I have come to a place where I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm alone all day every day with my one and a half year old grandson. I wonder why I don't have a job anymore. I wonder why I have never been able to find work. I wonder how I'm going to make myself useful. I know there are opportunities to volunteer. My daughter can't afford daycare, and it is good for me to be with my baby grandson all day. With the economy or at least my economy refusing to bounce back, at least I get to spend my days believing in magic.
But to what end? I need some direction. I've done everything and nothing satisfies. I have been in religions, and I don't NOT believe in Jesus. Or Buddha. I've done drugs. They take money anyway and those days are over. I'm lucky to have a few grams to smoke now and then. (I am attending the 420 festival this year. I'm very excited.) I got my degree. I taught school. I bought a house. It was all very exciting. None of it really rooted in me. Don't cue that fucking U2 song. I get it. I'm not really looking for anything but I haven't found it either.
I write. That's what I do. And now I do it for my grandchildren. Because life is hard, and maybe they will need some comfort. I want to do that with my life now.
I watched Mortified Nation on Netflix tonight, and it was like I had died and gone to heaven. yea, cue the blind melon. no rain indeed.
I have journals. I am surprised to see that I am approaching 5000 posts here, plus some blogs, but I write too. I have ALWAYS written. I remember being frightened because my fifth grade teacher started to cry when she was reading a story I turned in. My fear turned to pride when she complimented me, and sent me home with a lovely note to my parents.
I have lost or burned more of my writing than I have left. But I have plenty left.
Not that I EVER thought it mattered in the slightest. But it does matter. Mortified Nation is my nation.
I belong there.
I'm in.
But to what end? I need some direction. I've done everything and nothing satisfies. I have been in religions, and I don't NOT believe in Jesus. Or Buddha. I've done drugs. They take money anyway and those days are over. I'm lucky to have a few grams to smoke now and then. (I am attending the 420 festival this year. I'm very excited.) I got my degree. I taught school. I bought a house. It was all very exciting. None of it really rooted in me. Don't cue that fucking U2 song. I get it. I'm not really looking for anything but I haven't found it either.
I write. That's what I do. And now I do it for my grandchildren. Because life is hard, and maybe they will need some comfort. I want to do that with my life now.
I watched Mortified Nation on Netflix tonight, and it was like I had died and gone to heaven. yea, cue the blind melon. no rain indeed.
I have journals. I am surprised to see that I am approaching 5000 posts here, plus some blogs, but I write too. I have ALWAYS written. I remember being frightened because my fifth grade teacher started to cry when she was reading a story I turned in. My fear turned to pride when she complimented me, and sent me home with a lovely note to my parents.
I have lost or burned more of my writing than I have left. But I have plenty left.
Not that I EVER thought it mattered in the slightest. But it does matter. Mortified Nation is my nation.
I belong there.
I'm in.
