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Thinking about taking a break

I

iChelsea

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 22, 2010
Messages
48
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about two months know. We have a lot in common, such as eating healthy, same major, basically just a lot of the same interests.

Yesterday we got in an disagreement about sexist jokes. I told him that I don't like being around sexist humour, and I don't find it funny as I believe it creates culture that is more tolerant of violence towards women. He told me he disagreed and that I was "taking it too seriously", and I ended up just getting really pissed off and not talking about it. I emailed him a link to show him that every study done on the subject found that sexist jokes do have a measurable impact on sexist behavoir.

Now his opinion is that sexist jokes only exist to laugh at the stupid sexist notions of the past, still apparently believing that they do not cause harm to women. This just blatantly doesn't make any sense. The only people I hear make sexist jokes are people who I have also seen being rather condescending towards their own girlfriends, or people who don't get involved with relationships but sleep withmany different women who are drunk (such as frat boys, etc.)

This is a really serious and personal issue for me. I have been in abusive relationships in the past and I have many girl-friends who have been raped or beaten by men. It bothers me that he is telling me that I'm "taking it too seriously" and is trying to argue against my opinion on it.

This entire arguement has really lessened my trust and connection with him. I don't feel like sexist behavoir is really something that he cares about. Standing up for women is something that I very strongly identify with. I feel really disconnected from him now and I don't even want to be around him. Maybe I am acting like a child, but I just don't know about this relationship anymore.

What should I do? :/
 
Jokes and humor are a way to deal with things we cannot really understand. Humor is mostly connected with things which are deeply rooted in our existence... Do you think it's coincdence that so many jokes are about sex, ethnic stereotypes; gender stereotypes, bodily stereotypes, religion, handicaps, etc.? IMO, it's a way to deal with things we can never truly understand rather than a way to promote difference and hostility among people. People don't necessary want to harm other people by making jokes, neither do they want to promote these differences which in themselves generate hostility. Just look at kids, they laugh with things the most -- exactly because they cannot understand it completely.

I also think it can be liberating. Do you remember 9/11 tragedy? Only a few days later there were already jokes/parodies on the internet. Do people do this to harm other people even more? I don't think so. IMO, it's a way to deal with things we cannot really comprehend.

In short, as a man, I think you are overreacting.

On the other hand, to support your side somehow. I do think that people who have a strong urge to make jokes about others are mostly very insecure about their own identity, and for this reason attack their counter-identity to validate their own identity. Examples legio: the man who constantly needs to tell degrading jokes about women probably craves to self-establish his own superiority because he wants to comply to traditional gender-roles, the atheist who feels the constant urge to mock the religious person, the white person who has an urge to talk negatively about the black man, the (supposedly) intelligent person who constantly needs to self-affirm himself by talking down to people who are (supposedly) less smart, or those who make homophobic jokes are often (unconsciously) not that sure about their own orientation themselves, etc.
 
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Aww, I'm sorry about the argument. :( Is this the first one?

It's a personal decision, my dear. For me, sexist jokes are no big deal but I have a dark sense of humor and they are just so out of the realm that defines me that they are ludicrously funny. I even make them myself just to get a reaction out of people. lol But, I totally understand if it's a big deal to you. You have to ask yourself if it's something to break up over. People fight and have arguments. It's gonna happen no matter what. Every boyfriend you have will say something that will piss you off, but it's up to you if it's something so egregious that you feel it's worth separating over. If it's not, it's best to just let it go.

I agree with your boyfriend, but I understand if this is a bozo no-no for you since you've got some personal experience with it.
 
I had a really similar argument with an ex actually. I understand that this is quite a personal topic for you but as Lysis said, is this really something worth breaking up over? You can't expect for the two of you to see eye to eye on everything and sometimes the differences are going to be about topics you feel deeply about, but that's also a rather integral part of any relationship. If you're overall happy with him maybe you could just try to avoid that subject altogether, tell him you'd rather he didn't make those kind of jokes around you :)
 
Maybe I am overreacting. It's just that my feelings are hurt. I'm trying to get over it, but I don't even wanna be around him now.

Also to me its not really that people intend harm by making sexist jokes. Its just that most evidence suggests that exposure to such jokes DOES influence behavoir. So while on the surface it may seem like "just a joke," it really isnt. If you don't believe me, you should look into it because there really is an overwhelming concensus in terms of research.

It is kind of shitty to deal with, and maybe that's why most people don't really want to talk about it. Admitting that sexist, racist, etc. jokes do influence behavoir would also mean admitting every time we made one of those jokes we encouraged that kind of behavoir. Which is kind of hard to swallow.

Either way, my perception of him has really changed a lot...and it makes me wonder if dating someone is something I'm ready for right now.
 
I think you are over reacting. While I am strongly anti-sexist and anti arbitrary discrimination in general, I think jokes have a place.

