Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[EPL1]

Tag you're it DJ. ; )
I pm'd you.

Ash.

Check your inbox when u get a chance, and tell me all about it

 

[uncle_jocko]

You sound like you're doing a fine job UJ!!!

Don't be such a stranger though ; ) We miss you around here, everything else going well for you?

Love and support,
Ash.

Hey Ash - thanks for asking. It's been quite a trying year for me. It's been a HUGE year of change, loss on many levels, and I've been having some issues with my eye as well. When it rains it pours, I guess. That said, it's really been challenging my perspective - essentially, I've been "forced" into a mode of gratitude: I really need to focus on all of the amazing things in my life. It's always said that we grow the most in our most challenging/tough times ... so I'm definitely growing. Thanks for asking, my friend! How about yourself - how are you?

 

[ShroomySatori]

Thank you Ash you have a good day too. And painful one too and you know how I get when I'm low on benzos. It's inherently frightening and I have to let those thoughts pass me by and stay present. But, everything is working out as usual. I'm getting used to being in really terrible situations. There isn't much I can do but keep being as anxious as I possibly can when the time is right without it being dangerous. I just get depressed without pot and can't eat or sleep but running out of benzos is serious. Anyways, everything is working out and I'm getting some random work hours too that will be good for me.

I am managing to keep my cool so yeah it's not bad. And also focusing on what is important other than that instead of letting it get to me but can it ever.

 

[EPL1]

I hear you about being challenged UJ.

I am kind of struggling right now, like every other chronic pain patient right now I'm sure.

I hope your eye heals quickly. I'm proud of you, you have the best attitude!!

Love,
Ash.

Hey Ash - thanks for asking. It's been quite a trying year for me. It's been a HUGE year of change, loss on many levels, and I've been having some issues with my eye as well. When it rains it pours, I guess. That said, it's really been challenging my perspective - essentially, I've been "forced" into a mode of gratitude: I really need to focus on all of the amazing things in my life. It's always said that we grow the most in our most challenging/tough times ... so I'm definitely growing. Thanks for asking, my friend! How about yourself - how are you?

 

[Squeaky]

Holy crap theres a lot of posts today....

I have my account set to not accept PMs. I was spending too much time staring at my phone, causing arguments with my wife. So I disabled PMs in an attempt to slow myself down a bit. It seems to have worked.

Unclejocko- pretty awesome you are sticking to your plan. Every month for the last two years I indulge at the first of the month, then promise myself that I will cut back, then suffer through a few days of running low or running out. Then I start the new month with what should be a really low tolerance, but I only use that to enjoy my pills again until I am running low again and start the roller coaster all over. Your strength is inspiring. Please dont give up or give in.

I realize that the only way for me to quit is to tell my Dr to cut me off. My guess is that a lot of people reading this are in the same boat. I have spent this Thanksgiving in pain but still living, and wondering if dealing with the pain might be a better plan:
When I take the pills I dont hurt, but people either think Im cured or they think Im an addict when they see me take a pill or hear me slurr a little. When I have no pills I am clearly in pain but somehow protected and respected by friends and family. I never expected for my life to be perfect after my surgeries, but I never could have guessed that these would be my choices.

Can I just have my old life back?

 

[dopiejay]

Great to hear that, CJ. It's amazing how the body can adjust; and if done correctly, a taper can be quite effective. For me, the biggest struggle for the taper hasn't been my body ... it's been my mind. For example, last night, I wasn't craving any pills physically, but it would have been SOOOOO nice to just have that big, warm blanket of opiates. Had I not flushed the extra, I would have DEFINITELY indulged. But, now that I know I don't have any extra pills on hand (only the amount I need for my taper), I simply know I can't. Very akin to a child knowing it has to obey his/her parent. In fact, tapering (for me) is VERY similar to parenting yourself. That's my experience thus far - I guess we'll see if this holds true in a month.

Very well said bud. I find that as soon as i get the thoughts in my head, without physical withdrawal, I need to have it RIGHT NOW. It's especially bad now that I'm tapering Valium. Because that causes anxiety. And when my mind starts running, i remember the little blue pills that take it all away. And that's usually where I break.

Same goes for pain. As soon as I feel a flare coming I'm on the phone lining up just a little more oxy than I need. Probably don't need to take 20 or 40 milligrams I'm probably fine with 15, but I always have to have some extra on hand. The mind is a powerful thing.

 

[EPL1]

Hi Squeaky,


If you find a way to get our old pain free lives back where we aren't being stigmatized you let me know. ; )

Best to you Squeaky,
Ash.

