Hey guys,
Not the place i wanted to be typing right now, but i think its sort of a first step into acceptance and shit,
So to summarise my life,
I have always been a bit different, not your stereotypical guy (sensitive natured), suffered alot of night terrors/ fits of rage when a child, began drawing strange pictures aged 9 (also become a vegetarian because of my ideas about animals and such),
My parents were junkies, i will put it straight, dads still on methadone now, mum got off it when i was younger aroud 7 years of age through the linctus (bless her)
My brother is on the autistic spectrum, with aspergers syndrome diagnosed aged around 4-5 years old (didnt speak until around that time), he is introvereted, a very kind generous person but also very selfish and lacks some of the traits of the norm society expects, he loves manga and arcade games, and is up there with the best in the country (well around my area in manchester ect) , he suffers anxiety badly and depression and doesnt live with us anymore and i dont see him often (we had a stange friendship as children/teens.
Well to follow on the story i was always put to the back of things, like you gotta understand about jasons problems ect my mum would say, i was pretty much a brainy guy in school, even had some confindence and was pretty popular (though i would have my outburts like ur average teen just a little more so than others)
I began smoking weed around aged 13-14, was more out of curiosity than anything, yano being young wanting to try the unknown (i had tried alcohol was a funny but needless to say dangorous drug)
i found it suddenly helped me focus on things, like i could sit and do homework without distractions and stuff, it also gave me a laid back character, something i was not really known for ..
didnt take anything else until about 15 when i had mushrooms, they were fun but a bit scary, didnt have a massive dose, was funny though and give me more curiosity about drugs..
Hit 17 and i am in sixth form college studying all kinds of things (psychology, english language , sports science, biology) this is when i found the joys of drugs, ordered some legally fresh mushrooms online and they opened up my world, in a way i wont forget,
i went on to try mdma, amt, 2cb, 2c-i, all the lovely psychs i wont forget (apart from 2ct-7 snorted never do that!!!) i go on to drop out of college way before my use of mdma (through the need for money, wasnt prepared to study ect) then things like gbl ket mxe entererd my life in another way i wont forget!
So fast forward 13 years later and here i am, I was recently and finally diagnosed with aspergers syndrome ( i was in disbelief i was a social guy i had gf's and stuff i wasnt like my brother how could this be?), im 26 and im hooked on benzos, etiz to be precise, or anything else around (clonaz /diaz/temaz)
Currently taking almost 6-8 mg a day... i wont lie life is hell!
My things with realtionships have never spelled well, i have wasted over 12 years of my life on girls that i was fucked about by, i mean hurt mentally to the point i couldnt have contact with them anymore,
I am a sensitive guy who enjoys the finer things in life, i wont lie i loved my phycs and still do but my condition and addiction wont allow me as much with them,
My last realationship was with a beautiful girl (looks wise) she was very caring too once you got to know her, but i didnt give her enough attention she tells me, she used to sit in alot where she lives with her grandad and gradma and was moved out of her mums from a young age and left school at 14, she was basically what lads would of called a "slag" aged from 12 till 20 when she stopped her ways "she said" after getting out of a 3 year relataionship with a lad she cheated all over and openly admitted it. I believed her obviously and would do anything for her, mainly coming to pick her up when drunk and in a legless state in my local town next to me, she was very cold aswell as caring , its strange, she definitely has problems but i dont know what, its like she has these dead eyes, but when u look at the blue in them they are so beautiful and enchanting
i become pretty bad on the etiz we were both making each other really anxious like i would wake up anxious and she wouldnt see it and wud do things like bring up girls that are friends with me ect when im in these states. just be like gotten to the point where we begun not talking, not going out, not having sex, i wasnt violent towards her but there was definitely times we had a voliatile relationship as you would call it, i knew straight away this was bad... then i find out she was playing me about somewhat for the first few months about a year and a half down the line whioch got the signs going, i wont lie i got drunk one night and messaged a lass through fb (cringe) cant even remember doing it but i told her about it the next day and i quit ethanol to this day.. think thats where things went fucked (or it was from the get go)..
