this could be the best day ever!

Bluelight I feel better than I have in a long time. Maybe my entire life. I have finally been able to put a clamp on the self hate. I am not saying I love myself but I do at least like myself. That's a pretty nice start I think. I went out last night for new years and had a pretty great time. Met 3 new interesting people in this new city. Found some "molly" off a guy that was some kind of stim but it was still fun. I then got to sing while my buddy played keyboard. I am horrible but holy fuck was it fun! 2014 was rough got arrested, went to rehab, had a horrendous suboxone kick then relapsed 2 hours off the plane and was right back on sub a month later. Disaster so it seemed! But it wasn't. My lawyer used his magic to get the judge to dismiss my case since I went. Then I was able to move in with a family member my same age. Then I started feeling like this! I read somewhere that males brains don't fully develop until 26. I am thinking that's what has happened. I don't understand what else it could be? I was depressed for like 10 years 4 suicide attempts 2 which where very for real not a cry for help or anything. I don't take SSRI I am on same dose of sub. But I am just not going to overanalyze a great thing. I have to thank my friends from this site who have helped me through the rough times. It made a bigger difference than you will ever probably realize! I have big plans for 2015 that I wont ramble on about. I think its gonna be the best year of my life.



Happy New Years Bluelight

 

I'm glad you're doing better and got to do something fun for New Year's Eve. Happy New Year!

 

good stuff crimson, you sound like you are actually looking at things positively for the first time in a while. just use past experiences as motivation to make yourself not want to go back to that you know what I mean?

youre young, intelligent, and live in the United States. fucking enjoy it man lol

 

Keep at it brother, I am in a similar situation. On multiple substances most of my teen-adult life to relax and not hate the living shit out of myself. Most recently developed a heavy opiate habit and kicked it one day last month after deciding that i could never be truly happy if i didn't follow my dreams in this world. Shear hope that they will manifest with whatever work i have to put in. 3 days in WD's (cold turkey with a bit of help of tapered kratom doses) I was in the worst state i have ever been in my life, but knowing that after it would be over i would not have that chain around the foot holding me back, it kept me going, that and music.. I owe my life to music. Its been over a month now since my last opiate use (my favorite drug) and since the new year i have kicked pot, cigs and all other illicit substances (for the most part, e-cig helps and i think it was 1 and a half actual cigs since midnight of the new year). I have my good days and then my shit days but the thing that keeps me going is faith, not religious but faith in myself, that no matter what, my goals are not just pipe dreams, I CAN DO IT, I CAN FOLLOW THROUGH. Stick with it buddy, your not alone in the struggle for a better existence. May the fury in your soul drive you, what once was a cancer eating at my soul, now is the fire that keeps me going. Wide eyed and hungry we take the world. Best of luck.

 

Crimson, I am really happy for you. I do actually think that something as simple as age could have something to do with it. Mid twenties things got easier for me for no other reason that I could see at the time. I just say I was the poster child for the slowly developing frontal lobe LOL.

 

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thanks for all the kind words they mean a lot to me! I am trying to keep the momentum going forward.

 

crimson if it's any consolation; i admire you as a writter. you're awesome and i wish you luck; hope you get better bro!

 

you're also very humble and polite. some people won't associate that with a person who uses drugs for recreation; which doesn't make you any less of a person. keep strong brother!