Samadhi
Bluelight Crew
This was written when i was 16.
I was sorting through some old boxes and found it. It's probably not the greatest piece of writing that i will ever do, but it was at a time in my life when i was making alot of realisations about my past. Also about my family, friends, me...and where we all fit into the big picture. For me, the emotions are quite raw, well... raw for a 16 year old. I've laid to rest the demons i have written about here, but it still upsets me that children all over the world have to go through any kind of mental or physical pain.
It's something that i want to share with you, feel free to comment
The Well.
Do I know how I fell?
Yes I do.
Things no little girl should endure,
Things no little girl should experience;
But I learnt to withdraw;
Tear aside the fabric of reality
I had created my own private world.
I would wander aimlessly
Oblivious to the plunder of my dreams-
The pillage of my innocence.
Drinking in imagined lands
Explosions of every colour imaginable
Things that a little girl would find pretty;
wildflowers
ponies
elves
fairies
rainbows
...but no other people. None.
People wouldn’t do, because people bruised, wounded.
People betrayed, by not noticing...not opening their eyes.
Not opening their eyes...or perhaps, refusing to see what was blindingly obvious?
Kittens would wrap their little bodies round my ankles...
I was loving and being loved in the way I was supposed to...not the way I was being made to "love".
As I got older, the colours in my world changed, grew as my body did...grew as my shame did.
Grew as my hate did.
It became less consuming... too easy to be brought back. Now my imagination was betraying me.
The pain was always waiting... an old friend.
Then one day, during an escape to my secret world, I saw a well.
It appeared out of nowhere, but somehow I knew it had always been there.
I would lay my face on the cold stones... numbing my face;
Numbing my mind. Everything else was gone.
The well became my world, I was done with puppies, kittens and flowers.
I’d climb onto the edge and walk around... peer into its depths.
The moist, dank smell was somehow comforting.
Everything dark, like closed eyes. Closed mind.
It happened out of the blue.
The pain was just too much... it was breaking through;
Too deep, too thorough. I could taste it...metallic and sour.
I jumped into the well.
The water was tepid, crystal clear.
Drowned the pain. A baptism.
I closed my eyes
and sighed.
And stayed.
As years went by
Once clear water became murky
choked with weeds.
Weeds of pain, anger, disillusionment.
I would look up, and think that I may try to escape.
I tried to climb, but the smooth walls that were so cool and comforting became a prison.
I couldn't hold on, I kept slipping.
The opening looked so, so far away. Just a tiny pinprick of light.
I couldn’t comprehend all the sunshine...
Did I even remember what sunshine was?
I would cry and cry and cry and cry
then there were no more tears.
What I didn’t know - what 13 year old would?
is that what was once so inviting
held me captive.
People thought I had no emotions
It was inside that I was screaming till my soul was hoarse.
The water had left a coating on my skin
Nothing could penetrate.
Over the years, soul searching and beginnings of forgiveness replaced anger, shame and guilt.
I imagined a rope hanging into the well.
Learning to trust the strength in me, I willed myself to grab on for dear life,
For Life... MY life.
I pulled myself up.
It was a hard, with setbacks. The rope thinned in parts, almost rotten in others, but became stronger and stronger.
I found that when almost at the top, there were people
People in my world!
These were real people; people who I loved and trusted. People who, in spite of myself, I had let in.
They held their hands out to me, and I held on tight and climbed out.
Every so often, I find myself looking down into that well. It is so tempting to think that I could jump back in.
...and every so often, I can feel the coating on my skin... but it's only thin now.
.. and getting thinner every day.
I was sorting through some old boxes and found it. It's probably not the greatest piece of writing that i will ever do, but it was at a time in my life when i was making alot of realisations about my past. Also about my family, friends, me...and where we all fit into the big picture. For me, the emotions are quite raw, well... raw for a 16 year old. I've laid to rest the demons i have written about here, but it still upsets me that children all over the world have to go through any kind of mental or physical pain.
It's something that i want to share with you, feel free to comment
The Well.
Do I know how I fell?
Yes I do.
Things no little girl should endure,
Things no little girl should experience;
But I learnt to withdraw;
Tear aside the fabric of reality
I had created my own private world.
I would wander aimlessly
Oblivious to the plunder of my dreams-
The pillage of my innocence.
Drinking in imagined lands
Explosions of every colour imaginable
Things that a little girl would find pretty;
wildflowers
ponies
elves
fairies
rainbows
...but no other people. None.
People wouldn’t do, because people bruised, wounded.
People betrayed, by not noticing...not opening their eyes.
Not opening their eyes...or perhaps, refusing to see what was blindingly obvious?
Kittens would wrap their little bodies round my ankles...
I was loving and being loved in the way I was supposed to...not the way I was being made to "love".
As I got older, the colours in my world changed, grew as my body did...grew as my shame did.
Grew as my hate did.
It became less consuming... too easy to be brought back. Now my imagination was betraying me.
The pain was always waiting... an old friend.
Then one day, during an escape to my secret world, I saw a well.
It appeared out of nowhere, but somehow I knew it had always been there.
I would lay my face on the cold stones... numbing my face;
Numbing my mind. Everything else was gone.
The well became my world, I was done with puppies, kittens and flowers.
I’d climb onto the edge and walk around... peer into its depths.
The moist, dank smell was somehow comforting.
Everything dark, like closed eyes. Closed mind.
It happened out of the blue.
The pain was just too much... it was breaking through;
Too deep, too thorough. I could taste it...metallic and sour.
I jumped into the well.
The water was tepid, crystal clear.
Drowned the pain. A baptism.
I closed my eyes
and sighed.
And stayed.
As years went by
Once clear water became murky
choked with weeds.
Weeds of pain, anger, disillusionment.
I would look up, and think that I may try to escape.
I tried to climb, but the smooth walls that were so cool and comforting became a prison.
I couldn't hold on, I kept slipping.
The opening looked so, so far away. Just a tiny pinprick of light.
I couldn’t comprehend all the sunshine...
Did I even remember what sunshine was?
I would cry and cry and cry and cry
then there were no more tears.
What I didn’t know - what 13 year old would?
is that what was once so inviting
held me captive.
People thought I had no emotions
It was inside that I was screaming till my soul was hoarse.
The water had left a coating on my skin
Nothing could penetrate.
Over the years, soul searching and beginnings of forgiveness replaced anger, shame and guilt.
I imagined a rope hanging into the well.
Learning to trust the strength in me, I willed myself to grab on for dear life,
For Life... MY life.
I pulled myself up.
It was a hard, with setbacks. The rope thinned in parts, almost rotten in others, but became stronger and stronger.
I found that when almost at the top, there were people
People in my world!
These were real people; people who I loved and trusted. People who, in spite of myself, I had let in.
They held their hands out to me, and I held on tight and climbed out.
Every so often, I find myself looking down into that well. It is so tempting to think that I could jump back in.
...and every so often, I can feel the coating on my skin... but it's only thin now.
.. and getting thinner every day.
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