They're Lying to Me

[ScaredofMyself]

I haven't been taking my medication.

When I do, it's usually with alcohol.

I hate it. It makes me feel different.

Sometimes I'm calm, nice, and sad.

Other times I'm hyper, mean, and happy.

When I take my medication, I don't feel like the second one that much.

The doctor's say it's for the best.

They don't know anything. They just don't want me to be happy.

I'm always sleepy. I don't like sleeping alone.

I'm 19, and I still have to have a fucking guardian.

Why is is having a different personality a disease?

I feel sad.

 

[neversickanymore]

Please elaborate such as what medication your taking and for what.

Also just a heads up.. recovery is not the place to play games.

 

[CfZrx]

Hey Scared, what makes you happy in life?

 

[ScaredofMyself]

I'm not going to play games. No one makes fun of me here.

I'm diagnosed with psychosis and ASPD.

I recently switched doctors and stopped a lot of medication. My new doctor said the lady treating me was giving me medication that doctors didn't use anymore that has very bad side effects. Go figure.


Anyway, I take:

abilify
trazadone
risperdal
perphenazine
clozapine

and other stuff for asthma and allergies.

My best friend. My best friend makes me happy.

 

[neversickanymore]

Just a few questions obviously only answer what you want.

So you're being treated for schizophrenia?

What are you taking for the allergies?

 

[ScaredofMyself]

Just a few questions obviously only answer what you want.

So you're being treated for schizophrenia?

What are you taking for the allergies?

Yes.

And Allegra.

 

[neversickanymore]

My intent is not to irritate you with a bunch of questions.. But do you experience paranoia with the other schizophrenic symptoms as you seem not to from the limited posts I have read.

Do you take the Allegra constantly. If not what effect if any does this medication have on your schizophrenic symptoms.

 

[ScaredofMyself]

My mood changes a lot.

I'm confused a lot.

I have a hard time focusing.

I'm always scared. I started smoking in the backyard because I felt paranoid out front.

I'm irritable, often changing personalities when I become upset.

If I'm extremely happy, I'll start having small hallucinations, constantly making me question if it's really happening.

I take the allergy stuff only in the spring/summer.

The medication makes me feel fake. Empty. I lose my personality.

 

[neversickanymore]

What were the original symptoms you were given drug treatment for.

 

[ScaredofMyself]

Taking pleasure in inflicting physical harm on others.

Homicidal Tendencies.

Hearing voices of dead friend.

Night Terrors.

 

[neversickanymore]

Wanna talk about he pleasure you get from harming others. This is a pretty alien concept to me. Trying to set my aside emotion.. what is the experience of pleasure like asociated with this. What does it make you feel like.. Pure curiosity here.

I've had night terrors.. I was never conscious during them and only heard the stories later. I also sleep walk and occasionally break out in fluent foreign language in languages im totally ignorant and also ac occasionally have cooked entire meals sleep walking.

 

[ScaredofMyself]

The pleasure came from making people that were happy just as miserable as you.

 

[neversickanymore]

But why does this produce this effect in you. Do you have thoughts you will share that always dance alongside the experience?

 

[ScaredofMyself]

Love. All I ever wanted was love.

Id target couples, and be nasty to them whenever possible.

Trying to provoke them into fighting me.

But when that wouldn't work, I'd just assault them.

Id also go after people with good lives. The popular ones, the attractive ones, the smart ones.

They all made me sick just looking at them.

 

[neversickanymore]

Love. All I ever wanted was love.

Very complex and subjective experience... The people I have loved still baffle me sometimes and more often then I like to admit infuriate me. What does it mean to you to be loved. What's love?

Id also go after people with good lives. The popular ones, the attractive ones, the smart ones.

Because you dislike these type pf people or is it more of an antler hunter need to prove or at least be amused type of situation

 

[ScaredofMyself]

Love to me, is simple.

Wanting to be close, caring for each other, not being judged, actually being wanted, and to be the reason someone is happy.

I wouldn't be as fucked as I am now if someone would have loved me.

And yes, I went after those kind of people because I disliked them.

 

[neversickanymore]

Love to me, is simple.

Come on love is anything but simple.. sure big picture simple.. unique little picture it's magic.

Wanting to be close, caring for each other, not being judged, actually being wanted, and to be the reason someone is happy.

Do you hide yourself all the time. If so why?

wouldn't be as fucked as I am now if someone would have loved me.

Hey.. take this its a buck.. pass the buck.. always someone else's responsibility.. confabulations..

And yes, I went after those kind of people because I disliked them.

But to what end what is it all about

 

[ScaredofMyself]

What end?

Its simple.

I was evil.. I didn't have a reason other than that.

Things like breathing, eye color, voice could make me hate someone.

i never had anyone for the majority of my life. Except for one. But not anymore. Because they fucking died because of me. Because I'm a fucking piece of shit.

 

[neversickanymore]

Why do you feel you're responsible for our loved ones death and why do you think your a "piece of shit"

 

[ScaredofMyself]

Because I may not have been loved, but I didn't know how to love anyone either.

He needed me. I turned my back on him. I turned my back on him when he needed me.

And for what?

To go to a stupid fucking rich kid school with people I fucking hated.

I remember the last texts we sent.

"hey wanna hang out "

"no"