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Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

Carl Landrover said:
I'm so alone
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I wrote this on May 16th, 2015. It's message #45 on this thread.

The somewhat ironic thing is I'm even more alone now than I was then, but in different ways. I don't get lonely anymore because that's an effect methadone has on me. I'm on a methadone maintenance program. I feel like people would initially think it's good not to feel lonely, but the reason I don't feel lonely is because (for me) opiates kill the desire to be social. Whatever is inside of people that makes them want to be around and engage with other people is quashed inside of me by opiates. Opiates also alter my sense of humor. I feel like people think I'm crazy when I say things like that. Except that I am an observant person and I noticed while on opiates I don't laugh as much, I take jokes way more personally, and overall I'm not as funny. This is especially devastating for me since I felt this was one of the better parts of my personality. Humor can ease situations providing comic relief, make someone feel relaxed, make someone feel good, and it makes you feel good to make someone else laugh. I'm not saying I was a comedian or the most hilarious person, but having such a fundamental part of yourself be so altered is difficult.

I'm not going to keep going on and on, but I first realized this when I was first getting off of suboxone years ago. Was on it for 14months during 2006-2007. I was on it for a year and then spent the last two months tapering from 2mg to 0. As I was dropping the dose and getting close to 0 it was all coming back. I hadn't even realized how much my personality had been dulled so much. I had one of my best friends make a comment about how he could tell I was using because I was more "subdued" than normal. When I finally got off suboxone at the middle of December 2007 my life got exponentially better. I had gotten my best GPA that semester, I started traveling and going out again, I went to Hawaii, I got in a serious relationship for the first time... it was one of the best periods of my life. Of course drugs eventually ruined that as well.

Maybe it's naive to think I'd have such a meteoric rise again in my personally life if I'm ever able to get off methadone. Until then I'm in a personality prison of my own making. I've lowered to 90mg, and am still so far away. I lost the entire middle and end of my 20s and beginning of my 30s to heroin. I'm losing my mid thirties to methadone and covid19 (being asthmatic makes the virus more dangerous for me). I'm hoping that once I get off of methadone, if I ever do, the person I expect to be there will still be there.


Just venting. Thank you.
 
Carl Landrover said:
I wrote this on May 16th, 2015. It's message #45 on this thread.

The somewhat ironic thing is I'm even more alone now than I was then, but in different ways. I don't get lonely anymore because that's an effect methadone has on me. I'm on a methadone maintenance program. I feel like people would initially think it's good not to feel lonely, but the reason I don't feel lonely is because (for me) opiates kill the desire to be social. Whatever is inside of people that makes them want to be around and engage with other people is quashed inside of me by opiates. Opiates also alter my sense of humor. I feel like people think I'm crazy when I say things like that. Except that I am an observant person and I noticed while on opiates I don't laugh as much, I take jokes way more personally, and overall I'm not as funny. This is especially devastating for me since I felt this was one of the better parts of my personality. Humor can ease situations providing comic relief, make someone feel relaxed, make someone feel good, and it makes you feel good to make someone else laugh. I'm not saying I was a comedian or the most hilarious person, but having such a fundamental part of yourself be so altered is difficult.

I'm not going to keep going on and on, but I first realized this when I was first getting off of suboxone years ago. Was on it for 14months during 2006-2007. I was on it for a year and then spent the last two months tapering from 2mg to 0. As I was dropping the dose and getting close to 0 it was all coming back. I hadn't even realized how much my personality had been dulled so much. I had one of my best friends make a comment about how he could tell I was using because I was more "subdued" than normal. When I finally got off suboxone at the middle of December 2007 my life got exponentially better. I had gotten my best GPA that semester, I started traveling and going out again, I went to Hawaii, I got in a serious relationship for the first time... it was one of the best periods of my life. Of course drugs eventually ruined that as well.

