Their time of reckoning will come. They may be open about it, or they may suffer in silence and put on a brave face. It depends on their personalities. But we all pay the piper one way or the other. The people who put it off the longest, risk the worst breaks. You're doing the sane thing by quitting now and paying your dues.
Very good post.
Scarlett, I can relate to your complaint all too well.
I was a very moderate user of MDMA compared to most, yet I seem to be suffering the full extent of the negative consequences. 'Why me?' is a very easy game to play.
My substantial research has revealed that, just as Cyc says, all will pay the piper.
A large number of people suffering from MDMA simply live with the consequences and fail to report their struggle.
Hence there is an appearance, esp. on BL, that it can be used repeatedly without consequence.
Given the number of people that have contacted me with rather severe complications, I know this to be untrue.
And the culture of ignoring and debating research that suggests neurotoxicity is a dangerous one.
Funny - all the friends I knew that did e back in the late 90s and early 2000s COMPLETELY disagree with the current user's view! They literally say things like - 'I HATE tabs!'.
While I have been known to react quite strongly to those opposing me in Ecstasy Discussion, it is not due to resentment or the 'why me?' game. My greatest concern is for those new to the drug being mislead. There needs to be a strong opposing voice.
Yes, it seems that some people can get away with taking
hundreds of doses before they find out what its like for the rest of us. But clinical research suggests that even most 'heavy' users discontinue within the first 100-200 doses!
It would seem that the others are simply exceptions.
The 'exceptions' parade around ED proclaiming the 'safety' of their favorite drug.
But data cannot be argued with.
Tolerance begins as early as 6 doses, with 'heavy' users often scoring the worst on a measure of serotnergic and cognitive tests - including those given after substantial periods of abstinence.
And a mountain of animal research strongly suggests that even 'moderate' use leads to long-lasting alterations in the 'brain-gut' circuitry that MDMA takes advantage of.
I also find that MOST of the people parading and praising their favorite neurotoxin - are YOUNG.
This is a VERY important factor.
What Cyc is referring to is that EVENTUALLY all drug use catches up to people.
Period.
No exceptions.
After many months of research I stumbled across a finding that I had encountered early on, yet failed to appreciate.
A large number of studies suggest that heavy cannabis users are much more likely to suffer negative consequences from MDMA. An example - "While the extent of MDMA use predicted the cognitive deficit, it is the extent of cannabis use that predicts the psychological deficit."
Imagine my surprise when I put this together...
All along I was convinced that I was somehow a very unfortunate MDMA user, destined to suffer more than I deserved to.
Even to this day, I believe that a high dose of benedryl following MDMA use led to serotonin syndrome.
Yet according to a LOT of data - my daily use of cannabis for about 8 years prior to rolling is a VERY important risk factor.
Without this one factor, the 30 tabs of MDMA I took over 2 years (and even the benedryl) would have been unlikely to land me where I am.
Damn.
All drug users pay the piper, eventually.
No exceptions.
Until you REALLY believe this, you will keep resenting those that appear to get away with it.
You simply lack the experience that teaches you otherwise.
How old are you?
And those you envy?
Experience dictates that ALL people eventually go down-hill.
Even those who refrain from drug and alcohol use entirely - tend to suffer major health consequences as they age.
Only the most healthy eaters and regular exercisers avoid age-related decline, and there is still a time limit.
TIME is the great equalizer Scarlett.
Despite all that I have written, I agree with your primary complaint - there is a range of suffering.
While all people will eventually suffer (as I have argued), some seem to avoid the consequences for longer than others.
It is important to believe that TIME is the great equalizer - for all.
But while YOU are being 'equalized' it seems unfair, doesn't it?
Maybe some DATA will help you.
You mention benzodiazapenes...
*clears throat*
Where do I begin?
First, benzos are considered remarkably safe to use in hospital settings - even when other drugs are involved.
They are appreciated for their lack of interaction with other drugs, as well as a lack of toxicity to bodily organs.
Even in the brain, benzos derive their effects through a novel mechanism that is considered quite 'safe'.
By acting upon the GABA receptors, a BRAIN-WIDE suppression of glutamate is accomplished.
