This has to stop…

[Antiprosynthesis]

Coke cravings are Hell, made me do crazy things in the past...

Try not to lose everything and not to get to the deepest, most miserable level of existence, its still possible to avoid that Im sure, but to be honest, in some cases, in my case at least, I really had to fuck everything up to full extent before I was able to make s change but thats both a hard reality as well as a hard lesson...

I hope you will be able to get out of this situation asap, but Hell, I cant not say, and of course this notion is already quite some time very clear to you, its a most difficult something to do, but even the most difficult problems can be solved, never give up hope...

 

[Beiny]

Wife is still traveling and the weekend is coming up, so I knew today would be a challenge. Somewhat luckily I have to be responsible most all day Sunday (work in the am, dog meet and greet with a potential sitter later in the afternoon) - however, the door is still wide open for a Friday Eve - Saturday “event” (even just typing that stirs up the reward system). Feel like I’m in an ok place, but the impulse battle is certainly being waged. To top it off, my dealer texted me because he was going to be down my way this morning (only the 2nd time in 10 years he’s reached out to me!). I said I was all set. Luckily at this point, I’d have to travel and fight city rush hour traffic to score today/tonight, so at least some disincentives are in place. Plus, there’s stuff I want to do tonite & tomorrow around the house and to my VW van and I am much more of a shut-in type of user than a get stuff done type. Here’s hoping I can maintain…

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Wife is still traveling and the weekend is coming up, so I knew today would be a challenge. Somewhat luckily I have to be responsible most all day Sunday (work in the am, dog meet and greet with a potential sitter later in the afternoon) - however, the door is still wide open for a Friday Eve - Saturday “event” (even just typing that stirs up the reward system). Feel like I’m in an ok place, but the impulse battle is certainly being waged. To top it off, my dealer texted me because he was going to be down my way this morning (only the 2nd time in 10 years he’s reached out to me!). I said I was all set. Luckily at this point, I’d have to travel and fight city rush hour traffic to score today/tonight, so at least some disincentives are in place. Plus, there’s stuff I want to do tonite & tomorrow around the house and to my VW van and I am much more of a shut-in type of user than a get stuff done type. Here’s hoping I can maintain…

Stay strong, man

How you holding up?

 

[zolpidemories]

Tell your wife you've got what feels like the beginning of a gambling problem and hand your finances over to her, cards/accounts etc and get her to give you an allowance for food etc so you can't buy 7gs of coke when she's gone, you're just fighting your brains reward system here.. not severe withdrawal

im still surprised she doesn't some how notice all that money disappearing, there are plenty of ways to detach yourself from your addiction, truth be told physical withdrawal is one thing that you should be happy you are not facing, the heroine addict in the same boat has a long way ahead to sobriety other than just fighting the dopamine reward system, i am also fighting abusing my methylphenidate, i take triple the amount prescribed, mostly snort it, use to shoot it... and im also going through opiate withdrawal so i am in both boats, but yeah, ditch the source, find another natural source of dopamine (learning something or starting a new hobby or something that would give you reward for finishing certain tasks or projects) something that wont lead to self loathing but to the (im proud of me i put my time in this instead of coke and paranoia feeling) ... but i am in no place to give advice, best to ya

 

[Beiny]

Thanks all for the support (and keep up the good fight @zolpidemories). I definitely appreciate having this outlet. My wife doesn’t notice the cash flow because we maintain both joint and separate finances. I got myself out of steep CC debt a few years ago (mostly perpetuated by the coke use) and since have not fallen back in - the current episode has hit my savings pretty hard but hasn’t plunged me into debt (yet).

Made it through the night but a rainy blah Saturday brings a whole additional day of challenge for me (was planning on some yardwork and a mountain bike ride to keep busy). Interestingly I thought I was in the clear last night once I went to bed but I had trouble sleeping and those urges really got strong somewhere about an hour later as I lay in bed. I held fast though.

I don’t know if weathering these mini storms will mean anything in the long run. I hope they do.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Thanks all for the support (and keep up the good fight @zolpidemories). I definitely appreciate having this outlet. My wife doesn’t notice the cash flow because we maintain both joint and separate finances. I got myself out of steep CC debt a few years ago (mostly perpetuated by the coke use) and since have not fallen back in - the current episode has hit my savings pretty hard but hasn’t plunged me into debt (yet).

