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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I lived for years in chronic pain. Used alcohol every day. Before my first back surgery I stopped, mainly because of the drugs I had been prescribed. Now I live for my pills.
Now I look at people who have obviously not taken care of their bodies. People who are seriously overweight and have been for years. People who are also likely diabetic, and are clearly not getting ANY exercise. I think of how long it takes me to get out of bed and how much I hurt just warming my body up in the morning.
I get so angry watching these people walking through the grocery store or sitting at a party, obviously not in pain. This happens to me almost every day. I dont want to be angry, but I begin to hate a person I maybe have never met just because they are moving freely without pain.
Its not a good way to live.
 
PainfulOne- awesome you have a new Dr who cares. Be careful though. Dont let it slip that you plug your meds. Thats a big red flag that many Drs would point to and cut you off completely.
 
I'm feeling better again. I had a rough week, lots of supplementary work hours I wasn't prepared for. It was driving my mind insane by the end of it couldn't have done another hour.

On top of that I got sold shit seedy weed that's obviously a hybrid and I like either kush or heavy on the sativa. Hybrids give me panic attacks they tend to. Point being is that I need indica cannabis medicinally, I have a reliable hookup for that which I go to all the time, and randomly he is low on money and this was the last straw. The seedy weed was not remotely kush and the seeds weighed out to half the weed. I'm not upset, because I'm smart and with the cash I made had some kush delivered to my door by someone else.

That's why I've been a little off lately though, I need that. And yeah the stress has been really building up and then I didn't have weed for 24 hours when it was time to relax and finally things seem chill. I'm just really hungry right now. I haven't been able to eat food without the kush I mean a little fruit but that's it. Skipped breakfast and lunch. Sort of annoying thought I could trust that dude he doesn't know the mistake he made I do not put up with seedy weed. I am serious about the weed I've been smoking it for 15 years it has to be good to work. But I'm feeling better again.

Probably still sound stressed, I just got the kush and need a few more tokes but yeah pretty much set up for the weekend to chill. Really need to destress I can feel it in my chest all the tension.
 
Happy you got the right kind of weed that you need Shroomy. I'm sorry that happened and yeah, where are the chronic pain support groups???? I have tried to do one online but it turned out to be just a way for others to try and sell me things and I get hundreds of e mails a day for different "treatments"! It was not a helpful group and I feel preyed upon.

I definately will not mention the plugging and I am trying to back that off. I would never have had to turn to that if I had been given an increase when I asked for one after ten years of holding at the same dosage! I need some instant relief medication. Period. That will make it so that I don't have to do that anymore at all ever! I will just use the instant relief medication when absolutely necessary. Which is what I do now with the plugging. I just didn't want to seem too eager and I am not thrilled about adding anymore medication. I wish I could decrease it but the facts are I become a retard and it doesn't go away it just gets worse!

I know exactly how you feel Squeaky. I have some family by marriage (nieces husband and sisters) who are grossly obese. I don't even know how they can move at all! One of their legs if bigger than my entire body! But they are able to work and cook all this food all the time and seem to have no pain, no problem moving! Yet they make fun of me!! It makes me angry too.
I have always taken good care of my body!
How do they even shit out all that food? I barely can eat one meal a day and have a hard time digesting that! How do they ever leave the bathroom? I don't get it.

I have just decided that I don't like to feel anger or hate. It eats up your soul and I just won't allow myself to be taken over by that.
I use my sense of humor to laugh it away and for me- I have a strong sense of who I am and that we are all divine. I always try and remember that.

I'm just grateful to finally be understanding this better and I am trying to make the correct decisions to make my life the best it can be. I am hopeful that things can be improved.
 
I'm feeling better since I got the kush. When I have the kush and the xanax, I have no worries for the time being and I can focus on important things. Never for long enough so it's definitely a distraction but something to keep track of and work on. I use the stuff that makes people sleepy and floors them because it just makes me feel normal from high strung.

It was rough going without the kush it has been in my head for 15 years and get depressed and start having panic attacks without it. Still calming down I really needed that much xanax, going without it for 24 hours was hell. I chain smoke bong a lot to calm my nerves. I need to figure stuff out.
 
Unfortunately some days its my anger at my whole situation that keeps me going.....
 
