These are the first four paragraphs of a story I'm writing... What do you guys think?

[Soul Garden]

"Is it what a man does, or doesn't do?" I sit with an old friend conversing sociology and philosophy. "Or is it what a man doesn't do, or does?" He replies. "Don't mind fuck me Strauss..." Strauss is the best damn lad anyone can have around. But, he's known for being a big smartass who gets pleasure out of antagonizing and irritating his fellow Frenchmen. "Is it the mind that fucks you, or is it you who fucks the mind?" He never knows when to quit. I won't be surprised if he's ever found bloodied and battered as a result of his own ignorance. "Is it ignorance that is Strauss, or is it Strauss that is ignorance?" Surely, I thought this would've quieted the man. But, as snappy and agile that the lips of his big flapping, smart ass mouth are, he replies, "Is it Pierre who is ignorant of Strauss, or is it Strauss that is ignorant of Pierre?"



"This conversation lacks any point. Why in the hell do I keep trying?" For once, Strauss replies with an answer that paralyzes me in thought. "Exactly. What is the point? Is there a point in continuation? Does continuation lead to a point? Is it a point that you must keep trying to converse with me, or is that conversing is the point? Is it that you must try, or that you choose to try?" I sit still, staring at my hands and the aged floorboards. "Why do you gawk at the floorboards, Pierre? Is there a point in these floorboards that you see?"


"Stop fucking with me, Strauss..." I'm flabbergasted by his questions of vague. I don't really know what to say at this point. I have, once again, been mind fucked by the one and only, Strauss. "I see Pierre, that you are in deep thought. Is it that there is a point in deep thought, or is it that there is a deep point in thought?" I don't say anything this time. I've been beat by what is either the smart assery, or the genius of Strauss. All of a sudden, I hear the sound of the grandfather clock. It has striked the hour of 9:00 P.M



"It is time that I leave, Strauss. It is getting La-". He cuts me off as I am finishing my sentence. "Is it that there is a point that you leave, or is it that, to leave, is the point?" I pretend that my sense of hearing has not acknowledged the words of confusion. "I will see you by the dawn of tomorrow." I say this to him as I walk back home in the cold winter weather. "Is it that there is a point that I go home, or is it that, to go home, is the point?" The words of Strauss are infectious. The very second I asked this, I knew that for the rest of my life I'd be pondering the purpose of Strauss's vague questioning.

 

[HdoubleODeezy]

I'm making a mental note to myself to read this later.
I'm not a qualified "critic" as im just a lyricist, but I do have a sense for all types of writing.
Let you know what I think later. Skimmed through and looks well written, but will need to read it to understand the story line.

-HOOD

 

[LostThroughSpace]

I like it. You have a nice flow of words. The only thing that I would have liked more is if you added a description of what the two characters look like, but you can still find a way to explain how they look in latter paragraphs or just to incorporate it within the ones you have. Also, with a description maybe put personality traits and body gestures/movements.. For example, Strauss said with a cunning smirk that made Pierre forget about his bald head and peachy cheeks.

 

[neversickanymore]

Have you considered writing it in third-person omniscient as opposed to first person.. I think third person is easier to work with.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think you should keep writing if you are enjoying it.

 

[endotropic]

Have you ever read the play "Waiting for Godot"? That was the vibe I was getting when I read this, and I love that piece!