syd
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 18, 2005
- Messages
- 273
When I was four.
I ran over my Sunday school teacher’s opened toes with my big wheel. I broke the first two on her left foot. She had to wear a cast for over a month. It’s my earliest memory. I did it on purpose.
When I was five.
I learned how to use physical violence to get what I wanted. I began to bully kids and steal their toys.
Got caught shoplifting twice.
When I was six.
My neighbor caught me sneaking out my first floor window and told my parents. I flattened his tires twice and burned his mail every day for over three weeks, then randomly for the next couple of months just for fun.
I told my pregnant babysitter that I hoped her child would be born dead because she wouldn’t let me stay up past my bedtime. I fell asleep to her sobs with a smile on my face. I was a stupid fucking kid. I’m sorry.
When I was seven.
I started a small brush fire that quickly grew out of control. It burned an entire field as well as part of an old man’s meager house. I hid in the woods and laughed as he cried to the firemen.
Stole a pack of cigarettes from my mother. Smoked them all and got sick. I did it again the next night, and the next, and the next.
When I was eight.
I made a younger boy stick a knife in a light socket at school. He was electrocuted and had to stay in the hospital for two days. The power went out in the entire school. I was expelled.
I snuck into a neighbor’s house after his wife had a stroke. I pissed on his tooth brush and ate all their cookies. His wife died. I played with my trucks at her funeral.
When I was nine.
My father bought new storm windows for the house. I filled my pockets with rocks from the driveway and broke them all.
Had first sip of whiskey from my father’s heavy, rattling, glass.
Huffed gasoline for the first time.
Started stealing everything for no reason. I had everything I wanted. I just liked doing it.
When I was ten.
I terrorized a boy at my school because he made fun of a girl I was infatuated with. I pushed him into lockers, I slammed his mouth into the water fountain, I hit him with my book bag. I humiliated him every chance I got. I vandalized his house and car. I made his life miserable for a whole year. I never told him why.
My teacher caught me smoking in the bathroom. I walked four miles to his house in the middle of the night to pour sugar in his gas tank. It ruined the car.
When I was eleven.
I beat a boy so badly there was some question as to whether he would ever fully recover. He wouldn’t let me play his new Martin he got for his birthday two days earlier. I’m sorry Steve. I wish I could take it back.
Got drunk for the first time.
Got sick from drinking for the first time.
Blacked out from drinking for the first time.
When I was twelve.
My "Young Life" consoler caught his daughter giving me a blow job in the church choir room. She did it because I told her God wanted her to. I got banned from "Young Life". She got to repent.
More random, senseless vandalism.
Tired pot and speed for the first time.
Started to cut myself.
When I was thirteen.
I ran away from home for four weeks because my father caught me drinking and tried to talk to me about it. I slept in the woods and anywhere else I could. I never called or let my parents know I was ok. I didn’t eat for days at a time.
Constantly fantasized about dying.
When I was fourteen
I stole my mother’s car, got drunk and wrecked it into a guard rail. When they took me away I cried and called out for her.
Spent first night in jail.
First intervention. A desperate plea from parents to let them help me. I told them they would never see me again if they sent me away.
Tried cocaine for the first time
When I was fifteen.
I stole twelve hundred dollars from the local hardware store where I worked. My dad grew up with the owners and had gotten me the job. They never spoke to him again because he stuck up for me. He believed me.
Started drinking and doing drugs everyday
Physiatrist’s evaluation revealed I wasn’t crazy. I just didn’t care.
When I was sixteen.
I got drunk and destroyed a random man’s car with a baseball bat for no reason at all. When he tried to stop me, I hit him with the bat and ran.
Tried acid for the first time.
Tried mushrooms for the first time.
Sold fake drugs or just ripped kids off to support my habits.
Did as many and as much drugs as possible, at school, at home, anywhere I could. I drank and did drugs everyday. As much as I could, whenever I could.
Started to black out regularly.
When I was seventeen.