It's parody and satire, and indeed the sheer fact we find the jokes humourous, laughable, shows that the actual meaning behind them is.absurd and laughable.

Context matters too... somewhere like 4Chan.org... it's acceptable to make fun of anything and everything. It's implicit that nothing is to be taken seriously and that it's just trolls trolling trolls...pissing into an ocean of piss.

Cracking a joke to your S/O I think is the same...

Like it's obvious that one LOVES their S/O so it's implied its just circle jerking ends not serious.

I.e. my fiance is going into medicine... I take the piss out of Life Science/Biology all the time as a result... of course, I deeply respect Physicians and Life sci( indeed,considering its my undergrad too...) so it's just for lulz. She'll take the piss out of the abstract nonsense that comprises mathematics and physics (which is my m.sc) but in reality, she loves that stuff and wants to learn more of it.

We'll make fun of each other's aesthetic tastes and shit too... like it's really just joking.
 
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it sounds like you push each others' buttons, and maybe not in a good way. i can't stand people who lump jokes about gender in with sexual assault (i can laugh about my girlfriend's obsession with clothes and she can make fun of me for farting too much without anyone getting raped), and i'm very comfortable with the fact that they probably don't like me too much either. it sounds like your ideology is a big part of your identity, and, as such, you're going to have trouble having a relationship with someone who doesn't take it seriously. conflicts like these are not likely to stop, and are going to continue to erode the respect you have for each other. life is too short to be with someone you don't respect.
 
^ well said.

you are entitled to your feelings and you obviously feel strong enough about the issue for it to affect the way you view and respect your s/o. i cant help but query, simply based on the OP and you mentioning how many positive similarities you both share; if all of that put aside, this one difference (whilst very important to you) is worth sacrificing your relationship for?

...kytnism...:|
 
What was the joke? If it was extremely inappropriate, ok than yeah maybe show some restraint and respect how you feel.

If it was dumb, get over it.

If you want to break up over a single joke he made, maybe you have other issues with him and are using this as an excuse.
 
Wow, thinking about taking a break after 2 months because of sexual jokes, wow! If someone suggested that to me I would say cya later. Obviously you have to learn how to lighten up.
 
I personally am okay with some sexist jokes. As long as that's what they are, and that's all.

That being said - it's clearly an issue to you. Something that is THAT important to you ... he should take seriously. It may not make sense to him, it doesn't have to. But, in a relationship, you have to listen to your partners views on things like this. If you can't agree or at least tolerate things like this, then maybe it's not a good relationship to be in. Not that either of you are bad people - just that your morals are too different.

Try talking to him again and just explain that these things really bother you. It's okay that it bothers you. Explain it to him and hopefully you two can have a good conversation about it and work things out :)
 
It's normal to disagree on things with your partner. You will never always agree on everything. It's unrealistic to expect that.

What you guys need to focus on is moving forward. He needs to value your opinion and not dismiss it with "you're overreacting". He needs to say, okay I understand how you feel and although I don't see it that way--I respect it. You need to say, I get what you're trying to say but I don't agree with it but I will accept it.. HOWEVER, this is an issue that runs deep with it so I would appreciate it if you do not make sexist jokes to me, about me, or in front of me. That's the compromise.

P.S. Taking a break never resolves anything. Talking does.
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
He needs to value your opinion and not dismiss it with "you're overreacting".
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^This.

A good example of this is my partner and I. She has been a vegetarian since she was 6, as such it's a huge part of her identity. I on the other hand love a good steak.

We can joke about this, and that's fine, but I can see exactly why it would go too far if she were to disregard my opinions on the subject saying "You're not taking it seriously enough!" and on the other hand if I were to tell her "You're taking it too seriously"

Disagreements, and jokes are one thing. The difference lies in whether you respect your partners disagreement. In my case I 100% agree with my partners moral, and health issues with eating meat and at the same time, she's willing to understand that while I consider myself a moralistic person, there's other things that I'm passionate about and in this particular case, the tasty tastes of meat takes priority.

I would discuss the subject again, but rather than having an argument where one of you is trying to win over or beat the other one, try having a discussion with the intent to understand completely why you feel the way you do, and he feels the way he does. If one or both of you can't do this, it probably won't work IMO.
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
It's normal to disagree on things with your partner. You will never always agree on everything. It's unrealistic to expect that.

What you guys need to focus on is moving forward. He needs to value your opinion and not dismiss it with "you're overreacting". He needs to say, okay I understand how you feel and although I don't see it that way--I respect it. You need to say, I get what you're trying to say but I don't agree with it but I will accept it.. HOWEVER, this is an issue that runs deep with it so I would appreciate it if you do not make sexist jokes to me, about me, or in front of me. That's the compromise.

P.S. Taking a break never resolves anything. Talking does.
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This.
 
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