things

[deaf eye]

i totally removed myself from people and places, but never understood the things, i always thought
shit, springwater caps, q tip cottons, cigerette butts, they are things..

i have a little over 4 and a half months clean,
on my way to a meeting tonight, i stopped at a deli to get some cigs
when i got out of my car, i saw some jokers in front of the store , and felt the dope radar go off,
i walked past them and into the store,
while i get up to the counter, i see fucking screens , empty dime/nickle bags for sale, rolling papers and chore boy
i begin to get a weird fucking feeling, i go in my pocket for my phone, i forgot it at home,
my stomach gets that feeling like i use to get when i was on my way to the cop spot,
i get my cigs
light one up , drive off, just looking in front of me,
make it to my meeting, i raise my hand , people are getting picked talking NA shit, after the first ten minutes of open sharing, the meeting goes into a discussion on step 2
i grab and old timer, and like bro im bugging out, i need to let this out, we go outside i tell him the rooms spinning, i cant focus, he listens and gives some advice,and a hug
i go back into the meeting, wait for burning desires to share how im feeling,
there was no burning desire part of the meeting,
i get with a few more people till the feelings subsides a little

man this shit had me bugging, how powerless i still am ,i was thinking i have no desire to go on another run, i got this shit, and wammmm

when i got to the meeting, i felt like i hit the pipe, heart was pounding,

damn now i have an understanding how things can be a trigger

thanks

 

[pastelcircus]

yeah, things are a huge trigger. like today, i was washing a bunch of shit for my mom to sell at a yard-sale, and i noticed this little glass tray with raised edges on it and think to myself, "what a perfect little coke-tray"... it's like i saw it and it completely bypassed my mental filter, the filter that says that i've been clean for 72 days. i kind of thought it was funny, but it's not like i found a coke tray AND coke. you were kind of up close and personal, eh? have you tried meditating or praying over the ordeal? and it sucks that you didn't think to bring it up in your meeting, try to remember next time you go to one. you'll probably get stories pretty similar to what you experienced today.

 

[RedLeader]

Cognitive association is a very powerful thing. The moment that you truly decide that you want to stay clean indefinitely will be the moment you realize just how tough this can be. To an extent, one can change people, places and things, but some stuff just cannot be avoided. True, we can think our way through a lot of this, but for those seconds after the trigger occurs, we're still going to feel very uncomfortable and be reminded of a lot of heavy stuff.

I bought a protein powder tonight, one that I have not used since the last months of my addiction. When I bought it, I didn't even think twice, but then tonight after my first big gulp of my first shake, I INSTANTLY craved heroin through every single part of my body. It hit me like a wave, about a second after I tasted that taste. I was totally not prepared for this, and was there standing in my kitchen with my heart racing and my palms sweating. Now I have to decide whether to go back tomorrow and switch it out for another flavour, or try to rationalise my way around what's going on.