She would check my phone ect, i wouldnt bother checking hers as i was growing older and learning that if shje was doing it then it was her choice i would find out, but a part of me wanted to find out the real her, i remember getting into her fb when she left it logged on my ipad, messages to her ex, deleted messages to guys, ect.. i was pretty shocked, but at the same time i got with a girl with a history and begun not trusting me
we jsut got on worse and worse, she would constantly make sure i was not with anyone else even though i was mainly in bed anxious or playin poker but we didnt see each other because we argued too much, i agree to go see her new years eve at her grans house, i go down have and she is drunk (im stoned , tired ect but wanted to see what she had to say) she just pretended like nothing was up and kept asking if i wanted a drink, i said no i dont like ethanol anymore, we ended up having sex and i wake up at 5am with her phone lying next to me,
she was telling another guy 30 minutes after i had sex with her she loved him, i just upped and left, she tried stopping me cause she was coming back from the bathroom (she must of woke me up as she gotten up to go)
anyway i leave and say i am too upset she denies it says she was just drunk but deleted the whole conversation that had obviously been going on for months,
3 months later she was still making sure i wasnt with anyone, one night she rings my parents house whilst i am playing poker drunk, i was really tried, ended up taking my etiz and told her to speak to me in the morning when she was sober, come out of my etiz coma and texts phone calls off her ect saying she outside, i get in touch with a friend of hers, she is at a lads sniffing plant food (the stuff round here is disguting) i was shocked but she tried lying but they guy come out and said she was there, she rings me sunday night/monday morning like nothing was up, i suspected something,
so she suddenly wantysto see me , the monday night i go down she has this smug look on her face, im puzzled, she says come in ect, i was like ***** (wont put her name) u do know i have come for a chat, she like yeah come in,
im justpuzzled, what did she want to see me so badly for? i really wanted answers, but i got none , other than more suspicions..
week later i log into her email address ( i know its stupid of me) nut gmail is shitty when u know what her first pets name is ! anyways i got into her fb, the night she went to that guys house she met another guy, my "mate" was fucking her all week, we wasnt even together but fuck it killed me, stuff like they had slept in a back street together all that sunday afternoon drinking vodka ooo classy(guys not a mate more of a guy i considered ok but he was a scottish lad who loved his drink i knew through a mate and stuff) then after i meet her on the monday she was telling him not to tell me about us liiterally ten minutes before i get to hers, he was like sure babe ect, they went to a hotel on the wednesday night (obviously for sex) so when she woke up on the sunday morning i asked her about this all she was like no why do you think this, i was like my mate told me, she denied it until i say check ur fb, she went mental, begun with threats, blackmail, police and stuff but i was hurt and betratyed, she wouuld message all girls warning them away from me yet doing this at the same time!?!?!?!
she finally says fuck you when i troll her fb page and tell her she is a fucking slut bag to which i regret but fuck her ! to do that is just fucking cruel! i seen the proof, i dont care we wasnt together we were on this understanding that we was gonna give it one last go but really i knew deepdown it was going to end, just didnt have the heart to tell her to do leave me alone (plus i wouldnt, she wouldnt until this outburst)
My last relationship was completely different but again i was cheated on (we actually had a loving relationship), seems i have a bad understanding of relationships thing is i do attract some women, but the way im living right now needs to change or i am gonna be dead soon.
my childhood dogs basically been diagnosed with cancer, they have given him a steroid injection but he is not picking up, its killing me cause he closest thing to me more than anyone (and never was unloyal)
its killing my mum, he is 13 and i know its only a dog but its killing me knowing he going to be gone soon cant hack it dads being made to take urine test for dvla because he is on 160mg of methadone a day injectables a day and is the family is in meltdown, mum was suffering with ulcer on the leg and it became swollen which also caused my anxiety to rise
So my plan is to get to the gym and cut down on etiz and the weed, but my usage it sky high, i dont know where to begin, i play poker long hours and went to back to my degan ways lost like $6k and then won it back over a night, dont even have that kind of money to lose tbh, well i do but barely
anyone that knows me knows i am a skilled tourament player, but i use cash games as a way of self harm sometimes, and the fact its a thrill, i dont do much mdma and etiz barely touches me anymore :/
here i am, single, addicted to etiz, diagnosed with aspergers, with some skill but alot of problems, i need to see light at the end of this tunnel .
I dont even know if i will keep this thread up, im so low right now i dont know where to begin..
