Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR
Bluelighter
The words I can never say.
“Why do you love him?”
SO many times people in my life have asked me this question… or one like it. So many time I have stayed silent, giving them a “drop it” look, or just saying “a lot of reasons”. After that question hits me, the reasons all swell up in my head, and I think about them, they make me smile, the make me happy, they make me love you more. But why can’t I share this? Am I scared to look vulnerable? Scared that the power of the words leaving my lips will make me cry? Embarrassed that I actually do care about someone? Cause I’m trying to stay hard… not soft and mushy-(the way he makes me feel)? Cause I don't want to seem blinded by him, his love, my feelings?
I really can’t remember liking you before you told me you loved me.
I admired you. Completely. Your courage for enlisting in the military, something I could never fathom having the guts to do. Your drive to never give up, to push for what you wanted to do… to prove you were somebody. You should know you are more than 'just somebody'.
Every letter more heartfelt then the one before it. Sharing your true feelings with me, sharing your secrets, your life. Trusting in me, confiding in me… writing me even when you didn’t have time or permission, just to say “hi”, just to *do* me playfully at the end of each letter. Every one made me smile, some made me hurt for you.
Your talent, it takes me to places I can’t explain. I had been secretly following your life through posts of poems and stories. Never saying anything, you may not even know I still have most of your work on my computer, and I still read it all the time. Then you started drawing to me. Sending me pictures, drawing me. Your visions of me being beautiful and perfect, when I knew I was FAR from it. You never doubted my beauty, even at my worst.
Your love, for a lot of things. They way you talk about your passions in life, your goals, what makes you happy. They way you talk about your family, and those close to you. I hope they realize how lucky they truly are.
Your voice, the first time we spoke. So happy, so energetic, so full of life. You were excited to talk to me, I felt like I couldn’t say enough. Intelligent, you can tell immediately by talking to you, that you are so smart. They way talking to you made me forget everything around me, made me smile when I felt like dying.
Your laugh, it's beautiful. So rarely heard, but i am so proud to be the person to cause it. No feeling beats the feeling i get seeing you happy.
When you said you loved me. There was no reason, completely out of the blue, those words escaped your lips, and then mine. “I love you too”, I’ve never replied to anyone like that before, I didn’t think about it, I didn’t feel strange, and I knew it was true. I think it took me about 2 days to realize it happened.
Your pride/ego. You were scared to tell me you were attracted to me. I’ll never forget the words. “I’m sorry I really didn’t want to freak you out.” I wasn’t freaked, I was scared. I fell so insignificant, and worthless, and… why me?
The months it took us to finally consider ourselves a couple. Was there even an official date?
The valentine. The time you took, the words you wrote, the detail, the unfinished part…
The way you touch me, the way you kissed me, the fear I felt. I have never been more scared. The only thing keeping me from freaking out that weekend was they way you looked at me, every time. The fear was still there, but your eyes made everything seem so nonexistent. My throat still knots up when I think about it.
The way I feel that you are just as scared as me. And the way that helps me work on “us”.
Your smile, and how it makes me cry.
Your smell, and the shirt I still haven’t washed because it still smells like you.
You. Your height, perfect for holding you close and looking into your eyes. Your eyes, the perfect almond shape, and dark mysterious brown color. Your lips, your teeth, your smile. Your hands, delicate and small, they way you can tell, just by looking at them, that you are an artist. Even if you do chew your fingers to no end! Your strength, and they way you lift me when you hug me.
The confidence you show, even when you aren’t so sure.
The little things you say that make me feel whole. They way you defend me, and threaten any man moving in on your property. They way you will fight for me, without looking or sounding like a jealous insecure fool. The way you assure me that everything will be okay.
They way you admit when you are wrong. And even the way you hide things from me, you know will hurt me… even if that’s not what I want.
They way I don’t *have* to talk to you everyday, to feel that you are thinking about me. They way my heart jumps when I do talk to you.
The way you inspire me.
They way you’ve impressed my mom, already. And even the ways you piss her off.
Because you weren’t too proud to come back to me.
These are the words, I can never say.
“How could you take him back, after what he did to you!?”
So many times I have heard that this week. My only answer… “I’m not being blind, I’m being optimistic.”
Yeah I may be stupid & in love… but to me
You are worth the risk.
These are the words I will always stand by.
