Have you ever considered doing hypnosis for that? I think it is a good application for changing habits.
I have not considered that, and wouldn't even know how to go about finding someone who specializes in such a thing. Any ideas?
I wanted to make a post here because I've officially been clean over a year (I don't know the exact date but it was sometime in April that I got my first whole year of sobriety) and everything has been going great. I am still shooting my buprenorphine, but I have lowered my dosage since then. I was shooting about 16mg/day and now I'm down to 8-12mg/day.
HOWEVER, Yesterday I was on the darknet looking for something non-opiate related, and right there on the front page were offers for heroin. This is nothing new. I was searching for something similar on the darknet back in december 2017 and saw plenty of heroin for sale while navigating to what I was looking for, and it didn't phase me at all. But yesterday, out of curiosity when I saw those heroin offers for sale I started looking into it more to see what the prices/quality was like. Read some reviews from different vendors blah blah....but then all of a sudden I got the urge. For the first time since getting sober over 13 months ago I thought it would be nice to try out some high quality, non-black tar dope. And that addict inside me completely took over and made a small order for a half g of dope.
It bugged me all night but I was still super excited to get it in my hands. I logged onto the same place this morning and I had a message in my inbox that read "invalid key, couldn't read your message" from the person I had ordered the dope from, and they had canceled my order because they couldn't open my message I sent with the details of my order. I'm not sure wtf happened because I know I didn't make any mistakes on my end when sending the message, but I ignored the sign and went ahead and placed the order AGAIN. 5 minutes goes by and my inner voice had been screaming since I initially read the message "THIS IS A SIGN. DO NOT FUCKING BUY THIS SHIT AND COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS" but the addict in me still kept trying to quiet that thought. I distract myself for another 15 minutes or so and then I snapped out of it and logged back on there and canceled my order before the seller could accept it.
This was the closest call I've had since getting clean. Even last night when I envisioned myself getting the dope next week, I played out this scenario in my head about just keeping the dope in my lockbox just to know it was there if I ever needed it, or getting it as a test for myself to see if I could hold it in my hands, smell it, and flush it down the toilet to see how much will power I had, but I knew I would probably just use it as soon as I got it. I wanted to get on here and post this, write it down for others to see so that way it's technically not a secret that I'm holding within myself. Posting this on here makes me feel a degree of accountability to those of you who were so generous and helpful when I was first getting clean last year. This was beyond a momentary lapse in judgment and I don't know if it was divine intervention that the vendor was unable to read my message or what, but whatever happened I'm glad it did because these last couple days I've been having a very, very strong urge to use again, and I haven't felt that way AT ALL since I first got clean in April 2017. I'm not sure what's going on, or why this is happening to me after doing so good this past year but the craving has come back with a vengeance, trying to convince myself that I can use just one more time for old times sake. I'm not sure what's going on with my head but I want it to go away so bad because I've turned my life around completely and life has never been better than it is right now. I have so many things to live for right now, which I haven't been able to say in a long time. I can't imagine why these urges are storming the gates of my mind after everything that's happened. I thought I was safe from this. I thought that part of my life was behind me. I was so confident and even cocky about never having the urge to use dope since getting clean...until yesterday. I guess we're never safe, which is an important lesson I suppose. I just hope I learn from it