Took me so long to write this my backs killing, hope everyone is hanging in there! im great at giving advice but just shit at taking or giving it to myself
love going out to all you guys out there
Not the place i wanted to be typing right now, but i think its sort of a first step into acceptance and shit,
So to summarise my life,
I have always been a bit different, not your stereotypical guy (sensitive natured), suffered alot of night terrors/ fits of rage when a child, began drawing strange pictures aged 9 (also become a vegetarian because of my ideas about animals and such),
My parents were junkies, i will put it straight, dads still on methadone now, mum got off it when i was younger aroud 7 years of age through the linctus (bless her)
My brother is on the autistic spectrum, with aspergers syndrome diagnosed aged around 4-5 years old (didnt speak until around that time), he is introvereted, a very kind generous person but also very selfish and lacks some of the traits of the norm society expects, he loves manga and arcade games, and is up there with the best in the country (well around my area in manchester ect) , he suffers anxiety badly and depression and doesnt live with us anymore and i dont see him often (we had a stange friendship as children/teens.
Well to follow on the story i was always put to the back of things, like you gotta understand about jasons problems ect my mum would say, i was pretty much a brainy guy in school, even had some confindence and was pretty popular (though i would have my outburts like ur average teen just a little more so than others)
I began smoking weed around aged 13-14, was more out of curiosity than anything, yano being young wanting to try the unknown (i had tried alcohol was a funny but needless to say dangorous drug)
i found it suddenly helped me focus on things, like i could sit and do homework without distractions and stuff, it also gave me a laid back character, something i was not really known for ..
didnt take anything else until about 15 when i had mushrooms, they were fun but a bit scary, didnt have a massive dose, was funny though and give me more curiosity about drugs..
Hit 17 and i am in sixth form college studying all kinds of things (psychology, english language , sports science, biology) this is when i found the joys of drugs, ordered some legally fresh mushrooms online and they opened up my world, in a way i wont forget,
i went on to try mdma, amt, 2cb, 2c-i, all the lovely psychs i wont forget (apart from 2ct-7 snorted never do that!!!) i go on to drop out of college way before my use of mdma (through the need for money, wasnt prepared to study ect) then things like gbl ket mxe entererd my life in another way i wont forget!
So fast forward 13 years later and here i am, I was recently and finally diagnosed with aspergers syndrome ( i was in disbelief i was a social guy i had gf's and stuff i wasnt like my brother how could this be?), im 26 and im hooked on benzos, etiz to be precise, or anything else around (clonaz /diaz/temaz)
Currently taking almost 6-8 mg a day... i wont lie life is hell!
My things with realtionships have never spelled well, i have wasted over 12 years of my life on girls that i was fucked about by, i mean hurt mentally to the point i couldnt have contact with them anymore,
I am a sensitive guy who enjoys the finer things in life, i wont lie i loved my phycs and still do but my condition and addiction wont allow me as much with them,
My last realationship was with a beautiful girl (looks wise) she was very caring too once you got to know her, but i didnt give her enough attention she tells me, she used to sit in alot where she lives with her grandad and gradma and was moved out of her mums from a young age and left school at 14, she was basically what lads would of called a "slag" aged from 12 till 20 when she stopped her ways "she said" after getting out of a 3 year relataionship with a lad she cheated all over and openly admitted it. I believed her obviously and would do anything for her, mainly coming to pick her up when drunk and in a legless state in my local town next to me, she was very cold aswell as caring , its strange, she definitely has problems but i dont know what, its like she has these dead eyes, but when u look at the blue in them they are so beautiful and enchanting
i become pretty bad on the etiz we were both making each other really anxious like i would wake up anxious and she wouldnt see it and wud do things like bring up girls that are friends with me ect when im in these states. just be like gotten to the point where we begun not talking, not going out, not having sex, i wasnt violent towards her but there was definitely times we had a voliatile relationship as you would call it, i knew straight away this was bad... then i find out she was playing me about somewhat for the first few months about a year and a half down the line whioch got the signs going, i wont lie i got drunk one night and messaged a lass through fb (cringe) cant even remember doing it but i told her about it the next day and i quit ethanol to this day.. think thats where things went fucked (or it was from the get go)..
