the wretched whore who severed ties.

[undead]

disclaimer: this is not about me! hehehe. my poor friend and his girlfriend broke up after 2 and a half years, then she acted real shitty and came to our work with her NEW boyfriend (after being broken up for less than 2 weeks) who she cheated on her ex (my friend) with. that was COLD as ice! so i was inspired to cheer him up with a little poem. =)

hidden in her tear drops is a hint of poison
in every word she speaks hides a little pain
and she can tell you a hundred times that shes ok
but anyone can see its driving her insane
her failed attempts at making him sad
can only be seen as self absorbant and weak
she puts forth an effort like a whore on a street corner
sweating bullets and shivering every time she speaks
compensating for her inability to be strong
she grasps hold of the first sign of love she can
soon enough the gun will be pointed in her direction
when she finds that all he wants is a cumrag and a strangers hand
blood will be spilled in her name
happiness will be turned to shame
every pointed finger will attempt to shed the blame
but after every fuck she'll feel the same

just like a dirty whore.

 

[up all night]

Maybe calling her a dirty whore is taking things a bit far but I do think he would appreciate the fact you took the time to write this. And I think a lot of the things you wrote are probably right.

eg

in every word she speaks hides a little pain
and she can tell you a hundred times that shes ok
but anyone can see its driving her insane

and

she grasps hold of the first sign of love she can

 

[wesmdow]

hidden in her tear drops is a hint of poison
in every word she speaks hides a little pain
and she can tell you a hundred times that shes ok
but anyone can see its driving her insane
her failed attempts at making him sad
can only be seen as self absorbant and weak

i think this half needs some sort of revision.. this half of the poem is not nearly so "strong" as the second.. maybe you should consider removing it even. the second half stands well alone in my opinion.

she puts forth an effort like a whore on a street corner
sweating bullets and shivering every time she speaks
compensating for her inability to be strong
she grasps hold of the first sign of love she can
soon enough the gun will be pointed in her direction
when she finds that all he wants is a cumrag and a strangers hand
blood will be spilled in her name
happiness will be turned to shame
every pointed finger will attempt to shed the blame
but after every fuck she'll feel the same

just like a dirty whore.

this, on the other hand, strikes me as very powerful--it conveys to me the emotion (i believe) you were trying to express.

i am reminded of my first love.

 

[up all night]

haha I think tonight has perfectly demonstrated the difference between female and male expression.

 

[undead]

up all night: yeah... its not exactly the nicest thing to say about her, but i really am impartial to her, i dont know her really. i used it to convey the strength of the feeling. the purpose of the poem was to lift his spirits... not to spit on her. so in that i succeeded =) hehehe.

wesmdow: your words are taken into consideration. thank you for the constructive criticism. i can definately see what you mean too. i actually kind of thought that the tone changed in that exact spot too, but i thought maybe it was just me. =) thanks!

 

[Raz]

Personally I think the first half works as well as the second, it's just not as harsh....which is good though, cause it means the hard-hitting nature of it towards the end kind of winded me because I wasn't expecting it so much..

I really like the forcefulness of this piece..