I'm really tired of waking up with this morning anxiety, but it's hard to avoid given what's going on and that every day recently has been an onslaught of constant action all involving survival seriousness. I know comparing myself to others is pointless but I can't help but notice people I know flying past me on the road to personal progress and development while I remain in the dust, struggling with things like money and career. I'm beginning to question my place in the world again, if I'll ever get to that place where I'm okay with my lot in life. Poverty really stinks and so does lack of mobility. They're both things that can be changed, it just feels like I am climbing a big mountain this year.
It's not even because of drugs anymore. I've been clean for months... and in the absence of that, I am stuck with all that has been avoided. Being anxious, panicked, depressed, and frequently suicidal in a place where support resources are low has been really challenging. Human connection has never been more important than ever and I'm trying my best to keep it all together. Unfortunately, people can only do so much to help... I see it in their eyes, that courteous earnestness that eventually becomes having to turn away. People don't want to be reminded of their own unresolved inner work, and also I'm sure it's just not the greatest to be around a depressed person all the time.
The scary part of all this is that this is a hill I seem to be climbing alone and no one can really help me with it, deep down. People are islands of comfort and reassurance, but they can't stand with me as I face myself and the tasks ahead. It's something I have to own up to... and in that, there is no remedy for the loneliness. When the sheer terror began, I was trying to reach out for anyone I could to keep me company, so that I didn't feel like death was so near... which is so unlike me, being an introvert who has been alone for years. Now I realize I was just trying to cope. I thought I had dealt with these fears of death before, having almost died so many times now. But it's clear to me that this is a new kind of fatality in the making, even though I'm not 100% sure of the form it's taking on. It's the death of what I thought mattered (and I truly, sincerely believed it did). It's scary having those internal structures whittled away at by burgeoning awareness that it either no longer serves a purpose or it was total delusion in the first place. There's no comfort for me now, no refuge, no hiding. I am terrified.
Gradually, incrementally, I am coming to accept that this year I might die. And maybe that's okay. I've made a good go of it up until now, done a lot, realized a hell of a lot more, and met a lot of nice people. I would like to see the story continue, especially where new love is concerned... but those feelings of hope are countermanded daily by a deep seated fear that maybe I don't really belong here, and nothing is mine anyway. I would rather die than live a mediocre life where there is no sense of connection, no sense of family or belonging, no companionship and partnership, no tenderness, no love, no hope. I can see the emptiness in every moment, the utter meaninglessness. I thought this was supposed to feel liberating? Why do I feel so saddened by it then? It feels like the void... I stare into it, and it stares back, reminding me that nothing is real. I don't really know how to be with this information. It's almost a step too far. But at the same time... give me freedom or give me the bridge. I can't handle being on this fence anymore.
It's not even because of drugs anymore. I've been clean for months... and in the absence of that, I am stuck with all that has been avoided. Being anxious, panicked, depressed, and frequently suicidal in a place where support resources are low has been really challenging. Human connection has never been more important than ever and I'm trying my best to keep it all together. Unfortunately, people can only do so much to help... I see it in their eyes, that courteous earnestness that eventually becomes having to turn away. People don't want to be reminded of their own unresolved inner work, and also I'm sure it's just not the greatest to be around a depressed person all the time.
The scary part of all this is that this is a hill I seem to be climbing alone and no one can really help me with it, deep down. People are islands of comfort and reassurance, but they can't stand with me as I face myself and the tasks ahead. It's something I have to own up to... and in that, there is no remedy for the loneliness. When the sheer terror began, I was trying to reach out for anyone I could to keep me company, so that I didn't feel like death was so near... which is so unlike me, being an introvert who has been alone for years. Now I realize I was just trying to cope. I thought I had dealt with these fears of death before, having almost died so many times now. But it's clear to me that this is a new kind of fatality in the making, even though I'm not 100% sure of the form it's taking on. It's the death of what I thought mattered (and I truly, sincerely believed it did). It's scary having those internal structures whittled away at by burgeoning awareness that it either no longer serves a purpose or it was total delusion in the first place. There's no comfort for me now, no refuge, no hiding. I am terrified.
Gradually, incrementally, I am coming to accept that this year I might die. And maybe that's okay. I've made a good go of it up until now, done a lot, realized a hell of a lot more, and met a lot of nice people. I would like to see the story continue, especially where new love is concerned... but those feelings of hope are countermanded daily by a deep seated fear that maybe I don't really belong here, and nothing is mine anyway. I would rather die than live a mediocre life where there is no sense of connection, no sense of family or belonging, no companionship and partnership, no tenderness, no love, no hope. I can see the emptiness in every moment, the utter meaninglessness. I thought this was supposed to feel liberating? Why do I feel so saddened by it then? It feels like the void... I stare into it, and it stares back, reminding me that nothing is real. I don't really know how to be with this information. It's almost a step too far. But at the same time... give me freedom or give me the bridge. I can't handle being on this fence anymore.
