I have this feeling that I cant shake that im on a path that is not meant for me. I know that college is not for me with every fiber of my being but at the same time im scared to stop because I have it good right now. My parents fully support me I have food and weed money I have a credit card they pay for life is pretty sweet. But I feel so empty I keep looking for something to fill the void something besides dope but cant seem to find anything. I find myself sinking into this grey depression I isolate myself from everybody and just surf the net and play video games. I see all these people around me at school and they are so happy having the time of there life no doubt but not me I wish I didnt know what I know.
Now I have been depressed all my life I know that I have clinical depression but I refuse to get on SSRIs the pharmacology behind them is far to suspect and the recent studys have shown what I always assumed its a placebo. I have a great therapist that I am good friends with but I feel like I have hit a wall with the talk therapy I just end up rambling in circles about shit that is not going to change. It really all comes down to choice do I want to die or do I want to live? My answer often changes a part of me wants to get back on heroin and ride it for everything its worth as long as possible. A different part wants one last big rush before turning the lights out a one off suicide thing. Finally my rational self wants a good job and a college degree so that I can support my drug habit while living a life.
Now astute readers will notice that no part of me wants off completly and that is not lost on me I know where this road ends I just cant decide how I want to get there. I keep thinking that time will heal this but it really doesnt it just makes the monkey stronger and more desperate. I dunno what to do anymore I find myself feeling real hypocritical on this site giving advice in TDS about how people should quit when in reality I want to jump back on. Its fucked and im fucked and everyone who cares about me is fucked. Damn
Now I have been depressed all my life I know that I have clinical depression but I refuse to get on SSRIs the pharmacology behind them is far to suspect and the recent studys have shown what I always assumed its a placebo. I have a great therapist that I am good friends with but I feel like I have hit a wall with the talk therapy I just end up rambling in circles about shit that is not going to change. It really all comes down to choice do I want to die or do I want to live? My answer often changes a part of me wants to get back on heroin and ride it for everything its worth as long as possible. A different part wants one last big rush before turning the lights out a one off suicide thing. Finally my rational self wants a good job and a college degree so that I can support my drug habit while living a life.
Now astute readers will notice that no part of me wants off completly and that is not lost on me I know where this road ends I just cant decide how I want to get there. I keep thinking that time will heal this but it really doesnt it just makes the monkey stronger and more desperate. I dunno what to do anymore I find myself feeling real hypocritical on this site giving advice in TDS about how people should quit when in reality I want to jump back on. Its fucked and im fucked and everyone who cares about me is fucked. Damn