I fell down a flight of stairs after huffing Feron out of a plastic bag. Knocked my front two teeth out and cracked a molar. Stuck my parents with a staggering fifty-three hundred dollar dentist bill.
Had unprotected sex with a prostitute. She gave me the clap. I pissed razor blades for weeks before I told anyone. I was so ashamed.
Tired PCP for the first time.
First cocaine induced nose bleed.
First case of alcohol poisoning.
First trip to the emergency room.
When I was eighteen.
I sold baking soda as coke to a gang of black kids. They found me and beat the shit out of me. A broken collar bone and a concussion. I deserved it.
Injected heroin for the first time. It made me sick. I did it two more times that same night.
Two more cases of alcohol poisoning.
One trip to the emergency room after eating a half ounce of mushrooms.
First suicide attempt. I would have succeeded had my sister not come home early from a date to find me in the overflowing bathtub. I wear long sleeves in the summer and trace the scars with my fingers in private everyday. Sorry mom. Sorry dad. It wasn’t your fault.
Second suicide attempt. Pills and booze this time. Woke up in the hospital to my mother’s broken, tear stained face and my father screaming at the doctor. Sorry doesn’t begin to cover it.
Vomited blood for the first time.
Tried crack for the first time.
Tried meth for the first time.
When I was nineteen.
I broke into a close friend’s house after he had shown me where he hid his key. I stole his stash, guns, jewelry and liquor to feed my increasing opiate addiction. Then told him it was another friend of ours and helped him beat the shit out of him.
Another half assed suicide attempt. Tried to blow my heart out with a few hundred dollars worth of crack.
Pissed blood for the first time.
Parents giving up. Sending the odd check now and then.
Got first DUI and pissed myself in the back of the police car. Blew a point three two. A county record.
First court appointed rehab.
Two opiate overdoses.
Stole everything I could from everyone I could.
Blacked out every single night.
When I was twenty.
I fell in love for the first time. It scared the shit out of me. I stole forty-six dollars from her purse and left her in the middle of the night with no explanation. I never saw her again. I’m sorry Jenny. I miss you so fucking much.
Another DUI.
Another stint in rehab.
First assault charge.
More alcohol poisoning
Another overdose
Woke up on the sidewalk with no wallet and no keys and no idea how I got there.
A pathetic attempt to sober up. I lasted a record breaking thirteen and a half days (voluntary).
Countless pleas from friends and family members to stop. I wrote them off one by one.
When I was twenty one.
I got into my first bar fight. I broke a man’s nose with an empty beer bottle and repeatedly kicked him in the genitals until I was pulled off.
Second assault charge.
I forced a girl to do lines off my cock. She was a coke head and I traded my drugs for her body.
Involved in a hit and run accident. Drunk and stoned out of my mind I never even saw him, only felt the sickening thud. Before I even stopped I knew what I had done. I have no idea if he survived. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Regret doesn’t begin to cover it
Constantly had to be told what was happening. I was always confused and rarely knew how I got where I was.
Started pissing and shitting blood regularly.
Vomited at least once a day, every day
When I was twenty-two
I fell in love for a second time. I lost her to an eating disorder six months later. I saw what was happening and did nothing. I mourned her for two days. Then went on a binge I can only recall in flashes.
Tried to quit several times. Never lasted more than four days.
Experienced delirium tremors when I stopped drinking
I was sicker off drugs than on.
An ex girlfriend found me passed out at the bar. She took me home. I pissed on her couch and stole a bottle of gin. I left without saying a word. I never saw her again.
Strangers felt sorry for me and tried to help. I pushed them away too.
When I was twenty-three.
I betrayed more friends and family. I hurt more people who didn’t deserve it. I hurt people who did. I destroyed myself with drugs and alcohol. I took it out on innocent girlfriends and anyone who dared to get close. I hated myself and everyone around me. I don’t know why. There is something wrong with me.
When I was twenty-four.
I sat down and wrote this.
Tonight you found it and reread it. You cried for an hour, got drunk, and then posted it here.
