Things are getting worse

[lasthurrah19]

Hey everyone...

I'm not doing so well, and am starting to have some serious suicidal ideation. This is not an uncommon thing for me, but lately it's been a lot better and I feel like things are on the verge of collapsing. I am not about to hurt myself but I know that this is where it will lead to if I don't somehow reverse my process.

I'm just sick of feeling, sick of living a totally unproductive life and I don't even know if I want to be productive. There is no freedom in this world for me, or anywhere I don't think. I have no solid relationships. My mom is constantly telling me things like "There's something going on" and basically constantly questions everything I do. My grandmother, who I live with, is dying.

I just don't see the point. Why should I struggle when the result is probably not even worth the effort? Why should I stay alive to keep others from feeling the pain of me being gone? This is where it ends up anyway. Why not help it along. Who gives a shit. I am tired of PAIN and I am tired of anxiety and I am tired of my useless body that is just a vessel for more pain...

I am not afraid of death. I know people will get over it, even though it will cause them pain temporarily. I don't think it is impossible for me to become more healthy, but it is very hard and I don't even know that I want a life. Sure there are times where I convince myself that it is worth it just to see the new day and what awaits, but really I can't deal with routine and have barely any concept of the future. I don't really know what to say except that I see what is happening and I don't want to end up in the psych ward and I guess somewhere inside my skull I don't want to die. I am tired of the cycle of bullshit.

 

[Draigan]

Uhm. You are looking for advice, but I think you know already what you need to do. YOu need to overcome all the bs in your life. Some people just get eaten alive by the BS of this world. Its like this. There is really nobody out there that is going to save you from yourself, and probably nobody out there that will save you from us. Were kinda evil eh. Its a jungle out there, we will tear you apart if you don't fend us off. The good news is that you can fend us off though. In body mind and spirit. If you just sit there and are idle though, we will work when you do nothing, and we will leave you behind.

You need to take every last bit of energy that you have and turn it towards survival. Keep pushing and using the system to your advantage. Be keen like a fox. Seriously, you gota fight FIGHT FIGHT, until you break through and find yourself on a cloud of stability and harmony.

FIGHT!!! Don't give up or youll just get depressed sick and die. But if you wake up first thing in the morning and kick some serious fucking ass in life, youll find yourself in a fortunate spot!! You live in a country of opportunity, but only those who kick ass get the spoils of war!! Hunt for yourself and I bet youll feel a million times better!! Learning that lesson has made all the difference in my life. Its not enough to survive, what we need is to THRIVE!!!

 

[User Name Here]

Have you talked to anyone about this or simply kept it all inside?

 

[rr00]

Even if you don't thrive, don't underestimate what life can give you out of nothing. Your feelings are real, but your current outlook on life is subjective and they both are temporary. The tiniest things in life can make a huge change, never forget that.

 

[Regenesis2]

Today I feel a lot like you. I have no idea how to deal with this shit either.
I do try to stay away from judgemental assholes these days. I can't expect myself to be anything or do anything good for a while. Hopefully it doesn't last much longer but I don't know.

 

[clementines_ghost]

Just an FYI: your family will never "get over it" if you commit suicide. A family member of mine committed suicide almost 30 years ago, when I was in middle school, and not a single day goes by that I don't actively grieve her and miss her, still. I'm not claiming that my experience is universal, but I know a lot of people who lost someone to suicide and it is a lifelong wound that never heals, without exception, in my experience and that of my friends and family.

 

[adicabrady]

Clementine is right,your family and friends never get over it.I noted that you mentioned your mother,she certainly will never get over you not only dying but doing it on purpose.I'm much older than you but I think of suicide every day.The reason I don't do it is the fact that some people love me.I have friends and children that have dealt with my being an addict,killing myself would be selfish and cruel.My friends and kids would think "If only,I had done this or that".I know because that is what I thought when my boyfriend died.

 

[iChelsea]

If anything, hold on to the possibility that maybe one day you will be happy. Maybe one day, you can help others who feel how you feel, or you can change the world in a positive way.

It doesn't seem hopeful right now, but look at the evidence. People who are in depression like this always come out of it eventually. Its impossible for anything to be permanent, time makes sure of that. Its irrational to think that you are stuck like this. Don't give up, the possibility of life is so much greater than the escape of death.

 

[jctoona84]

Even if you don't thrive, don't underestimate what life can give you out of nothing. Your feelings are real, but your current outlook on life is subjective and they both are temporary. The tiniest things in life can make a huge change, never forget that.

Nailed it! Everything is subjective. I've learned that attitude makes all the difference in the face of hardship. You can choose how to react to things. I start my days deciding my desired mood and I keep reminding myself of it all day. I was skeptical, but it does make a marked difference for the better. Good luck!

 

[lasthurrah19]

Thanks for the advice everyone. You're right, my mom wouldn't get over it. Sometimes I just don't care if she would or not...
I'm okay, just frustrated. I'm tired of feeling a little better and then falling back. I just get to the point that if my life is always going to be like this, I don't want to live. I know depression ends but almost my whole life has been clouded by depression and PTSD. I don't think it's impossible to improve, I've seen it in myself... I guess I just had a bad day... I still feel like I did when I posted but a little more removed from it. Plus I have therapy in a little while.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[ControlDenied]

First, you've got to understand that suicidal ideation and attempting/committing suicide are two very different things. The first is not uncommon. The second is rare and I don't see from your posts that you are someone who would ever commit suicide.

You are just concentrating too much on the negative. You know you need to be more active, but won't start it up because you think it won't be worth it? Will it be worth it in a year when you feel 10x worse? Or in 10 years. when it will be too late anyway? fuck man! Of course "trying" is worth it even - or even ESPECIALLY- if you fail. Then you learn, and evolve - the goal of living!

Identify your problems and set things into motion to make yourself feel better. You dont have relationships because you're not honest with yourself and thus open to other people. Just let it all out. You'll find a close friend sooner than you might expect. Of course a lot of people will think you're disgusting or a weirdo. But you cant make an omelette without breaking some eggs You can't make friends without opening up and you can't open up without some BS falling out and embarassing you Love yourself and life will love you, people, living people! Love exists at all times even in the very darkest of places - remember that. Youve been through worse before, and will be through worse in the future; and as usual, you will survive.

It's like Draigan said, in his usual clumsy combination of street bum naievite and mountainous wisdom . You need not only survive but thrive. to exist isnt enough; you need to LIVE. things get worse when you do nothing. if you make an effort, they might not get better, but at leasr they'll stay the same instead of getting worse, right? yes, that's how hard life is. so sink or swim buddy!

"To be happy you need to make more and more of an effort. You have to improve yourself every single day. The only way to feel happy" -- parcour star whose name i cant remember.

Even if you "improve" daily by simply building a crappy house made of matches or cards or lego, it doesnt matter. it is absolutely 100% better than doing nothing. learn to fight. learn to fuck. whatever! join the human club or you'll get kicked out - permanently!

*note: this entire message was somewhat written directly to myself. or what I perceive as my "lower self". My "shitty self". lol