Maybe it's naive to think I'd have such a meteoric rise again in my personally life if I'm ever able to get off methadone. Until then I'm in a personality prison of my own making. I've lowered to 90mg, and am still so far away. I lost the entire middle and end of my 20s and beginning of my 30s to heroin. I'm losing my mid thirties to methadone and covid19 (being asthmatic makes the virus more dangerous for me). I'm hoping that once I get off of methadone, if I ever do, the person I expect to be there will still be there.


Just venting. Thank you.
Click to expand...
I’ve been thinking about getting off of suboxone for reasons very closely aligned with what you said here. I’m ok but I’m not myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether the suboxone may be making my depression a little worse And my personality watered down, So to speak. Thank you for sharing this.
 
Carl Landrover said:
I wrote this on May 16th, 2015. It's message #45 on this thread.

The somewhat ironic thing is I'm even more alone now than I was then, but in different ways. I don't get lonely anymore because that's an effect methadone has on me. I'm on a methadone maintenance program. I feel like people would initially think it's good not to feel lonely, but the reason I don't feel lonely is because (for me) opiates kill the desire to be social. Whatever is inside of people that makes them want to be around and engage with other people is quashed inside of me by opiates. Opiates also alter my sense of humor. I feel like people think I'm crazy when I say things like that. Except that I am an observant person and I noticed while on opiates I don't laugh as much, I take jokes way more personally, and overall I'm not as funny. This is especially devastating for me since I felt this was one of the better parts of my personality. Humor can ease situations providing comic relief, make someone feel relaxed, make someone feel good, and it makes you feel good to make someone else laugh. I'm not saying I was a comedian or the most hilarious person, but having such a fundamental part of yourself be so altered is difficult.

I'm not going to keep going on and on, but I first realized this when I was first getting off of suboxone years ago. Was on it for 14months during 2006-2007. I was on it for a year and then spent the last two months tapering from 2mg to 0. As I was dropping the dose and getting close to 0 it was all coming back. I hadn't even realized how much my personality had been dulled so much. I had one of my best friends make a comment about how he could tell I was using because I was more "subdued" than normal. When I finally got off suboxone at the middle of December 2007 my life got exponentially better. I had gotten my best GPA that semester, I started traveling and going out again, I went to Hawaii, I got in a serious relationship for the first time... it was one of the best periods of my life. Of course drugs eventually ruined that as well.

Maybe it's naive to think I'd have such a meteoric rise again in my personally life if I'm ever able to get off methadone. Until then I'm in a personality prison of my own making. I've lowered to 90mg, and am still so far away. I lost the entire middle and end of my 20s and beginning of my 30s to heroin. I'm losing my mid thirties to methadone and covid19 (being asthmatic makes the virus more dangerous for me). I'm hoping that once I get off of methadone, if I ever do, the person I expect to be there will still be there.


Just venting. Thank you.
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R19 said:
I’ve been thinking about getting off of suboxone for reasons very closely aligned with what you said here. I’m ok but I’m not myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether the suboxone may be making my depression a little worse And my personality watered down, So to speak. Thank you for sharing this.
Click to expand...

I made it.. eight + years at this point. You guys are so right.
 
Right this might sound strange, but I don't know if its normal?

Do you ever get thoughts, obviously not do it, but say at a train station think "I could easily push that person in front of the train how busy it is and it will look like they fell" etc? I remember when I was younger for no reason a similar thought come into my head, someone was writing at their desk and I just smashed their face into the table twice and it broke their nose.

Is this normal, does everyone feel things like this or not?
 
UK Warrior said:
Right this might sound strange, but I don't know if its normal?

Do you ever get thoughts, obviously not do it, but say at a train station think "I could easily push that person in front of the train how busy it is and it will look like they fell" etc? I remember when I was younger for no reason a similar thought come into my head, someone was writing at their desk and I just smashed their face into the table twice and it broke their nose.