Holy crap theres a lot of posts today....

I have my account set to not accept PMs. I was spending too much time staring at my phone, causing arguments with my wife. So I disabled PMs in an attempt to slow myself down a bit. It seems to have worked.

Unclejocko- pretty awesome you are sticking to your plan. Every month for the last two years I indulge at the first of the month, then promise myself that I will cut back, then suffer through a few days of running low or running out. Then I start the new month with what should be a really low tolerance, but I only use that to enjoy my pills again until I am running low again and start the roller coaster all over. Your strength is inspiring. Please dont give up or give in.

I realize that the only way for me to quit is to tell my Dr to cut me off. My guess is that a lot of people reading this are in the same boat. I have spent this Thanksgiving in pain but still living, and wondering if dealing with the pain might be a better plan:
When I take the pills I dont hurt, but people either think Im cured or they think Im an addict when they see me take a pill or hear me slurr a little. When I have no pills I am clearly in pain but somehow protected and respected by friends and family. I never expected for my life to be perfect after my surgeries, but I never could have guessed that these would be my choices.

Can I just have my old life back?

 

[dopiejay]

So guys, I've made a stride forward. I've stopped drinking whiskey on week days. Now I'm drinking gin! *jokes, kinda*

However the Valium taper is going great. If I keep my drinking down below shitface-level and stick to just having a few neat ones in the evening (neat means no ice no mix room temp for those who don't know) then I don't have a hangover the next day aside from a little bit of a nerve fry, and thus I don't crave the diazepam to reverse said hangover.

I realize these are all excuses for my alcoholism, but putting down the benzos is the big thing right now. I thought my taper was further along, I was taking 5mg a day when I was supposed to be taking 15! Now I'm gone back up to 10mg a day after finding the rest of my pills lmao.

 

[dopiejay]

Hi Squeaky,

I messaged you a ways back, about what happened with my dr. Anyway, I have been on pm for almost a decade, same low dose, no issues, taken as rx'd. I made an appt to talk about breakthrough pain and was told to just stop taking the meds for 2 weeks to reset tolerance. Sad situation this war on chronic pain patients is causing between dr and patient.

I hope things get better too. But if they don't I am not backing down this time. I was stressed out and came off my pm voluntarily twice, then suffered in pain. I'm fighting now.

If you find a way to get our old pain free lives back where we aren't being stigmatized you let me know. ; )

Best to you Squeaky,
Ash.

Sorry for the triple post but i had to weigh on this one too. I had to give up on pain management altogether. My doctor basically told me "fuck off and stop wasting our time u aren't getting any opioids", only in a slightly nicer way. I mean very slightly.

Now I'm still here buying overpriced Percocet off a guy every week or two when I have a flare up because the doctors here ALL REFUSE to write opioid scripts unless you have cancer. They'd rather you go in the hospital and get daily morphine shots then send you home with a prescription. I'm not exaggerating at all. It's literally like that. they strictly only administer opioids inside the walls of the hospital and nobody takes it home with them. I have to buy mine from a guy the next town over 2.5 hours away because nobody here gets opioid scripts

 

[EPL1]

Hahaha, I love that joke actually, I actually laughed out loud!!! ; ) So thanks for the laugh dj!!!

As far as the benzo's AND the alcohol, yes, just focus on one thing at a time and tackle that. Which I see you are doing nicely already!!!

Way to go dj!!! We love you!!

Here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.

So guys, I've made a stride forward. I've stopped drinking whiskey on week days. Now I'm drinking gin! *jokes, kinda*

However the Valium taper is going great. If I keep my drinking down below shitface-level and stick to just having a few neat ones in the evening (neat means no ice no mix room temp for those who don't know) then I don't have a hangover the next day aside from a little bit of a nerve fry, and thus I don't crave the diazepam to reverse said hangover.

I realize these are all excuses for my alcoholism, but putting down the benzos is the big thing right now. I thought my taper was further along, I was taking 5mg a day when I was supposed to be taking 15! Now I'm gone back up to 10mg a day after finding the rest of my pills lmao.

 

[cj]

Great to hear that, CJ. It's amazing how the body can adjust; and if done correctly, a taper can be quite effective. For me, the biggest struggle for the taper hasn't been my body ... it's been my mind. For example, last night, I wasn't craving any pills physically, but it would have been SOOOOO nice to just have that big, warm blanket of opiates. Had I not flushed the extra, I would have DEFINITELY indulged. But, now that I know I don't have any extra pills on hand (only the amount I need for my taper), I simply know I can't. Very akin to a child knowing it has to obey his/her parent. In fact, tapering (for me) is VERY similar to parenting yourself. That's my experience thus far - I guess we'll see if this holds true in a month.

