There is something seriously wrong with me.. (confessions and karma)

[Dudeonacid]

Hello bluelight. Im sure some of you remember me and Im fully aware that i have a terrible reputation on this sight particularly in the dark side sub forum... So this is kind of a confession as well as a cry for help.

Im just going to come straight forward and say it. I trolled this forum. There is no 2 ways about it. i thought it would be funny and posted some bullshit for shits and giggles because i know im going to get called out on it now that im back and i realize there is a strong possibility that none of you will take me seriously which i will understand and will appropriately back off and take my story to another forum i suppose but to anyone who has any advice it would be very appreciated.

Maybe it's karma but A LOT of shit has went down the past few months. I took 900mgs of DXM and was unable to piss for 3 days, First the day after the experience I Had to go to the hospital and get a catheter in, got sent home that night because i was fairly coherent and convinced them i was not trying to kill myself I just wanted to use it recreationally. They sent me home that night, I slept it off, woke up in the morning and realized i still couldnt piss on my own. yup, back to the emergency room, got the catheter shoved up me once again (still sore from previous night ) and I passed out when receiving a kidney x ray so they kept me for 4 days to do more testing to ensure that i was fine. Went home 4 days later with my bladder and everything else back to normal but i received that 6k hospital bill today...jesus christ... Anyways thats mainly a rant of a very painful experience.

to the main point...

I have been abusing diphenhydramine for about a year, slowly increasing my dose every few weeks by 25-50mgs. I am currently at 575mgs. I honestly do enjoy the recreational effects to some extent even though the high can be very unpleasant. I am becoming very concerned about both my mental and physical health. I DO have an addictive personality but this really isnt right. I must have some sort of depression because it isnt normal to go and get a box of benadryl every other night just to have that odd escape. I truly think it is some underlying feeling that I just want to get away from reality for a bit and I really do look forward to dosing that night. This is not good. That covers my mental concerns but this MUST be doing some sort of physical damage right? I have noticed my short term memory can be very fuzzy but then again i have not taken a long enough break to have an absence from the effects. Im mostly concerned about brain damage, kidney damage and liver damage. If ANYONE has any clue if this is going to be a problem I would very much appreciate any advice or personal experiences. Taking a shit load of pills every night even though they are benadryl...will my liver just suddenly fail on me one night from the constant strain on it from the pills?

I am extremely concerned. It took a while but i really want to get my life on track and im finally giving in to my suspections of having addiction. to fuckin benadryl. What sucks is most people hate it and never want to try it again but im one of the rare cases that will continue to take it just to have that mindset change. I am on probation so i cant go and take anything i will get tested for. Shit really hasnt been good I am just very concerned about my overall health due to this habit. I have done VERY extensive research on every aspect of diphenhydramine and still have not come up with any sure fire conclusions. I NEED to know the risks involved in order to stop. I just cant bring my self to straight up stop. Honestly i just need some motivation. Can this shit kill me? what are the dangers of long term use. I really didnt think i would be coming back to this forum but I am seriously becoming very concerned. Someone please scare me out of this shit. But also be honest.

I apologize for the innapropriate behavior i exhibited on this forum in the past. I have many other questions about other things but this post is already long as it is.

I plan to become much more active on this forum and hopefully benefit the forum in some ways. Thank you so much for reading this much. Im coming up on 575 mgs right now and i do feel that annoying unpleasant restfullness and once im in full blown delerium I often wish i didnt take all those pills and just lay in bed waiting to come down so i can get to sleep. ANY ideas on why i keep doing this? Ive said so many times "this is my last trip" "ill quit tomorrow" even though deep inside its not true. From rehab Last summer I learned that the first step of treating addiction is to acknowledge it. I would talk to friends and family but they just dont understand it would be so hard to explain abusing ANTI HISTAMINES regularly.

So I admitted to myself I clealy have an addiction/depency to this and i just need to get my story out there and hope i can get some convincing replys.

Thanks in advance

 

[aussie101]

@dudeonacid "There is something seriously wrong with" you if you are required to go to emergency and get a catheter inserted into your penis, on two occasions no less.