I ran over my Sunday school teacher’s opened toes with my big wheel. I broke the first two on her left foot. She had to wear a cast for over a month. It’s my earliest memory. I did it on purpose.
When I was five.
I learned how to use physical violence to get what I wanted. I began to bully kids and steal their toys.
Got caught shoplifting twice.
When I was six.
My neighbor caught me sneaking out my first floor window and told my parents. I flattened his tires twice and burned his mail every day for over three weeks, then randomly for the next couple of months just for fun.
I told my pregnant babysitter that I hoped her child would be born dead because she wouldn’t let me stay up past my bedtime. I fell asleep to her sobs with a smile on my face. I was a stupid fucking kid. I’m sorry.
When I was seven.
I started a small brush fire that quickly grew out of control. It burned an entire field as well as part of an old man’s meager house. I hid in the woods and laughed as he cried to the firemen.
Stole a pack of cigarettes from my mother. Smoked them all and got sick. I did it again the next night, and the next, and the next.
When I was eight.
I made a younger boy stick a knife in a light socket at school. He was electrocuted and had to stay in the hospital for two days. The power went out in the entire school. I was expelled.
I snuck into a neighbor’s house after his wife had a stroke. I pissed on his tooth brush and ate all their cookies. His wife died. I played with my trucks at her funeral.
When I was nine.
My father bought new storm windows for the house. I filled my pockets with rocks from the driveway and broke them all.
Had first sip of whiskey from my father’s heavy, rattling, glass.
Huffed gasoline for the first time.
Started stealing everything for no reason. I had everything I wanted. I just liked doing it.
When I was ten.
I terrorized a boy at my school because he made fun of a girl I was infatuated with. I pushed him into lockers, I slammed his mouth into the water fountain, I hit him with my book bag. I humiliated him every chance I got. I vandalized his house and car. I made his life miserable for a whole year. I never told him why.
My teacher caught me smoking in the bathroom. I walked four miles to his house in the middle of the night to pour sugar in his gas tank. It ruined the car.
When I was eleven.
I beat a boy so badly there was some question as to whether he would ever fully recover. He wouldn’t let me play his new Martin he got for his birthday two days earlier. I’m sorry Steve. I wish I could take it back.
Got drunk for the first time.
Got sick from drinking for the first time.
Blacked out from drinking for the first time.
When I was twelve.
My "Young Life" consoler caught his daughter giving me a blow job in the church choir room. She did it because I told her God wanted her to. I got banned from "Young Life". She got to repent.
More random, senseless vandalism.
Tired pot and speed for the first time.
Started to cut myself.
When I was thirteen.
I ran away from home for four weeks because my father caught me drinking and tried to talk to me about it. I slept in the woods and anywhere else I could. I never called or let my parents know I was ok. I didn’t eat for days at a time.
Constantly fantasized about dying.
When I was fourteen
I stole my mother’s car, got drunk and wrecked it into a guard rail. When they took me away I cried and called out for her.
Spent first night in jail.
First intervention. A desperate plea from parents to let them help me. I told them they would never see me again if they sent me away.
Tried cocaine for the first time
When I was fifteen.
I stole twelve hundred dollars from the local hardware store where I worked. My dad grew up with the owners and had gotten me the job. They never spoke to him again because he stuck up for me. He believed me.
Started drinking and doing drugs everyday
Physiatrist’s evaluation revealed I wasn’t crazy. I just didn’t care.
When I was sixteen.
I got drunk and destroyed a random man’s car with a baseball bat for no reason at all. When he tried to stop me, I hit him with the bat and ran.
Tried acid for the first time.
Tried mushrooms for the first time.
Sold fake drugs or just ripped kids off to support my habits.
Did as many and as much drugs as possible, at school, at home, anywhere I could. I drank and did drugs everyday. As much as I could, whenever I could.
Started to black out regularly.
When I was seventeen.