Yeah it's easier with Suboxone because there is no warm fuzzy feeling no matter what dose I take. I don't think I could taper with a full agonist.

 

[EPL1]

Wow, that's just overkill. Take solace in knowing it's happening everywhere. But it's still wrong. So only people dying are allowed pain relief? What about us that still want to live? Unbelievable,

Sorry that happened to you dj.

Love,
Ash.

Sorry for the triple post but i had to weigh on this one too. I had to give up on pain management altogether. My doctor basically told me "fuck off and stop wasting our time u aren't getting any opioids", only in a slightly nicer way. I mean very slightly.

Now I'm still here buying overpriced Percocet off a guy every week or two when I have a flare up because the doctors here ALL REFUSE to write opioid scripts unless you have cancer. They'd rather you go in the hospital and get daily morphine shots then send you home with a prescription. I'm not exaggerating at all. It's literally like that. they strictly only administer opioids inside the walls of the hospital and nobody takes it home with them. I have to buy mine from a guy the next town over 2.5 hours away because nobody here gets opioid scripts

 

[EPL1]

Thanks Shroomy,

You're sounding really good lately, I sincerely hope you have a great day my friend!!!

Love,
Ash.

Thank you Ash you have a good day too. And painful one too and you know how I get when I'm low on benzos. It's inherently frightening and I have to let those thoughts pass me by and stay present. But, everything is working out as usual. I'm getting used to being in really terrible situations. There isn't much I can do but keep being as anxious as I possibly can when the time is right without it being dangerous. I just get depressed without pot and can't eat or sleep but running out of benzos is serious. Anyways, everything is working out and I'm getting some random work hours too that will be good for me.

I am managing to keep my cool so yeah it's not bad. And also focusing on what is important other than that instead of letting it get to me but can it ever.

 

[dopiejay]

Hahaha, I love that joke actually, I actually laughed out loud!!! ; ) So thanks for the laugh dj!!!

As far as the benzo's AND the alcohol, yes, just focus on one thing at a time and tackle that. Which I see you are doing nicely already!!!

Way to go dj!!! We love you!!

Here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.

Lol I was only partly joking because I actually did switch to gin, which is going great btw! Ungava gin is very smooth and tasty, and relatively cheap. Glad I could make you laugh.

And yeah the doctor thing, they would rather u be dead or dying so they won't have to put up with you for long. As for us 'healthy' folk, if are lives aren't in immediate danger, then no need to treat us. They get paid per patient anyway so the quicker they can rush u out the door the better. If they haven't gotta write a script and can just tell u to go excercise then it's easy money I guess.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I never know how many benzos I have. My brain pulls this trick that it tries to get me to forget that I took them so I take them again. Then I have less then I thought. Going to keep on track especially since when you dose on a schedule the active metabolites are more harmonized and build up.

This was the first time I ran low and didn't panic. Today was extremely busy. Mars was going crazy in astrology today. Thought I was going to have a chill day and ended up only getting to rest now in the evening. However Jupiter was out and about too and that means luck which I got both times around the precise times. First with a bunch of extra work hours and then finally getting the anxiety meds so I can continue to be stable and very slowly taper. I feel so good having a supply of xanax just knowing I don't have to worry for a while and can concentrate on other important things.

Seems like I keep dodging bullets but I'm not taking more of them than intended. Just broke. I have a busy few days ahead of me. I should take the rest of the day to get stoned and take care of myself, energize for tomorrow. Yeah it took a lot not to panic in that scenario for various reasons I don't like to be low on anxiety meds at all. I have not run out in 6 years for a single day.

 

[EPL1]

Bahaha classic...insert foot in mouth Ash!!!! I just came on to see what you guys were up to and almost spat my coffee out when I read that!! ; )

Sorry Jay!

Ash.

Lol I was only partly joking because I actually did switch to gin, which is going great btw! Ungava gin is very smooth and tasty, and relatively cheap. Glad I could make you laugh.

And yeah the doctor thing, they would rather u be dead or dying so they won't have to put up with you for long. As for us 'healthy' folk, if are lives aren't in immediate danger, then no need to treat us. They get paid per patient anyway so the quicker they can rush u out the door the better. If they haven't gotta write a script and can just tell u to go excercise then it's easy money I guess.

