malakaix
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2008
- Messages
- 3,054
Im really considering the possibility that i am insane.
When you have been stripped bear of all your comforts, when there is no way out but through, when you are completely and utterly alone and yet still continue to sit and do nothing in pure torture of your mind because you absolutely refuse to take responsibility for your own life im not sure what explanation is left?
I mean, how far do i need to go before i am able to will myself into making changes in my life, this is out of hand. I choose to torture myself through doing nothing at all, because i don't want the responsibility of doing something.
I have watched my life disintegrate slowly into nothing over the past year, friends,activities,interests all gone so that i may bask in a hollow shell of myself, pure freedom if you will.. the chance to start from scratch, a piece of clay to mold into a masterpiece.. maybe i understand why i let this happen, why i let it go on.. until nothing was left.
My life before this had purpose, but the direction was hazy and dark.. i was been led down a path that had no future.. aimlessly wondering through life, allowing myself to be seduced by the many pleasures it offered, without genuine care for my well-being.
I have been in limbo for quite some time, torn between the world i use to know and the world i want to know, in this dark place, only my thoughts remain.. nothing else. I am free but trapped by my own fear of life. I have always had an interest in language, literature and linguistics.. yet i was not able to realize this until i lost everything, so i feel i am heading in the right direction despite it's loneliness. A part of me yearns to return to the lifestyle i let myself forget, self-indulgence, no responsibility and distractions.. but a deeper part of myself knows i would be going backwards and eventually reach the same conclusion leading me right back here.
It does however feel as though i have finally ridden myself of the infectious dis-ease i was bathing in, and now face my greatest challenge of all: responsibility for my life. It scare's the absolute shit out of me, which is why i have sat in limbo for so long.. but if i spend anymore time here i will lose my mind.
I've written down goals, made a list of subjects i want to study and included walking and running into my days all as a means to encourage motivation and willpower.. a year ago i wouldn't of even considered the possibility of going back to school, but i also never expected i would take such an extreme approach to ridding myself of people,places and activities that were detrimental to my life, that would leave me questioning my own sanity for not following through with what i know i need to do. Argh..
It's helping, but man it's hard to do a 180C on your life.
When you have been stripped bear of all your comforts, when there is no way out but through, when you are completely and utterly alone and yet still continue to sit and do nothing in pure torture of your mind because you absolutely refuse to take responsibility for your own life im not sure what explanation is left?
I mean, how far do i need to go before i am able to will myself into making changes in my life, this is out of hand. I choose to torture myself through doing nothing at all, because i don't want the responsibility of doing something.
I have watched my life disintegrate slowly into nothing over the past year, friends,activities,interests all gone so that i may bask in a hollow shell of myself, pure freedom if you will.. the chance to start from scratch, a piece of clay to mold into a masterpiece.. maybe i understand why i let this happen, why i let it go on.. until nothing was left.
My life before this had purpose, but the direction was hazy and dark.. i was been led down a path that had no future.. aimlessly wondering through life, allowing myself to be seduced by the many pleasures it offered, without genuine care for my well-being.
I have been in limbo for quite some time, torn between the world i use to know and the world i want to know, in this dark place, only my thoughts remain.. nothing else. I am free but trapped by my own fear of life. I have always had an interest in language, literature and linguistics.. yet i was not able to realize this until i lost everything, so i feel i am heading in the right direction despite it's loneliness. A part of me yearns to return to the lifestyle i let myself forget, self-indulgence, no responsibility and distractions.. but a deeper part of myself knows i would be going backwards and eventually reach the same conclusion leading me right back here.
It does however feel as though i have finally ridden myself of the infectious dis-ease i was bathing in, and now face my greatest challenge of all: responsibility for my life. It scare's the absolute shit out of me, which is why i have sat in limbo for so long.. but if i spend anymore time here i will lose my mind.
I've written down goals, made a list of subjects i want to study and included walking and running into my days all as a means to encourage motivation and willpower.. a year ago i wouldn't of even considered the possibility of going back to school, but i also never expected i would take such an extreme approach to ridding myself of people,places and activities that were detrimental to my life, that would leave me questioning my own sanity for not following through with what i know i need to do. Argh..
It's helping, but man it's hard to do a 180C on your life.