They don't know

So, I had dinner tonight with my folks, my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. It wasn't a 'feel good' evening.

I couldn't afford to get my niece and nephew anything shiny and expensive this year. All I could do was get them each a puzzle from the dollar store and I made a little booklet with self-made games, jokes and silly pictures. I was hoping that they would kinda like it but I could see the disappointment and disinterest in their faces. It hurt a little.

Sorry I can't buy you things. Cool Uncle OverDone ain't so cool anymore. I was their favorite uncle but my brother told them that I had a drug problem a few months ago so now... I don't know.

My sister-in-law (and my brother to a lesser extent) look at me in this strange, curious manner. I really feel like I'm being judged and am perceived as a failure in their eyes. I went to rehab, have no job and apparently a bad role model for their kids.

The thing is... I truly feel that I do things for others on a regular basis. I feel I do a lot in an unselfish manner. But who am I? My opinion of my actions is biased.

Ya see, they see a failure and a drug addict. I see a dude who is trying real fucking hard to change. I see a dude who cares about that dude sleepin' on the streets, that person who hasn't eaten, that person who needs a fuckin' shirt. I do what I can for people even when I don't want to.

They don't see me trying to help. They just see a jobless piece of shit who is a drain on the family resources.

I'm not tryin' to pat myself on the back (most days I feel I don't do enough for others) but I NEED to keep shit in some sort of perspective.

They simply just... don't... know. Or maybe its me that doesn't get it.

I guess no one knows

 

Family can be a double-edged sword sometimes. They can be counted on (to an extent, or at least for a while) when nobody else can or will help, but at the same time they remember slights for far longer. When kids are involved, the strangeness is multiplied.

I'd say that it's probably still too soon for them to change the image that they have of you. You know that you're working very hard at improving yourself, but all they see is someone who still isn't working, and for all they know still getting high on the side. Patience. I'm sure that they want to think well of you, but you were addicted for much longer than the time that you've been sober. Next xmas will be better.

As far as the kids, it's a terrible shame, but in most cases (i.e. unless the parents forbid television and instill some heroic values into them) kids are horribly materialistic. If they were a bit older, they might have seen how much love and care went into their homemade gifts, but now they just see that they didn't get Hannah Montana iPods or some such rubbish. It'll take a while to re-build the cool uncle image, but I've no doubt that you'll be able to. Now that you're clean, perhaps you'll be able to spend more time with them, rather than feeling the need (and inadequacy at your inability at the moment to) spend money on them.

As a side note, I didn't know that such a thing as HM iPods existed, and are marketed at kids below 5. Until my little niece got one, and rather than saying hello to everyone at the family gathering, had to show off her new deafness machine heavily branded with the worst possible role model and filled with excreble music. Ugh.

 

Thats wise to market those HM branded iPods. Its ridiculous but I'm certain it has made Apple some HUGE profits.

I have seen Hello Kitty laptops and Hello Kitty mp3 players. I'm glad I don't have kids

 

No. Not wise. Good business sense, sure. Wisdom would have been to take out ad space telling kids to learn to play their own music, rather than listen to some over-marketed talentless spawn of some talentless hack on their over-marketed device.

It makes me fear for the future of 'the west'. I think that stuff like this will wind up with us being truly fucked in the next generation or two.

 

I agree, we are truly fucked. It seems like a steady progression but what do I know, I've only been around for 39 years. I kinda hope nature balances shit out