 

[dopiejay]

Bahaha classic...insert foot in mouth Ash!!!! I just came on to see what you guys were up to and almost spat my coffee out when I read that!! ; )

Sorry Jay!

Ash.

Don't be sorry! I love gin! Really helps the creative juices flow lmao

 

[ShroomySatori]

I'm feeling a little messed up. I know it is the withdrawal. It's okay. My skin is improving, I am looking healthy again. I had dryness all over from crying every day. People were wondering I def looked fucked up. My xanax tolerance is way down. I am cutting the quarters off them. But my memory has improved, when I was taking all the etizolam I don't think I remember my life very well at all. I think I blacked out for 2 months this summer and pretty much laid in bed depressed. I have come a long way but it seems that if it isn't one drug then it's another and I can't help but have have cravings for the one that makes me feel just right. There is one drug in existence that does that. Gotta learn to pass it up.

It is hard to be lonely, sad, depressed; it is hard to watch my life pass me by and potential go to waste. That being said, I just noticed this is exactly the time I take my xanax. So yeah, I guess I'm self medicating depression with those. I know that, for sure I am really depressed in a lot of different ways. It gets really bad when I have to stretch my benzo supply. I haven't gone without one in over 6 years so there is clearly some trauma going on here. I think this spine injury fucked my head up over time. Who can live in agony 24/7 it's bullshit I feel like it ruined my life I start to panic thoughts race I want to fucking trash my place and scream and cry and cut my wrists so I take the xan and feel normal. I think I need it at least for now. Could use a hug I'm so down on myself. Well it's my time to dose and I have a cup of matcha to go with the couple of xanax. How I got so hooked on this shit or how I developed a panic disorder or why I had to have this back injury to begin with is beyond me I was a stoner who dabbled in hard drugs on occasion before and had it all. I am just going to get more and more depressed and I was having tremors earlier so I better take those.

It gets confusing, I don't know who I am anymore. I need the xanax for sure, and I am a pothead. I cannot envision my life presently without those drugs and my xanax tolerance is too high that cutting quarters off xanax bars I take is good enough for now. I would like to stay off the opiates. I am almost at a year (not including codeine a few times for pain but who cares not me) and I do not want to fuck up but specifically the heroin is calling me I know some extra money is coming in and I know I could get away with doing some lines. The shit that goes through my head. I need to stop craving it because the cravings build up over time and I can't ever go through this nightmare again. I'm starting to feel better, I've had a few good days. My xanax supply was really low so I played it safe and didn't take any really at all today until I had a prescription bottle full again.

I just took 3 and a half of them but at the the right taper time. When tapering I like to keep the time between doses the same and lower the dose. Sometimes I will fuck off like just now and take a higher dose. I still have to be making progress being in withdrawal so much and lower my dose a bit. I get overwhelmed and it makes me mellow about it. That is before the panic freakouts I mean if it's keeping me out of the mental ward at least for the time being I think that is a good thing if I can take care of myself and see improvement.

 

[Painful One]

Sending you a hug ShroomySatori!

I know how you feel. You explained it well! This chronic pain "living" is absolute bullshit and so hard.
Anxiety and depression comes along with it.
You are doing just fine. I'm super proud of you.

So good to hear from dopiejay! That made me very happy yesterday! I was having a bad day.

I will write more when I get feeling a bit better, just wanted to let you guys know I am okay.
Sending lots of love to you all!

 

[uncle_jocko]

Sorry for the triple post but i had to weigh on this one too. I had to give up on pain management altogether. My doctor basically told me "fuck off and stop wasting our time u aren't getting any opioids", only in a slightly nicer way. I mean very slightly.

Now I'm still here buying overpriced Percocet off a guy every week or two when I have a flare up because the doctors here ALL REFUSE to write opioid scripts unless you have cancer. They'd rather you go in the hospital and get daily morphine shots then send you home with a prescription. I'm not exaggerating at all. It's literally like that. they strictly only administer opioids inside the walls of the hospital and nobody takes it home with them. I have to buy mine from a guy the next town over 2.5 hours away because nobody here gets opioid scripts

I'm curious where you are (location). I know in California, if you're seeing a Pain Management doctor, they still prescribe decent amounts of opiates in order to manage the pain. It's nothing like it was ten years ago (it was INSANE back then - I was getting huge amounts), but they are still rather liberal in the number of pills they prescribe. Are most of the people on here from Canada?