She would check my phone ect, i wouldnt bother checking hers as i was growing older and learning that if shje was doing it then it was her choice i would find out, but a part of me wanted to find out the real her, i remember getting into her fb when she left it logged on my ipad, messages to her ex, deleted messages to guys, ect.. i was pretty shocked, but at the same time i got with a girl with a history and begun not trusting me
we jsut got on worse and worse, she would constantly make sure i was not with anyone else even though i was mainly in bed anxious or playin poker but we didnt see each other because we argued too much, i agree to go see her new years eve at her grans house, i go down have and she is drunk (im stoned , tired ect but wanted to see what she had to say) she just pretended like nothing was up and kept asking if i wanted a drink, i said no i dont like ethanol anymore, we ended up having sex and i wake up at 5am with her phone lying next to me,
she was telling another guy 30 minutes after i had sex with her she loved him, i just upped and left, she tried stopping me cause she was coming back from the bathroom (she must of woke me up as she gotten up to go)
anyway i leave and say i am too upset she denies it says she was just drunk but deleted the whole conversation that had obviously been going on for months,
3 months later she was still making sure i wasnt with anyone, one night she rings my parents house whilst i am playing poker drunk, i was really tried, ended up taking my etiz and told her to speak to me in the morning when she was sober, come out of my etiz coma and texts phone calls off her ect saying she outside, i get in touch with a friend of hers, she is at a lads sniffing plant food (the stuff round here is disguting) i was shocked but she tried lying but they guy come out and said she was there, she rings me sunday night/monday morning like nothing was up, i suspected something,
so she suddenly wantysto see me , the monday night i go down she has this smug look on her face, im puzzled, she says come in ect, i was like ***** (wont put her name) u do know i have come for a chat, she like yeah come in,
im justpuzzled, what did she want to see me so badly for? i really wanted answers, but i got none , other than more suspicions..
week later i log into her email address ( i know its stupid of me) nut gmail is shitty when u know what her first pets name is ! anyways i got into her fb, the night she went to that guys house she met another guy, my "mate" was fucking her all week, we wasnt even together but fuck it killed me, stuff like they had slept in a back street together all that sunday afternoon drinking vodka ooo classy(guys not a mate more of a guy i considered ok but he was a scottish lad who loved his drink i knew through a mate and stuff) then after i meet her on the monday she was telling him not to tell me about us liiterally ten minutes before i get to hers, he was like sure babe ect, they went to a hotel on the wednesday night (obviously for sex) so when she woke up on the sunday morning i asked her about this all she was like no why do you think this, i was like my mate told me, she denied it until i say check ur fb, she went mental, begun with threats, blackmail, police and stuff but i was hurt and betratyed, she wouuld message all girls warning them away from me yet doing this at the same time!?!?!?!
she finally says fuck you when i troll her fb page and tell her she is a fucking slut bag to which i regret but fuck her ! to do that is just fucking cruel! i seen the proof, i dont care we wasnt together we were on this understanding that we was gonna give it one last go but really i knew deepdown it was going to end, just didnt have the heart to tell her to do leave me alone (plus i wouldnt, she wouldnt until this outburst)
My last relationship was completely different but again i was cheated on (we actually had a loving relationship), seems i have a bad understanding of relationships
thing is i do attract some women, but the way im living right now needs to change or i am gonna be dead soon. my childhood dogs basically been diagnosed with cancer, they have given him a steroid injection but he is not picking up, its killing me cause he closest thing to me more than anyone (and never was unloyal)
its killing my mum, he is 13 and i know its only a dog but its killing me knowing he going to be gone soon
cant hack it dads being made to take urine test for dvla because he is on 160mg of methadone a day injectables a day and is the family is in meltdown, mum was suffering with ulcer on the leg and it became swollen which also caused my anxiety to riseSo my plan is to get to the gym and cut down on etiz and the weed, but my usage it sky high, i dont know where to begin, i play poker long hours and went to back to my degan ways lost like $6k and then won it back over a night, dont even have that kind of money to lose tbh, well i do but barely
anyone that knows me knows i am a skilled tourament player, but i use cash games as a way of self harm sometimes, and the fact its a thrill, i dont do much mdma and etiz barely touches me anymore :/
here i am, single, addicted to etiz, diagnosed with aspergers, with some skill but alot of problems, i need to see light at the end of this tunnel .
I dont even know if i will keep this thread up, im so low right now i dont know where to begin
..Took me so long to write this my backs killing, hope everyone is hanging in there! im great at giving advice but just shit at taking or giving it to myself
love going out to all you guys out there
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")