Squeaky said:
Unfortunately some days its my anger at my whole situation that keeps me going.....
Click to expand...

I can understand that too. I used anger for a long time to keep me going. A doctor once told me that it is a higher personality type that turns to anger instead of depression. Just be careful. An anger problem is worse than a drug problem. It is a fire that can be useful at times but can rage to an out of control wildfire.

Guys, I am so sorry that we have and are living with this horrific problem. I want you to know how very thankful I am to have found you all here. It has helped so much to find that I am not alone and some strange freak of nature. This chronic pain thing is so confusing and it is bad enough to suffer so much that you appear to be retarded but to then add ridicule from family, friends, doctors etc. on top of that is unbearable.

I appreciate you guys so much. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share things that I know we have tried to hide and keep secret for fear of the truth and how others respond to that truth.
 
We appreciate you too Painful One.

And I agree, it's nice to have a place to come where others understand the struggles you're going through.

Hang in there guys, I hope you're all having a great weekend.

Love and support,
your friend,
Ash.
Painful One said:
I can understand that too. I used anger for a long time to keep me going. A doctor once told me that it is a higher personality type that turns to anger instead of depression. Just be careful. An anger problem is worse than a drug problem. It is a fire that can be useful at times but can rage to an out of control wildfire.

Guys, I am so sorry that we have and are living with this horrific problem. I want you to know how very thankful I am to have found you all here. It has helped so much to find that I am not alone and some strange freak of nature. This chronic pain thing is so confusing and it is bad enough to suffer so much that you appear to be retarded but to then add ridicule from family, friends, doctors etc. on top of that is unbearable.

I appreciate you guys so much. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share things that I know we have tried to hide and keep secret for fear of the truth and how others respond to that truth.
Click to expand...
 
I turn to anger instead of depression. I don't allow myself to sink so low as to get depressed. For instance stealing health supplements to restore my brain however that does not fix a broken mind.
 
Had one of the best times of my life this weekend. Magical. Best isn't the right word to use. Little bit of sleep I better get on with life that was like half the weekend. I would like to crash so bad slept 3 hours since two 3am's ago but low on benzos can't use them for sleep. I'll probably fall asleep in about a minute anyway but this was really special.
 
Im starting the drop to 4mg of sub from 6 today. I'm going to take 2mg in the morning and 2 in the evening so I will hopefully minimize the inevitable insomnia. Some bad health news has made it imperative I accelerate my taper plan. I have 30mg of Ativan between now and the 20th then I'll get another 30mg. I'm hoping to stay at 2mg a day max. I figure I'll be feeling bad for at least a week. I still don't have any other comfort meds unfortunately and I can't use loperamide at all. So it's going to suck but I've never been this motivated before about anything.
 
Cj- I have been doing a taper on Loperamide similar to yours on Subs. Whats been working well for me has been to spread my drop in dose over two days, being very concious of how much I need the extra bump at night for sleep. I cut a little from my morning dose on Monday, then cut a little from my evening dose on Tuesday. I still feel the wds during the afternoon before my evening dose kicks in, but I try to time the evening dose to coincide with sleep and even adjust my morning dose earlier for a day or two so I can get back to sleep when it wakes me up at 3am.
It has REALLY been lessening the blow each time I drop and probably been helping me get to larger cuts each time.

People underestimate the importance of sleep until they cant get any.....
 
Agree about sleep. I'm thinking of splitting my morning dose in two. Like do 1mg when I wake up 1mg at like 4pm then 2mg at bed. Using the Ativan when I wake up. I'm not feeling too bad yet though so I'm trying to not take any Ativan today. Really don't want to end up dependent on benzos again.

But getting off the Suboxone is absolutely Paramount right now so I will do what is necessary
 
Man I remember when 6 hours was a little low on the sleep and would affect my energy the next day. This weekend I think I slept 5 hours total. I've been up for 12 hours and it is early afternoon, man I miss those days when sleep came easier.
 
Cj- careful about having a double dose at any point. The plan with tapering has to do with first stabilizing the level of the drug in your system, then slowly lowering it to zero. You train your brain to get used to life generally sucking evenly throughout the day. No relief from pain in the evening because thats when you take your extra pills or you continue to hate the way it feels in the morning when your dose is low.