Glutamate is the brain's primary excitatory neurotransmitter. Some glutamate receptors play a critical role in memory formation and recall, but high levels of glutamate can cause serious neurotoxicity.
Gluthianone is the brain's most potent anti-oxidant and it can be 'sprayed' upon neurons by glial cells.
But glutamate cannot be opposed by gluthianone alone - it must be removed.
When glutamate is not properly removed, it exhausts gluthianone and begins to KILL neurons.
By 'exciting' them to such an extent that they DIE from increased metabolic processes.
This is called 'apoptosis'.
The 'safety' of benzos is very ironic.
Due to their novel mechanism, they have been revealed to be VERY dangerous with continued use.
In fact, I remember reading a very alarming study that showed almost 300,000 ER visits in 2008!
While benzos are being used, glutamate levels are constantly increased to compensate.
When the suppression of glutamate is withdrawn, it can cause REAL toxicity.
Read that again - the class of drugs that you are suffering from have resulted in shocking increases in hospitalizations in the last decade. Doctors have been handing out benzos and we are seeing the consequences of this.
Combination with alcohol is considered a big risk factor, as most deaths associated with benzos involve alcohol.
But even when used on its own, benzos are VERY dangerous.
So dangerous that I have found a few of the 'heavy' ecstasy users that agree with my belief.
More than this, looking around TDS this last year has suggested that long-term benzo use is one of the MOST horrible drugs, and its withdrawal/recovery period can be more severe than just about ALL other drugs.
I have read accounts of heavy benzo users that spent YEARS not feeling emotions.
They couldn't even get that angry about it!
All they had was anxiety and emptiness.
I have read LOTS about MDMA recovery, SSRI withdrawal, heroin withdrawal, and even cocaine.
Only heroin and cocaine really compete with benzos in terms of severity.
Heroin users tend to recover a lot of function within the first 2 years, as do MDMA, SSRI, and even METH users.
Heavy coke or crack users tend to recover VERY poorly - with some showing substantial loss of executive function even after 5 years!
While very heavy use of these other drugs can cause this, it is cocaine and BENZOS that stick out as the most likely to produce YEARS of life devoid of emotion and pleasure.
If you are not lying in bed all day, you are doing FAR better than the accounts I have read.
Yes - lots of benzo users recover just fine.
But the presence of the long-term group suggests something very risky is happening.
Acute reactions to benzo withdrawal include severe tachycardia that feels very much like a heart-attack.
This is a major feature of ER visits - people are convinced they are having heart-attacks.
While it is often relabeled 'panic attacks', what is probably occurring is glutamate toxicity to the hypothalamus.
Some have seizures that result in death!
And others have panic attacks for MONTHS.
Again, others feel NO human emotion AT ALL for years.
I hope this DATA helps your understanding of what it happening to you.
It doesn't sound like you have had constant panic attacks or seizures.
So you are very unlikely to suffer like the 'long-term' group.
But it is important for you to understand that BENZOS are VERY dangerous.
Do you feel any differently about how 'unfair' it is to see others function despite their drug use?
People can drink alcohol for decades and still function.
It is not as toxic as many drugs. But it is toxic.
Long-term alcohol use causes brain atrophy, and withdrawal can be VERY dangerous...including lethal seizures.
All drug users pay the damn piper.
TIME makes sure of it.
Scarlett, you are doing fairly well in my opinion.
The emotions you are experiencing are a VERY good sign.
I offer my congratulations that you have stopped using such a risky substance.
It may take several months to fully recover, but it sounds like you will make it.
And years from now, you will observe the effect that drinking has on those around you.
Trust me - once you are in your 30s and 40s, fewer people can work through the hangover.
I know an avid wine drinker that just doesn't feel buzzed anymore - at age 50.
No matter the drug, I always recommend exercise.
The benefits of exercise to a recovering drug-user are unbelievable.
It causes BDNF, a nerve-growth factor to stimulate STEM cell release.
Suppression of STEM cell proliferation, or 'adult neurogenesis' is seen with MANY types of drug use.
And the reversal of this supression is a feature of many types of treatment - from anti-depressants to ECT to exercise.
Work out just 10 minutes a day, 5 days in a row.
Then let us know how you feel.
I don't post often in TDS, so I hope this reaches you.
You are going to be OK.
I promise.