Perhaps this "karma" is your minds way of telling yourself that you need to pull your head in.

There are many models on "addiction"/dependence/being a junkie - what ever you want to call it.

Take comfort in the fact that you do not have a "hard drug" addiction. Quitting diphenhydramine should be a "walk in the park" imo

 

[ad lib]

Have you considered tapering from the diphenhydramine? That can help decrease the chance of any withdrawal/"discontinuation" effects.

 

[Dudeonacid]

Hey man thanks for the reply. I want to. Honestly i really dont think there will be many huge withdrawal symptons like aussie said its nothing compared to a full force addiction so normally it shouldnt be so hard to quit. I Just dont fucking want to. Im like well theres no proof im destroying my brain or my liver it must be ok even though i know damn well its not okay. I just keep taking it. I have an emptyness on the inside now because ive been to rehab ive been through a lot but im getting so low again. No other way to say it but I just need that escape. I feel so upset on the inside but my impulsiveness is getting the best of me and I push those thoughts out of my head :/

edit: im also very worried of this shit causing some sort of pyschosis or HPPD from reading erowid reports there are a few people who got permanent effects from recreational use of this drug. Like a sense of derealization or hearing voices constantly.im still young with a growing brain and body so i need to get this under control some how or another.

Biggest concern is brain damage or learning incapibilities if thats a logical side effect?

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Dudeonacid.. manning up as well as apologizing to the DS and BL.. it sounds like you have a decent addiction to benadryl.. please don't take this lightly because you perceive it as an over the counter drug, remember alcohol and gold paint are sold over the counter and addictions to them destroy peoples lives and can easily kill them just like almost all substance abuse addictions. It seems like you have reached a point where you are at least aware that you have a decent size habit/problem/addiction to deal with. way to have the courage to come forward. The first step to getting out of a hole is to stop digging, or in other words don't make your problem any worse, or in some more words, you need to stop taking the drug, your DOC for the moment, benadryl. You are going to need to taper off. Here are some links with information on addiction as well as effects of benadryl abuse, there are serious side effects to this. Please begin to fight your way out of this. You will need to find your way out of the jungle just like any other addict. Very best of luck, you can do it

http://www.ehow.com/about_5095177_longterm-side-effects-benadryl.html

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/archive/index.php/t-504319.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diphenhydramine

http://www.dependency.net/learn/antipsychotic/

Common Side Effects
Diphenhydramine is known to cause a variety of side effects that do not necessarily require medical attention. Most of these will go away as your body adjusts to the medication. Notify your doctor if any of the following symptoms are severe or persistent: sedation, drowsiness, dizziness, disturbed coordination, increased chest congestion, dry mouth, nose and throat, headache, muscle weakness, excitability, nervousness, loss of appetite, constipation, vomiting and nausea.

Dryness of the mouth, nose and throat may increase the occurrence of tooth decay, gum disease and fungal infections. Use sugarless candy or gum, or suck on ice chips for temporary relief if dryness persists. Talk to your doctor if this continues for more than two weeks.

Serious Side Effects
There are more serious side effects that need to be discussed with your doctor if you have been taking Benadryl for a prolonged period of time. Diphenhydramine may cause low blood pressure, palpitations, increased heart rate, confusion, nervousness, irritability, blurred vision, double vision, painful and difficulty urinating and tremors. If you experience any of these symptoms, contact your doctor immediately.

Long-Term Side Effects of Benadryl on the Brain
Older people taking products with diphenhydramine such as Benadryl may be increasing their risk for coginitive impairment, e.g., delirium, slowed thinking, Alzheimer's, etc. Dr. Malaz Boustani published findings in the May 2009 online issue of the ''Journal of Clinical Interventions in Aging'' that indicate Benadryl, as a molecule that blocks the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, interrupts the normal functioning of the central and peripheral nervous systems. Dr. Boustani also noted that the effects of Benadryl are cumulative, so the more you consume, the more of an effect this will have on the nervous system and cognition.

Chemical Dependence
Patients can easily become dependent on antihistamine medications. They should not be taken for more than a few weeks without being under the care of a doctor. Resistance is also built up quickly, so they are no longer effective if taken regularly for prolonged periods of time.

