Seeing so many of these has made me want to start one of my own. Hopefully I can look back on this digital diary one day and smile and be proud of the success I make from here on out. My basic story is out there in other posts but to sum up: Started eating hydrocodone at age 15, snorting Oxycodone at age 16, and was shooting heroin by age 18. I'm 25 years old now. During those 10 years I was able to stop using once for a short time. I made it about 4-5 months on suboxone when I was (I think) 21 years old. The last 10 years are pretty hard to remember for obvious reasons. Remembering dates of events, even memorable ones, is nearly impossible. So after getting on suboxone for 4-5 months, I relapsed and was on heroin again until sometime in April 2017. Never did see the reasoning in keeping a clean date. Feels like that would set me up for failure. I had been wanting to get clean for awhile but I work and go to school and it just felt like there was never a good time. So finally I realized no matter what was going on there was never going to be an opportune time to quit heroin, so I said fuck it and called into work for a week and stopped going to school.
When I initially quit using this most recent time I wasn't planning on getting on bupe, but after a week had passed of using no opiates at all, I was still feeling like shit and unable to attend school or go to work, so I ended up getting on bupe. The school semester was almost done and I was doing good up to the point I stopped going and didn't want the whole semester to be a waste. Would have been a lot of time and money down the drain. And I didn't want to tell my boss what I was going through so I didn't want to keep calling in to work and end up losing my job. I've been on subutex for around 5 months now, so this is the longest I've ever been clean since I started using opiates 10 years ago. I have no desire to get high on opiates or use heroin again, but the needle addiction is still going strong, so all of my bupe use has been IV. When I'm bored I use it compulsively and will use around 12mg a day. This ends up fucking me because I don't have a script and usually spend 2 weeks of the month using 12mg a day then I have to ration what I have left and can only use 3-4mg the rest of the month. So my current goal is to start using my bupe regularly instead of shooting it compulsively just to satisfy my desire of poking myself with a needle and shooting something into my vein. There's no real "first step" though, it's something I just have to do.
Since quitting dope I've started smoking cigarettes like crazy. I wake up every couple hours in the middle of the night and have a cigarette. At this point I'm not sure if I'm waking up because that's just my inability to sleep for consecutive hours, or if its because I need a cigarette. I used to hate cigarettes and talked shit on all my friends that smoked and asked why they would do something you get no gratification from that's killing you. You only get the gratification from smoking AFTER you're addicted. Starting smoking makes less sense than starting heroin. At least you get a high off heroin. Starting smoking is so pointless but when I was coming off opiates and my nerves were a wreck, they did help. I need to cut down on those too but one thing at a time I guess. The girl I'm seeing just quit smoking like a month ago and I thought when she quit that it would be easy for me to quit too, but that wasn't the case..
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I used to be a major pothead and for awhile I was a terrible alcoholic, but I was only drinking so much to escape the situation I was in living with a crazy girlfriend. I never started using opiates to escape any problems. I just started using them because I liked the way they made me feel. Now I'm searching for other things to make me feel good. Good music, good food, good people, etc. My goal is to be off the needle and be weening down on my bupe use by the end of 2017. That's really all I have for now... Hopefully I'll have some progress to report in the near future
When I initially quit using this most recent time I wasn't planning on getting on bupe, but after a week had passed of using no opiates at all, I was still feeling like shit and unable to attend school or go to work, so I ended up getting on bupe. The school semester was almost done and I was doing good up to the point I stopped going and didn't want the whole semester to be a waste. Would have been a lot of time and money down the drain. And I didn't want to tell my boss what I was going through so I didn't want to keep calling in to work and end up losing my job. I've been on subutex for around 5 months now, so this is the longest I've ever been clean since I started using opiates 10 years ago. I have no desire to get high on opiates or use heroin again, but the needle addiction is still going strong, so all of my bupe use has been IV. When I'm bored I use it compulsively and will use around 12mg a day. This ends up fucking me because I don't have a script and usually spend 2 weeks of the month using 12mg a day then I have to ration what I have left and can only use 3-4mg the rest of the month. So my current goal is to start using my bupe regularly instead of shooting it compulsively just to satisfy my desire of poking myself with a needle and shooting something into my vein. There's no real "first step" though, it's something I just have to do.
Since quitting dope I've started smoking cigarettes like crazy. I wake up every couple hours in the middle of the night and have a cigarette. At this point I'm not sure if I'm waking up because that's just my inability to sleep for consecutive hours, or if its because I need a cigarette. I used to hate cigarettes and talked shit on all my friends that smoked and asked why they would do something you get no gratification from that's killing you. You only get the gratification from smoking AFTER you're addicted. Starting smoking makes less sense than starting heroin. At least you get a high off heroin. Starting smoking is so pointless but when I was coming off opiates and my nerves were a wreck, they did help. I need to cut down on those too but one thing at a time I guess. The girl I'm seeing just quit smoking like a month ago and I thought when she quit that it would be easy for me to quit too, but that wasn't the case..
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I used to be a major pothead and for awhile I was a terrible alcoholic, but I was only drinking so much to escape the situation I was in living with a crazy girlfriend. I never started using opiates to escape any problems. I just started using them because I liked the way they made me feel. Now I'm searching for other things to make me feel good. Good music, good food, good people, etc. My goal is to be off the needle and be weening down on my bupe use by the end of 2017. That's really all I have for now... Hopefully I'll have some progress to report in the near future