This is a dark place I can't bear

[~_Hiss_~]

Post from Anon. BLer:

If I knew I'd feel this way long, suicide would be like drinking cold water after 2 days of thirst; no hesitation.

I'm going through too much at once. I have to admit I'm abusing metadate, about 50mg/day. haven't slept in 50hrs. everytime it starts to wear off take more, bump an hr. haven't eaten much since starting this script a few weeks ago, but then again, i don't have an appetite when there is high worry/stress/depression like now. the stim use is making it worse, i acknowledge. The 4mg/sub I take, isn't good for me mentally. Neither is the nicotine, or maybe even neurontin i take.

I'm stuck in this room, going crazy, people out there i don't want to see, i'm avoiding drink and bathroom dying for them to leave. In a way its cause i feel bad and dont want anyone seeing me like this. My appetite is DONE, gone totally. Damn metadate. Sub never helped either though. lost lots of weight , look disgusting and bony now, feel the bones poking out in new places.

No desire to talk to anyone at all, except the girl who broke up with me and was cold to me in more ways than one.

I can stop the metadate for some time, but have to restart while in school, just going to have to watch/control the abuse close. If I don't have some kind of breakdown in the 2 weeks remaining.

I have seroquel but have been afraid to take it, dont want to get more dysphoric or anything. maybe sleep, yeah, but am afraid i'll suffer more in my sleep, die of interaction or lack of food/water get bad cause ill probably sleep a while. the pills are 100mg.

One of the reasons of my spiral down, is the breakup. I thought she was nice, and even in the end I think she tried to be; then gave me false hope to start again, then those plans she took back unexpected, after lots of notes i sent her and talking. whatever; the worst was she said she'd talk to me cause i said i need some help sorting some stuff out and she just hung up and ignored calls after 2 mins, as i already told her some painful stuff about relationships, my experience with death in a job I had... fucking hung up. i worry about so much, about finding a girl for me, who isn't a slut or a cheat, or a nut; only kinds i've had. i guess we are all human, and much bad traits. now i know its past that; i am in a bad health situation. people make me sick, just thinking about asking that girl about one of her friends, then actually saying they both fucked guys at a bar... what the.. I am starting to hate everyone, instead of just individuals, including myself for being weak about all this. I know its wrong. I've lost hope for future. So much debt for college its unbearable, yet also if i fail one more class im kicked out; its so hard i dont think i'll be able to do it. certainly if i was there now i'd be checking out.

I wish i could think its just a problem with her, but cant help take it personally and even worse, that so many people are cold like this. The people who aren't I've met, have other problems.

I feel so sick and unhealthy, so ruined... i keep a gun next to me as some comfort, knowing I can always escape the bs; but its a psychological thing, wouldnt do it unless life was worse, and not related to drugs making me feel worse, and relationship garbage.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

I feel ya bro. But dont worry about finding the right girl right now. that just complicates things alot more beleive me. You need to work on yourself right now and nothing else. If you keep productive, girls will fall in your lap.

Keep your head up. Have you seen a doc about getting on deppression meds for a little while? Also maybe hit up an NA meeting or something. They really do make you feel better. and it sounds to me that this medetate or whatever it is. Is being counter productive. If its taking away your appetite and your not eating, thats not healthy. talk to your doc about that.
Have you heard of strattera its a nonstimulate adhd medication, so it wont take away your appetite, and its not narcotic.

 

[~_Hiss_~]

(update summary received 10hrs ago)

The seroquel helped with restful yet prolonged sleep; with 2 doses of 30mg about 11hrs apart. no side effects except muscle soreness and slight twitchiness.

mentally not well, but may be related to metadate absinence for 2 days.

appetite still poor; luckily ensure is on hand or he thinks he'd be starved to death by now.

 

[RedRum OG]

Man we've all been there. Here's how you pop out of this hole. 1 stop the metadate completely for ass long as you can. 2 start a healthyy diet, maybe a small amount of food if you can't eat much. Take some vitamins. 3 start a healthy sleep schedule. Every night at the same time take your seroquel and try to wake up at approximately the same time. 4 exersize, can't emphasize it enough. Fucking hurts doing it but your whole body while take a sigh of relief after you get used to a good workout. Seriously. 5 do old hobbies you had before shit started to go downhill

If you follow this and start to schedule and plan your life to be more healthy, you will be too busy to be depressed. And mainting a healthy lifestyle will get you feeling high all the time I promise. Obviously you feel shitty if you never sleep drink or eat....

Keep your chin up and stick to your plan, whatever it may be

 

[~_Hiss_~]

Great reply RedRum, I think that sums up what needs done here. Metadate is the appetite and depression worsener especially abused... that is the first step to reduce/eliminate.

Diet and getting enough calories indeed. And the rest of what you said, fits in perfectly. That's all we can do, is come up with possibilities, and ultimately decisions must be made. Posting on here comes with being willing to change, as change is surely needed in this case.

I think spiralling out of control with a girl who he felt led him on (saying she loved him and not to hurt her please, then 2 days later, bam, he's dumped, and has more BS from her)... that shit takes time to get over, and avoiding seeing her online and stuff is really the only way to recover; don't dwell on it, just suffer it out and reduce the drugs... feel your pain man take care.