[ 09 August 2002: Message edited by: Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR ]
“Why do you love him?”
SO many times people in my life have asked me this question… or one like it. So many time I have stayed silent, giving them a “drop it” look, or just saying “a lot of reasons”. After that question hits me, the reasons all swell up in my head, and I think about them, they make me smile, the make me happy, they make me love you more. But why can’t I share this? Am I scared to look vulnerable? Scared that the power of the words leaving my lips will make me cry? Embarrassed that I actually do care about someone? Cause I’m trying to stay hard… not soft and mushy-(the way he makes me feel)? Cause I don't want to seem blinded by him, his love, my feelings?
I really can’t remember liking you before you told me you loved me.
I admired you. Completely. Your courage for enlisting in the military, something I could never fathom having the guts to do. Your drive to never give up, to push for what you wanted to do… to prove you were somebody. You should know you are more than 'just somebody'.
Every letter more heartfelt then the one before it. Sharing your true feelings with me, sharing your secrets, your life. Trusting in me, confiding in me… writing me even when you didn’t have time or permission, just to say “hi”, just to *do* me playfully at the end of each letter. Every one made me smile, some made me hurt for you.
Your talent, it takes me to places I can’t explain. I had been secretly following your life through posts of poems and stories. Never saying anything, you may not even know I still have most of your work on my computer, and I still read it all the time. Then you started drawing to me. Sending me pictures, drawing me. Your visions of me being beautiful and perfect, when I knew I was FAR from it. You never doubted my beauty, even at my worst.
Your love, for a lot of things. They way you talk about your passions in life, your goals, what makes you happy. They way you talk about your family, and those close to you. I hope they realize how lucky they truly are.
Your voice, the first time we spoke. So happy, so energetic, so full of life. You were excited to talk to me, I felt like I couldn’t say enough. Intelligent, you can tell immediately by talking to you, that you are so smart. They way talking to you made me forget everything around me, made me smile when I felt like dying.
Your laugh, it's beautiful. So rarely heard, but i am so proud to be the person to cause it. No feeling beats the feeling i get seeing you happy.
When you said you loved me. There was no reason, completely out of the blue, those words escaped your lips, and then mine. “I love you too”, I’ve never replied to anyone like that before, I didn’t think about it, I didn’t feel strange, and I knew it was true. I think it took me about 2 days to realize it happened.
Your pride/ego. You were scared to tell me you were attracted to me. I’ll never forget the words. “I’m sorry I really didn’t want to freak you out.” I wasn’t freaked, I was scared. I fell so insignificant, and worthless, and… why me?
The months it took us to finally consider ourselves a couple. Was there even an official date?
The valentine. The time you took, the words you wrote, the detail, the unfinished part…
The way you touch me, the way you kissed me, the fear I felt. I have never been more scared. The only thing keeping me from freaking out that weekend was they way you looked at me, every time. The fear was still there, but your eyes made everything seem so nonexistent. My throat still knots up when I think about it.
The way I feel that you are just as scared as me. And the way that helps me work on “us”.
Your smile, and how it makes me cry.
Your smell, and the shirt I still haven’t washed because it still smells like you.
You. Your height, perfect for holding you close and looking into your eyes. Your eyes, the perfect almond shape, and dark mysterious brown color. Your lips, your teeth, your smile. Your hands, delicate and small, they way you can tell, just by looking at them, that you are an artist. Even if you do chew your fingers to no end! Your strength, and they way you lift me when you hug me.
The confidence you show, even when you aren’t so sure.
The little things you say that make me feel whole. They way you defend me, and threaten any man moving in on your property. They way you will fight for me, without looking or sounding like a jealous insecure fool. The way you assure me that everything will be okay.
They way you admit when you are wrong. And even the way you hide things from me, you know will hurt me… even if that’s not what I want.
They way I don’t *have* to talk to you everyday, to feel that you are thinking about me. They way my heart jumps when I do talk to you.
The way you inspire me.
They way you’ve impressed my mom, already. And even the ways you piss her off.
Because you weren’t too proud to come back to me.
These are the words, I can never say.
“How could you take him back, after what he did to you!?”
So many times I have heard that this week. My only answer… “I’m not being blind, I’m being optimistic.”
Yeah I may be stupid & in love… but to me
You are worth the risk.
These are the words I will always stand by.
[ 09 August 2002: Message edited by: Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR ]