I fell down a flight of stairs after huffing Feron out of a plastic bag. Knocked my front two teeth out and cracked a molar. Stuck my parents with a staggering fifty-three hundred dollar dentist bill.
Had unprotected sex with a prostitute. She gave me the clap. I pissed razor blades for weeks before I told anyone. I was so ashamed.
Tired PCP for the first time.
First cocaine induced nose bleed.
First case of alcohol poisoning.
First trip to the emergency room.
When I was eighteen.
I sold baking soda as coke to a gang of black kids. They found me and beat the shit out of me. A broken collar bone and a concussion. I deserved it.
Injected heroin for the first time. It made me sick. I did it two more times that same night.
Two more cases of alcohol poisoning.
One trip to the emergency room after eating a half ounce of mushrooms.
First suicide attempt. I would have succeeded had my sister not come home early from a date to find me in the overflowing bathtub. I wear long sleeves in the summer and trace the scars with my fingers in private everyday. Sorry mom. Sorry dad. It wasn’t your fault.
Second suicide attempt. Pills and booze this time. Woke up in the hospital to my mother’s broken, tear stained face and my father screaming at the doctor. Sorry doesn’t begin to cover it.
Vomited blood for the first time.
Tried crack for the first time.
Tried meth for the first time.
When I was nineteen.
I broke into a close friend’s house after he had shown me where he hid his key. I stole his stash, guns, jewelry and liquor to feed my increasing opiate addiction. Then told him it was another friend of ours and helped him beat the shit out of him.
Another half assed suicide attempt. Tried to blow my heart out with a few hundred dollars worth of crack.
Pissed blood for the first time.
Parents giving up. Sending the odd check now and then.
Got first DUI and pissed myself in the back of the police car. Blew a point three two. A county record.
First court appointed rehab.
Two opiate overdoses.
Stole everything I could from everyone I could.
Blacked out every single night.
When I was twenty.
I fell in love for the first time. It scared the shit out of me. I stole forty-six dollars from her purse and left her in the middle of the night with no explanation. I never saw her again. I’m sorry Jenny. I miss you so fucking much.
Another DUI.
Another stint in rehab.
First assault charge.
More alcohol poisoning
Another overdose
Woke up on the sidewalk with no wallet and no keys and no idea how I got there.
A pathetic attempt to sober up. I lasted a record breaking thirteen and a half days (voluntary).
Countless pleas from friends and family members to stop. I wrote them off one by one.
When I was twenty one.
I got into my first bar fight. I broke a man’s nose with an empty beer bottle and repeatedly kicked him in the genitals until I was pulled off.
Second assault charge.
I forced a girl to do lines off my cock. She was a coke head and I traded my drugs for her body.
Involved in a hit and run accident. Drunk and stoned out of my mind I never even saw him, only felt the sickening thud. Before I even stopped I knew what I had done. I have no idea if he survived. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Regret doesn’t begin to cover it
Constantly had to be told what was happening. I was always confused and rarely knew how I got where I was.
Started pissing and shitting blood regularly.
Vomited at least once a day, every day
When I was twenty-two
I fell in love for a second time. I lost her to an eating disorder six months later. I saw what was happening and did nothing. I mourned her for two days. Then went on a binge I can only recall in flashes.
Tried to quit several times. Never lasted more than four days.
Experienced delirium tremors when I stopped drinking
I was sicker off drugs than on.
An ex girlfriend found me passed out at the bar. She took me home. I pissed on her couch and stole a bottle of gin. I left without saying a word. I never saw her again.
Strangers felt sorry for me and tried to help. I pushed them away too.
When I was twenty-three.
I betrayed more friends and family. I hurt more people who didn’t deserve it. I hurt people who did. I destroyed myself with drugs and alcohol. I took it out on innocent girlfriends and anyone who dared to get close. I hated myself and everyone around me. I don’t know why. There is something wrong with me.
When I was twenty-four.
I sat down and wrote this.
Tonight you found it and reread it. You cried for an hour, got drunk, and then posted it here.
