This is getting difficult..

[malakaix]

Im really considering the possibility that i am insane.

When you have been stripped bear of all your comforts, when there is no way out but through, when you are completely and utterly alone and yet still continue to sit and do nothing in pure torture of your mind because you absolutely refuse to take responsibility for your own life im not sure what explanation is left?

I mean, how far do i need to go before i am able to will myself into making changes in my life, this is out of hand. I choose to torture myself through doing nothing at all, because i don't want the responsibility of doing something.

I have watched my life disintegrate slowly into nothing over the past year, friends,activities,interests all gone so that i may bask in a hollow shell of myself, pure freedom if you will.. the chance to start from scratch, a piece of clay to mold into a masterpiece.. maybe i understand why i let this happen, why i let it go on.. until nothing was left.

My life before this had purpose, but the direction was hazy and dark.. i was been led down a path that had no future.. aimlessly wondering through life, allowing myself to be seduced by the many pleasures it offered, without genuine care for my well-being.

I have been in limbo for quite some time, torn between the world i use to know and the world i want to know, in this dark place, only my thoughts remain.. nothing else. I am free but trapped by my own fear of life. I have always had an interest in language, literature and linguistics.. yet i was not able to realize this until i lost everything, so i feel i am heading in the right direction despite it's loneliness. A part of me yearns to return to the lifestyle i let myself forget, self-indulgence, no responsibility and distractions.. but a deeper part of myself knows i would be going backwards and eventually reach the same conclusion leading me right back here.

It does however feel as though i have finally ridden myself of the infectious dis-ease i was bathing in, and now face my greatest challenge of all: responsibility for my life. It scare's the absolute shit out of me, which is why i have sat in limbo for so long.. but if i spend anymore time here i will lose my mind.

I've written down goals, made a list of subjects i want to study and included walking and running into my days all as a means to encourage motivation and willpower.. a year ago i wouldn't of even considered the possibility of going back to school, but i also never expected i would take such an extreme approach to ridding myself of people,places and activities that were detrimental to my life, that would leave me questioning my own sanity for not following through with what i know i need to do. Argh..

It's helping, but man it's hard to do a 180C on your life.

 

[Legerity]

It sounds like you know what you want and that you're heading in that direction, just not as quickly as you'd like. It's hard following a path that involves doing what we we genuinely want to do. For me it is the risk of failure that is the biggest obstacle. I can think and fantasize about all the goals I want to achieve, but certain things I just don't end up trying because that means I'll find out if it really is something that I'm able to do.

And it's good to question your sanity. In my opinion insanity is the norm for just about everybody. Economics might consider people "rational agents" in their analysis but this isn't reality. If anybody's thoughts were recorded throughout an entire day it would be obvious that this isn't sane thinking. Repetitive, delusional and fearful thought loops! Most behaviour is just a programmed unconscious reaction to some sort of stimuli that occurs without any questioning. That's just how it is until we break out of it. I still consider it insanity though

 

[malakaix]

Haha yes, so would i.

Thanks for your input Legerity; it really is a matter of not moving as quick as i would like.. but looking back on my life, i was always the one to take more time when considering major changes to myself then those around me, everything seems to be stabilizing after much confusion however.

 

[craigyt2k]

i am experiencing what your going through, it seems common amongst drug users, ex drug users. people quitting, like you say your a piece of clay, i like that, and will probably stick it in a song sometime. only you can change your life, like me you seems to be finding it difficult, best advice is eat light healthy meals. keep up your good habits and ditch the bad ones

 

[Raekownz]

I'm in the same boat. I'm so depressed right now. I have a job, but it's not steady, I usually get around $650 every 2 weeks. I'm 25 years old and don't have a career. I'm lazy, unmotivated and worst of all messed up from years of hard drugs. I feel like I'm going crazy too. I know things are going to get better if I stick with the plan I have though, it's just hard right now. I'm thinking about taking a course in plumbing or something, but I really lack confidence in myself, very scared to face the world right now. I'm trying to eat well, take omega 3 with the 3 meals a day and ginko biloba in the morning. I've become very anti social, but every time I go out people have a lot of fun with me. We just need to take baby steps in the right direction and hopefully we'll get there eventually.

 

[craigyt2k]

"If you know your going mad, Thats ok, It's the ones who dont know they are going mad and think they are ok are the ones to worry about"