This day...

Taken from a series of emails between me and The Young Geezer:

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== Wednesday 27, July 2011 ==
Hey! This sunday will be my birthday! 24 years! I expect to spend it alone like many other times.
How have you been? Everything good?
I miss talking with someone knowlodgeable who doesn't criticize me and knows about the subject.
For some reason, this days have been the most deppressive ones in my life.
I wake up every morning with this horrible sensation, it is not panic, or anxiety,
It's an anguish, an incredible emptiness. As if the night before they told I was to be executed in the morning.
As the sun goes shiner I get better, even euphoric.
I am in a lot of physical pain. I have nauseas.
I don't think I can hold like this much longer. Is like if my body is doing everything it can to make me as umcomfortable as it can.
Mentally, my anxiety is largely gone, althought a some still lingers in there; however, that improvement is tarnished by the emotions and sensations I feel and describe.
I don't use downers anymore because they don't fill me up anymore. I wonder if they ever did.
I consume 250 mgs of Tramadol to perk me up when I wake up, but I fear I will get withdrawal symptoms someday, something brutal I have never experienced and scares me to death.
Interpersonally and socially, everything is the same, I can count my friends with the fingers of one hand, and am in a permanent war with my family, like always.
I'm gonna smoke a cigarrette and try to sleep some, thought I have developed a phobia of sleeping. I sleep very bad, waking up every few hours and with muscle pain,
like when you sleep in a bad position.
I may publish this on the Bluelight forums.
This birthday seems like it's gonna be like any other bad day of my life.
Regards.

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Happy birthday to me...

End of the message.

Regards.

 

I tend to feel some sort of way when a birthday is approaching and also find that my mood gets progressively better the more sunlight I get.

What's causing the physical pain, though (if you feel like divulging)?

Oh, and don't sweat the friend's thing... most of us have very few true friends but many associates

 

My muscles, feels like someone is pulling them from the ligaments, where they are anchored to the bone, if that makes sense.
That's the best I can explain it.
My back, my neck and my head.
I don't know exactly the cause, but I'm pretty sure it is benzo PAWS, makes me thing: "fuck if this is why I left them then I should've stayed on them..."
Usually I would try not care too much about my non existent social life, but my birthday reminds me and evidences to me and to everyone near me just how lonely am I.
Socially inept, I never have a real conversation, always arguing, apologizing or talking about work.
I don't expect to receive any gifts or congratulations from anyone (even from my family) but I never do.
And that's very true, I have a lot of associates and just a few friends.

 

I can be socially awkward as well. Never know what to say or, I worry about people misinterpreting the things I've already said.

Somewhere along the line I developed some sort of self-confidence and that helps tremendously. Took close to 40 years for me to get that shit though.

Man, I hope your pain passes quickly and soon. We need you raising hell on your Bday! :D

 

Ohhh don't you worry about that,
My true and few friends are gonna gather and for just one night I'm gonna forget how shitty my life is.
I don't feel anxious anymore: interesting, I don't feel anxious when talking to people and don't give a shit if I offend or hurt their feelings,
with time I've become some sort of sociopath, whatever...
Thanks man! Really appreciate it!

 

interesting, I don't feel anxious when talking to people and don't give a shit if I offend or hurt their feelings,

I'm guessing that its because you probably speak your heart. When we are right (or firmly believe we are right) its other people's problems if they get offended or have their feelings hurt.

We gotta balance that with an open-mind, though (just in case we are in fact wrong in our beliefs). That way we learn and don't look like jackasses! I HATE looking like a douchebag over not being willing to say 'fuck! yeah, I was wrong'

 

I do aknwoledge whenever I'm wrong,
I just don't mind telling the truth or things as they are.
In part because I've learned to stop feeling anxious about being wrong about what I say.