Suboxone is supposed to be a relief from wds only, but it does provide a small boost in dopamine and some small amount of pain relief. Its prescribed because it lasts so long that often people can dose only once daily. If you are needing to dose every 12 hours, then you will likely notice a big relief each night when your 2mg dose kicks in (assuming you migrate to 1mg doses in the morning). Next you will be planning it to coincide with a glass of wine and getting off subs will be a mindfuck you dont want.
 
Used to snort those, why I couldn't use them to quit. Cold turkey has been harsh definitely not recommend but I mean if you want to get it over with asap and can handle it with the health problems or whatever it is led you to use them daily, it's the fastest way out of waking up sick every morning. However at 11 months I am still having extreme anxiety and insomnia. I slept about 6 hours total this weekend. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. I haven't used opiates other than a few low codeine doses in over 11 months now.
 
Squeaky said:
Cj- careful about having a double dose at any point. The plan with tapering has to do with first stabilizing the level of the drug in your system, then slowly lowering it to zero. You train your brain to get used to life generally sucking evenly throughout the day. No relief from pain in the evening because thats when you take your extra pills or you continue to hate the way it feels in the morning when your dose is low.

Suboxone is supposed to be a relief from wds only, but it does provide a small boost in dopamine and some small amount of pain relief. Its prescribed because it lasts so long that often people can dose only once daily. If you are needing to dose every 12 hours, then you will likely notice a big relief each night when your 2mg dose kicks in (assuming you migrate to 1mg doses in the morning). Next you will be planning it to coincide with a glass of wine and getting off subs will be a mindfuck you dont want.
Click to expand...

I don't drink. But anyway I've always taken my dose split through the day. When I was at 6mg it was 2 in the morning 2 in the afternoon 2 at night. To get to 4 I just cut the afternoon dose out. I figure with how long subs half life is the plasma level is going to be decreasing gradually anyway. I'll deal with the next dropping after this drop. I think I'm going to stick with the morning and night dosing for now though. Using the Ativan in the afternoon if I have too. Then I'll cut the morning dose next and the fun will really start. Hopefully I'll have more comfortable meds before I do that though.

I have a very necessary colonoscopy coming up in the next week or two so I'm just trying to get low enough before that so the bowl prep will work and it can be successful. The results of the procedure will determine what happens after that.

So in a nut shell I'm going down to make my bowels work more so then some long term plan to get or stay clean.
 
Benzo wd's are just awful, trembling at the moment.

Some really positive events have been occurring in my life as well. Trying to keep my head on my shoulders everything is well I can't complain haha. I did this to myself I can find a way out and yeah life has been good lately. Just been getting crazy busy, getting my energy back is hard I'm fatigued a lot but I am pushing myself to succeed.
 
Cj - Im doing exactly the same with lope. I was at 30 mg in the am and 30 mg in the evening. Timing my evening dose to give me relief from wds around bedtime. Then dropped to 25/25, then 20/20 etc. Now Im at 16 in the am and 14 in the pm(2mg pills and too lazy to break them in half!)
Theres no question the cuts at 100 mg/day hurt way less than they do now at 30 mg/day.

I get my new oxy script in 4 days..... If I were smart I would fill it, hide it, and continue to taper off lope.
 
Squeaky said:
Cj - Im doing exactly the same with lope. I was at 30 mg in the am and 30 mg in the evening. Timing my evening dose to give me relief from wds around bedtime. Then dropped to 25/25, then 20/20 etc. Now Im at 16 in the am and 14 in the pm(2mg pills and too lazy to break them in half!)
Theres no question the cuts at 100 mg/day hurt way less than they do now at 30 mg/day.

I get my new oxy script in 4 days..... If I were smart I would fill it, hide it, and continue to taper off lope.
Click to expand...

Yeah honestly it hasn't been awful so far. Tonight is the first night I haven't slept but I didn't take any Ativan today or yesterday now I guess. I just get paranoid about benzos dependency.

There's a part of me that wants to go ahead and drop too 2mg but I think that might be a little cocky. I will say I am an absolute emotional wreck. Angry sad suicidal happy just bouncing around all those multiple times a day. Probably doesn't help that I quit taking my depakote this weekend too.

I'm just over taking all these meds that don't get me high. Like if I'm going to suffer constant side effects I damn well better be getting high. I mean I just want to shit normally again. Been constipated for 10 fucking years
 
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