Warning
Since Benadryl controls nausea and vomiting, it may mask symptoms of gastro-intestinal problems, appendicitis or overdoes caused by other medicines. Make sure that your doctor knows you have been taking Benadryl when trying to diagnose any of these conditions.

While Benadryl relieves symptoms of various conditions, it does not treat the root cause of the symptoms or speed the recovery process. Do not use antihistamines for more than approximately ten days or more than two or three times a year without consulting a doctor. Sedatives, tranquilizers and alcohol may increase drowsiness when taken in combination with Benadryl. Be careful when driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery while taking Benadryl. Benadryl has been shown to build tolerance against its sedation effectiveness quickly, with placebo-like results after the third day of dosage. Finally, taking more than the recommended dosage may cause liver damage.



Read more: Long-Term Side Effects of Benadryl | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_5095177_longterm-side-effects-benadryl.html#ixzz2NTxv1OuhDr. Michael Questell answered:
What are the long term effects of take massive am outs of benadryl to help with sleep at night? I've been taking 500 to 800 mg doses every night.
Taper off!
You have likely become habituated to this medication. Putting multiple times recommended amounts of any substance or chemical is to be discouraged. There have been reports of overdoses with respiratory depression and hallucinations at high doses of Benadryl. Your body will process what it can, store what it can't until you reach a toxic level. That level is different for everyone.

EDIT: after looking more benadryl/antipsychotics do not produce addiction.. but they do produce dependency.. so what you need to do is to taper yourself off starting now.. you will experience physical withdraws but once you are done with those you will not have an addiction. in other words as soon as your brain chemistry adjusts back to normal, from the state that your high intake/abuse has caused, you should feel fine. Just because a medication is over the counter does not mean that it is "safe" to take excessive amounts. Please take this as the good lesson it is and thank the stars you hadn't abused something that is addicting.. because with something that is addicting the physical withdraws are just the start of the battle.. you would then have to begin to battle the addiction or the powerful compulsive drive to use. You may have won humility as well as a big lesson at a little price. Very best wishes!!

 

[ad lib]

Hey man thanks for the reply. I want to. Honestly i really dont think there will be many huge withdrawal symptons like aussie said its nothing compared to a full force addiction so normally it shouldnt be so hard to quit. I Just dont fucking want to. Im like well theres no proof im destroying my brain or my liver it must be ok even though i know damn well its not okay. I just keep taking it. I have an emptyness on the inside now because ive been to rehab ive been through a lot but im getting so low again. No other way to say it but I just need that escape. I feel so upset on the inside but my impulsiveness is getting the best of me and I push those thoughts out of my head :/

edit: im also very worried of this shit causing some sort of pyschosis or HPPD from reading erowid reports there are a few people who got permanent effects from recreational use of this drug. Like a sense of derealization or hearing voices constantly.im still young with a growing brain and body so i need to get this under control some how or another.

Biggest concern is brain damage or learning incapibilities if thats a logical side effect?

I had the same feelings as you did when I was addicted to opiates. I didn't want to get clean, but deep down I knew I had to. Not only was I using my DOC for my physical pain, but I was using it to dull my emotional pain as well. Once you're able to separate yourself from the pleasant feelings associated by taking the drug, you will be able to recover much sooner. I separated my addicted life from my non addicted life. It was 2+ years that I lost to my addiction and it just makes me sad. Why do people take drugs? In short- to feel good. They fill a void inside of us.

I'm not sure if this can cause psychosis, but the links provided by neversickanymore seem like they have a bunch of great info! (I didn't get a chance to look at them right now). However, depersonalization and hallucinations is a side effect from diphenhydramine abuse, no? I may be mistaken but I'm pretty certain I read that somewhere. It is just a drug that I am not too familiar with.

Have you began your taper yet?

 

[dopemaster]

maybe you got anxiety or sleep issues or something. if i were you id taper down and if that didnt work try switching out with something like non-addictive(ie. marijuana) for a bit. benadryl in large doses cannot be good for you. im no doctor but if i was a betting man id say a small drinking problem would be healthier.