Thinking about life and maybe rehab

[NoPromiseMade]

So I am not currently physically addicted. DOC is opiates of any form. I have court monday for a probation violation stemming from a DWI where I got drunk and barred out and obliterated mine and some other dudes car. I have no recollection of the impact. So I am out on bail and have done various drugs and drinking almost every day. When I got out I swore I'd stop but I just dont fucking know how to do it. It's just a natural response to rifle through medicine cabinets and do anything I can get my hands on, stealing to support it is just second nature. I can intellectualize that I have done something wrong but I feel no feelings of remorse, it's not even a matter of justification because I dont feel bad about my actions. A sure sign of sociopathic thought. Anyway, I want to stop I know that if I keep going I will be very unhappy before I finally get around to killing myself. I find it a little funny that I could give a fuck about my loving supporting family, recovery seems almost like a selfish act. Non addicts have their whole lives figuring out what makes them happy, I feel stunted. I dont have any actual hobbies and only a couple of good friends that should have written me off a long time ago.

So I was thinking I could use a break to get my head together "get it sorted out, get off it for good". And if I can do that instead of jail-time the merrier. I am in school right now and I love it but I need help, there is no way I would be able to complete the semester the way I am doing right now. I just wish I came to this realization sooner.

Anyone know any good rehab places in the Houston/Texas area?

 

[cj]

Most schools offer free counseling which can refer you to programs in your area. I just started counseling through my school today it is totally free and great I got a referal to a doctor for my ADD and insomnia. If you have insurance they have whats called a patient care advocate that can help you pick a program thats close to you and covered by them. Goodluck

 

[blahman8000]

I can intellectualize that I have done something wrong but I feel no feelings of remorse, it's not even a matter of justification because I dont feel bad about my actions. A sure sign of sociopathic thought.

The simple fact that you're concerned over the idea that you may be experiencing a symptom of sociopathy is a sign that you are not a sociopath. So don't let that bother you.

 

[NoPromiseMade]

^
Perhaps, I cant quite tell if the lack of emotion is beneficial to me or not.
Not experiencing remorse for armed robbery? Useful for the fact it doesnt cause anxiety. But if it did then I wouldnt have done it, therefor leading me to not be able to score. God I used to be a good person. Regardless it's scary to me in an objective sense the things I can do and not feel bad about, a slew of ex's can attest to that. Ah the more fucked up one's actually enjoyed it. And again the only reason I stopped that particular behavior was because I could tell it would only be a matter of time until I ran straight into the hands of the law.

 

[blahman8000]

^
Perhaps, I cant quite tell if the lack of emotion is beneficial to me or not.
Not experiencing remorse for armed robbery? Useful for the fact it doesnt cause anxiety. But if it did then I wouldnt have done it, therefor leading me to not be able to score. God I used to be a good person. Regardless it's scary to me in an objective sense the things I can do and not feel bad about, a slew of ex's can attest to that. Ah the more fucked up one's actually enjoyed it. And again the only reason I stopped that particular behavior was because I could tell it would only be a matter of time until I ran straight into the hands of the law.

I wish that I had some good advice for you, I really do. But unfortunately I'm experiencing some similar problems.

All I can say is that, you seem to be genuinely concerned with how benevolent you are towards other human beings. That is a sure sign that there is plenty of good left within you. Deep down I bet you are a good human being. Get yourself the help you need and become the person that you want to be, deep down. You can be happy.

