep us updated!