Is this normal, does everyone feel things like this or not?
Click to expand...
Yes I believe it is fairly normal. There is a term for it that I can't remember right now. But something like, you're driving down the road and the thought comes into your head that you could just turn the wheel and wreck something. It's happened to me before.
 
deficiT said:
Yes I believe it is fairly normal. There is a term for it that I can't remember right now. But something like, you're driving down the road and the thought comes into your head that you could just turn the wheel and wreck something. It's happened to me before.
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I always thought I may have been wrong for thinking that. I am glad to know its not, and I did only act out once when I was younger at school with the table incident.

It's strange as well as I am not a violent person.

At the moment I am thinking I might be better not here though. I need help with my alcoholism. No one seems to want to help me get into detox. I have my dog Judy laying next to me, and my mum sitting across on the armchair watching TV. Maybe if I went over somewhere not indoors it will be better for them?
 
UK Warrior said:
I always thought I may have been wrong for thinking that. I am glad to know its not, and I did only act out once when I was younger at school with the table incident.

It's strange as well as I am not a violent person.

At the moment I am thinking I might be better not here though. I need help with my alcoholism. No one seems to want to help me get into detox. I have my dog Judy laying next to me, and my mum sitting across on the armchair watching TV. Maybe if I went over somewhere not indoors it will be better for them?
Click to expand...
Just remember, you are not your thoughts. Sometimes we think horrible things or great things, but they are only thoughts and like everything else, they are temporary.

Maybe practicing meditation and/or prayer would help you control your thoughts better?
 
deficiT said:
Just remember, you are not your thoughts. Sometimes we think horrible things or great things, but they are only thoughts and like everything else, they are temporary.

Maybe practicing meditation and/or prayer would help you control your thoughts better?
Click to expand...
I have never tried but I am open to anything if it might help me.

All the best, Conan.
 
UK Warrior said:
Right this might sound strange, but I don't know if its normal?

Do you ever get thoughts, obviously not do it, but say at a train station think "I could easily push that person in front of the train how busy it is and it will look like they fell" etc? I remember when I was younger for no reason a similar thought come into my head, someone was writing at their desk and I just smashed their face into the table twice and it broke their nose.

Is this normal, does everyone feel things like this or not?
Click to expand...
That's interesting to hear you say that. I haven't had violent thoughts per se, but every time in the past that I've gotten clean, I would become more social. I can remember during so many conversations, especially if they were going well, I would suddenly think to myself, "what would happen if I just threw my drink in his/her face right now?". I think there were a few more similar type of thoughts but it would just instantly pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. I had never had that type of thought before. I wasn't going to act on it, but the curiosity was real.
 
The asshats from the Criminal Intelligence Agency crashed my computer. They fucked the orientation and blocked fixes. Hey fucktards I just scooped new golf clubs and a four diamond hotel on the magnificent mile after paying bills. I’ll be hanging with that hottie soon and have kept all my relationships and friends. Guess your resigned to resonating my sneakers and other such fails. I got your whole game plan, such as it is and crashing my computer won’t prevent it from getting written. Pathetic and torture is disgusting so you are a disgrace and failure. Nice look
 
Carl Landrover said:
That's interesting to hear you say that. I haven't had violent thoughts per se, but every time in the past that I've gotten clean, I would become more social. I can remember during so many conversations, especially if they were going well, I would suddenly think to myself, "what would happen if I just threw my drink in his/her face right now?". I think there were a few more similar type of thoughts but it would just instantly pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. I had never had that type of thought before. I wasn't going to act on it, but the curiosity was real.
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Thats actually strange you mention when being clean, I feel I become less social but my friends say I am still the same so it must all be in my head! Also I think I have only had thoughts like that when completely sober, unless someone has been rude to me.
I would also never act on them, but you do think genuinely what would happen if I did that? From throwing a drink in someones face, pushing their head into a table, or the train thing.
I am not violent and hate fights, so it is strange.
 
Have a dentist appointment today. Getting some work done to the teeth. Mainly just filling cavities and correcting my front-upper teeth.
It always gives me anxiety, just the sound of drills, and the feeling of them chipping away fucking sucks.

Just another part of being an adult I guess.
 
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