Made it through the night but a rainy blah Saturday brings a whole additional day of challenge for me (was planning on some yardwork and a mountain bike ride to keep busy). Interestingly I thought I was in the clear last night once I went to bed but I had trouble sleeping and those urges really got strong somewhere about an hour later as I lay in bed. I held fast though.

I don’t know if weathering these mini storms will mean anything in the long run. I hope they do.

All we can do is take it one day at a time. Sounds like yesterday was a good day. Let's try for a good tomorrow.

 

[zolpidemories]

Thanks all for the support (and keep up the good fight @zolpidemories). I definitely appreciate having this outlet. My wife doesn’t notice the cash flow because we maintain both joint and separate finances. I got myself out of steep CC debt a few years ago (mostly perpetuated by the coke use) and since have not fallen back in - the current episode has hit my savings pretty hard but hasn’t plunged me into debt (yet).

Made it through the night but a rainy blah Saturday brings a whole additional day of challenge for me (was planning on some yardwork and a mountain bike ride to keep busy). Interestingly I thought I was in the clear last night once I went to bed but I had trouble sleeping and those urges really got strong somewhere about an hour later as I lay in bed. I held fast though.

I don’t know if weathering these mini storms will mean anything in the long run. I hope they do.

congrats on the sober day man, of corse it means something, what are some of your hobbies ? things you enjoy doing, things you collect or shop for .... you could try a game... if you are into computer - software related things you could invest everything you would give your dealer into a crypto project of your choice, just straight up btc or eth or NFTs.... market is really low atm and the profitability in the future could be insane ... if not at least you have some digital assets for the future of networking (web3, third layer, decentralised value and monetisation ). Or spend on collectible physical items or have fun with your money in a different way, try learning how to play poker and become a good poker player, use the cash as a bankroll to learn (If plaid skilfully and with a lot of knowledge and understanding i really dont believe poker to be gambling, but its not for everyone and since you are a compulsive person this might be very bad advice, but i still believe its money better spent than coke) so many cool things you can do with that money, you can start a donation fund and track the help you can offer to somebody with that money, or half of it at least to start.... so you feel good for helping someone, that gives natural dopamine ....again i am in no place to give advice, just thinking of possibilities to replace the reward system with something other than coke. cheers and hope you are staying strong !

 

[Jerry Atrick]

congrats on the sober day man, of corse it means something, what are some of your hobbies ? things you enjoy doing, things you collect or shop for .... you could try a game... if you are into computer - software related things you could invest everything you would give your dealer into a crypto project of your choice, just straight up btc or eth or NFTs.... market is really low atm and the profitability in the future could be insane ... if not at least you have some digital assets for the future of networking (web3, third layer, decentralised value and monetisation ). Or spend on collectible physical items or have fun with your money in a different way, try learning how to play poker and become a good poker player, use the cash as a bankroll to learn (If plaid skilfully and with a lot of knowledge and understanding i really dont believe poker to be gambling, but its not for everyone and since you are a compulsive person this might be very bad advice, but i still believe its money better spent than coke) so many cool things you can do with that money, you can start a donation fund and track the help you can offer to somebody with that money, or half of it at least to start.... so you feel good for helping someone, that gives natural dopamine ....again i am in no place to give advice, just thinking of possibilities to replace the reward system with something other than coke. cheers and hope you are staying strong !

All good ideas although with crypto and other forms of gambling, I would add the caveat to never invest more money than you are willing to lose. I've put over $1000 into crypto in the past year or so and now my portfolio is a fraction of what it once was and I can't afford to put anymore into it. So now I'm sitting on shit and just waiting for it to go up if it ever does again. I haven't even checked my wallet in several months because I'm afraid to look at it :/

On the other hand, I've always felt the need to invest in myself with creative activities that are both therapeutic and tangible. For instance music. Believe me, once you start spending money on instruments and gear, the potential to spend more money is limitless. lol. And at the same time, writing songs and creating music or even learning covers is something no one can take away from you. A legacy if you will. A while ago I branched out into recording my original songs and it's helped me process a lot of guilt, anger, and emotions of past mistakes and tribulations more than therapy ever has. But really anything creative can fill this void like drawing, painting, writing prose, etc. All things on which a person can spend money that won't go to a coke dealer. YMMV

 

[zolpidemories]

All good ideas although with crypto and other forms of gambling, I would add the caveat to never invest more money than you are willing to lose. I've put over $1000 into crypto in the past year or so and now my portfolio is a fraction of what it once was and I can't afford to put anymore into it. So now I'm sitting on shit and just waiting for it to go up if it ever does again. I haven't even checked my wallet in several months because I'm afraid to look at it :/

