Things were going so good... then relapsed, in more than just one way...

[bennyZA]

I made a year sober last week... It was a proud moment for everyone else, but if you've read my posts before, you'd know that I wasn't really diggin sobriety. That being said, I joined some local groups that helped me, but only socially.

So, without a permanent group of friends to support me, or a group of people in general that I consider "trustworthy" or people that "love me," I relapsed. After a year without opiates, and just as important, alcohol. Life still sucked. I had joined a Buddhist Zen group that was really helping but I have yet to really open up and to really trust anyone.

I had a really bad day, very sad on all accounts so today I said fuck it... I decided to cop some dope. Thankfully I had no cash on me and I never did... thank god. However, I did relapse in another way. I ended up substituting alcohol for the dope. I ended up drinking. Not much, a few beers, but still... I wanted the pain of the sober loner to go away.

Drinking wasn't enough, and now what I'm about to say is the hardest thing to admit, and no one knows about, especially since it is non usually associated with men. I was jonesin for some sort of high. I saw a nice, big, serrated knife... and, well, I cut myself, deep. Really deep. Sick thing is I was laughing the whole time I was patching it up, I felt great. Instantly I felt relieved and happy. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I went a year sober on my two DOC's and now not only did I relapse on one, but I'm determined to cop the other... when I couldn't... I did the closest thing possible. This is all after I thought I found some peace at the Buddhist Temple, and even more disconcerting, I'm supposed to live at the temple for two weeks, three weeks from now, as a dedicated student.

I need some advice, some serious advice. Why did I go from good, to great for a moment, to back where I was before... right back. This is a major relapse on all levels, right before I'm supposed to change my life. WTF.

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH A RELAPSE OF SUCH MAGNITUDE. (I just want to remind people that I've been essentially blacklisted from NA/AA, so going there isn't really an option). So much fucked up shit got piled on to me in the last few days and I can't help but think about how much I want to be in la-la-land. Heroin was unattainable so I cut myself, WTF! and who knows... when I get some cash soon I might end up copping... FUCK ME. FUCK ME. WTF.

 

[ad lib]

Hey Benny. I know this is going to sound cliche and you've probably heard it before, but just bare with me!

Relapse IS part of recovery.

Perhaps you relapsed because like you mentioned you felt sad and lonely. I know when I feel like that, I want to relapse too and 95% of the time I do.

Coping mechanisms is what we need to find. Right now substances are out coping mechanisms. Has the Buddhist zen group taught you any coping mechanisms? Do they know your past?

Since you still haven't copped your other DOC, there's still time for you to not give in! There's still hope in that aspect. Try to distract yourself in a healthy way. If those from the zen group know about you past substance abuse, can you reach out to one of them?

You self injured because you're overwhelmed, no? I'm assuming that's another coping mechanism you've become accustomed to over your addiction and life.

Havr you tried CBT? They're able to give you new coping mechanism suggestions and of course it's someone to talk to.

Don't beat yourself up over this; it happens to EVERYONE. you had the determination and will power to become clean previously, so deep down you can use that will to overcome this setback.

 

[killshot]

I thought I remember u posting that u have suboxone and still smoke pot... Sorry man but that ain't sobriety. It's still respectable that u haven't used heroin for over a year and I'm not trying to downplay that, I'm just trying to get you to realize how much worse you'd feel without those things... And realize that using could fuck up your current prescription due to drug tests that these sub docs do. That's how I lost my script for subs and now every time I withdraw I kick myself in the ass for fuckin up my sub script. Sobriety is a full time job bro, comparable to how copping dope 24/7 to keep from being sick is; you have to worry about it every second of the day. And please don't cut yourself , that's a very slippery slope to fall down with a harsh rock bottom. Good luck my dude, keep fighting the good fight.

 

[Movemauser]

Do you find yourself more prone to relapse just before something really positive is going to start in your life? I'm only drawing on my own experience, but I'm just at the start of something(s) amazing in my life and it's always at that point when I'm most vulnerable. With you, Benny, perhaps your positive thing is your forthcoming time at the temple, as a student of Buddhism. If you can get through to that and do exactly what is required - I'm sure you will come out of it a stronger person. Can also recommend CBT, from personal experience - it's very good. Keep talkin - how's everything now?