 

[T. Calderone]

Please don't beat yourself up so badly over stealing somebody's meds or shoplifting. It doesn't make you a bad person. This affliction caused you to do these things and like the above post stated, the fact that you are aware and remorseful negates the sociopath theory. The armed robbery is troubling to me and I truly hope that you can turn your life around with rehab. What are you being charged with, if you don't mind me asking? I was wondering if they had revoked your bail at this point. ~theresa

 

[BEEF/N/BROKLY]

not that this is any relavent, and your sig ~theresa further leads me into believing im wrong, but T. calderon isnt refering to da puertorican blak looking rapper tego is it? tego calderon.... i kno its most likely ur name theresa calderone but seeing ur SN as the last reply made me curious if u ever listen to tego as u share his intials n last name kinda lol ok im done now bak on topic, go get help if need be, dont kill ur self blablabla

 

[T. Calderone]

not that this is any relavent, and your sig ~theresa further leads me into believing im wrong, but T. calderon isnt refering to da puertorican blak looking rapper tego is it? tego calderon.... i kno its most likely ur name theresa calderone but seeing ur SN as the last reply made me curious if u ever listen to tego as u share his intials n last name kinda lol ok im done now bak on topic, go get help if need be, dont kill ur self blablabla

Man that's sort of funny, my son is into rap in a big way. I'm familiar with Lil Wayne, Luda, Diddy, Usher off the top of my head I don't know this other one who shares my maiden name. (Plus the president of Mexico) I must look him up now I'm curious. Hmmm, my dad had some Italian lineage hence the last name

 

[NoPromiseMade]

Well thankfully I haven't gotten anything too serious. I was on probation for possession of mj(2nd time) and I just violated the hell out of it a couple of weeks ago with a DWI in which I fell asleep (I think, I have no recollection) and rammed my car up the ass of a mercedes. I kind of actually want my probation revoked so I dont have to worry about that on my shoulders. I'm thinking anywhere from two weeks to a month in county jail. I know a stint in rehab would be longer than that but I think if I did that I could maybe get a charge dismissed or adjudicated. Besides I really need the whole life changing spaghetti monster enlightenment.

 

[T. Calderone]

I am grateful that I never got caught for any of the things I've done, as I would not be a model prisoner. lolz
This girl who used to live next door to me got a DUI while running over 3 people and killing them. It cost a lot of money and her family scrambled to pay for a good attorney. She ended up getting 20 yrs probation after having to wear an ankle bracelet for 3+ years sitting at home. She was even allowed to leave FL and move to Texas with her new husband so now they can supervise her. Don't worry yourself because you want this chapter in your life to be done with. If you're serious about the rehab then by all means take this chance to get yourself back together.

 

[HooverMan]

NoPromisesMade, hello to you and everybody here. Good to read your post, although unfortunate, I hope it works out for you and you get the help you need.

There are a lot of good 12 Step programs out there in just about every city in the US (internationally too). I went to those a long time ago and for personal reasons chose not to continue. I plan on doing it someday but not quite ready yet. You'll be introduced to them when you have your time in court if you haven't already.

You can continue your schooling, work or whatever else but the only way these programs work is if you let someone direct you like a sponsor. Some call it "controlling" but usually only sick addcits/alcoholics..GO FIGURE! lol But if you watch the ones who have long term sobriety and seem genuinly happy, have plenty of decent friends in the program, then those are the ones to hang with. Its always hard in the beginning especially letting someone tell you what to do but anything to get away from your own faulty thinking helps. Sometimes they are wrong too but the trade off is that you'll find yourself staying clean/sober and all sorts of good shit happening in your life.

No matter what I say, at the end of the day it points back to me on my habits and why I'm not there. I have nothing bad to say about any of those programs. I do what I do because it's my choice and that's all I have to say about that.

A probation violation will land you some time in jail, I'm pretty sure about that. But they have 12 step programs in there too. If you're really sincere and willing then you'll leave it all in God's hands and tell him that you'll do His will no matter where you end up. That's a test right there of how far you're willing to go. If you don't (and you don't really have to want to either) then that's on you.

I would be straight with the judge and tell him/her what you are and what you're doing about it. If you're arraignment isn't for awhile then you have time to get in the program, make friends, and bring someone to court with you to speak on your behalf if the judge allows it. That's not the reason to do that but it's something you do whether things go your way or not. If you want to stop feeling bad then simply own up to it and pay for whatever your fate is. Once you do that, then you don't have the burden of guilt riding you the way it's doing now. GL brother.