On the other hand, I've always felt the need to invest in myself with creative activities that are both therapeutic and tangible. For instance music. Believe me, once you start spending money on instruments and gear, the potential to spend more money is limitless. lol. And at the same time, writing songs and creating music or even learning covers is something no one can take away from you. A legacy if you will. A while ago I branched out into recording my original songs and it's helped me process a lot of guilt, anger, and emotions of past mistakes and tribulations more than therapy ever has. But really anything creative can fill this void like drawing, painting, writing prose, etc. All things on which a person can spend money that won't go to a coke dealer. YMMV

for me it was the other way around, i spent all my savings in crypto in 2013 then a year or two later i got into mining ethereum with gpus so i got in at the very beginning, and i think i spent 25% of it on synthesizers, drum machines fx units and daw / software vinyl turntables and other music making gear (mostly techno and hip hop oriented) instrumental part of hip hop that is, my voice is dog crap for hip hop lol... but electronic music in general, been making it over a decade and when i finally got some money i just filled my space with gear lol so i know what you mean. and hold on to that crypto mate, its not really possible for it to go lower, this is the point i would put all my money in on it again if i had any lol ... thats why i am trying to work with the remaining breadcrumbs from what i once thought would last a lifetime.

 

[Beiny]

Ok - so things have spiraled quite precipitously (though somewhat predictably) - an iPhone software update recovered my dealers # to my contact list (not that I couldn’t have found to with some minor effort), and I’ve been on a tear lately.

Wife and I are going through some rough things - some of it exacerbated bymy “abnormal” behavior”. So yeah, I’m on the verge of a massive consequence as (at least partially) a result of my addiction.

I can go weeks/momaths without it, but for some reason I can’t tap into how unemjoyable it actually is when I do it. I almost always zip right into full-on psychosis mode and spend most of the time freaked the fuck out. Then I cry like a baby when I come out of a binge asking what the fuck am I doing.

I’ve opened up to my therapist, but so far she’s borderline enabling. But hopefully that will help.

I write this all here to get it off ky chest and because I know some of you have at least gone through similar things,

There seemed to be a bit of a shift as I was going to meet my guy this time - it felt palpably like the obtaining of the drug was controlling me, instead of being my choice. I really didn’t like that and almost turned around on the way. Maybe that means something?

I’ve got to take it one day at a time. Day 1 yet again. My wife is going away next weekend - a big test for me - one I need to start preparing for now. Wish me luck and thanks for all the support.

 

[Seattle User]

Tell your wife you've got what feels like the beginning of a gambling problem and hand your finances over to her, cards/accounts etc and get her to give you an allowance for food etc so you can't buy 7gs of coke when she's gone, you're just fighting your brains reward system here.. not severe withdrawal

This is what helped me.

 

[Beiny]

Soooo. I’m still alive. Still not able to stop. I have made a bit progress f progress, and I recognize the noise (and when there’s noise it means it’s not a foregone conclusion - so that’s good.

Wife went to a friends house last weekend for a sleepover (opportunity). It was a struggle, but I made it through. Stayed busy in the kitchen. Good thing too - cause she ended up coming home due to a snowstorm. That felt good.

Ffwd a week and she’s off to NJ for a little over a week (opportunity). I kept my therapy appt sat morning, but I was pretty honest that I was probably gonna do it. And I did 7g at 10:30am Sat - maybe 1-2 lines left at 7pm Sunday. I do waaaaay to much when I do it.

Psychosis. Almost instantly. Every. Single. Time. It’s so not enjoyable.

Gonna keep Trying. She’s gone next weekend too - got my eyes set on that for victory.

 

[lofidelity]

Welcome to bluelight

Damn, I wish I could just make you feel the way I do about sobriety.

Not to get all armchair therapist on you, but it's interesting that you don't mention wanting to stop, or anything like that, after the title.

I always would say, alright let me just finish this bag, THEN I'm done.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

For what reasons do you want to quit? Say your dog and wife didn't give two shits that you used. Why do you want to stop?

It's funny you mention this. I'm still addicted and have a desire to stop now but years ago definitely didn't I was the proudest crackhead you'd ever meet and used to preach it. Hated a sorry ass crackhead, I figured if you're gonna live that life, might as well own it

I do not feel this way now. I feeel trapped and like an incapable human. With it, I fuck everything up. Without it, there's no pleasure, no kicks and then I go back to it