I met someone I really really like. I've been in benzo wd hardly able to leave my bed since Friday. But she's been covering my coworkers shifts past couple weeks and we work together. Usually the people do their own thing but we can kill it together. We work together, get everything done so fast and then we chat. I tell her about myself, make sure I'm not boring her, really polite, but flirty just subtle I think she picks up on it, haha, but remember to ask her lots of questions too. Today she was so chill, we have cool stuff in common and are just a good team. Did I mention she is beautiful. Anyways, I mentioned this for one reason not to mention I have a crazy crush on someone but it's different. Like, if we can hit it off like that it's so legit. I haven't felt that way with anyone else since forever and she's just so damn nice. I make fun of myself and stuff she doesn't mind.
So yeah I felt this building up but I know I want see her for a while cause we switch back now. But yeah, it would have been like the guy in the dispensary lineup who I talked about legit growing knowledge with and who honestly could have been a smoking buddy after a conversation in line. The convo was probably the chillest stoner convo I've ever had as short lasting as it was. It's just like, after 15 years of being a doper you start getting irritated when people don't know their shit. And with this dude, it was like one or two minutes before we realized we were hardcore stoners and I think both struggling a bit or we wouldn't be there buying little bags of herb.
Anyways, it wasn't even a realization this was just natural. I learned from the experience I just mentioned, that I could have possibly made a really great stoner junkie type dude who I could probably relate to a lot. Seemed down on his luck but cheerful. I should have just said yo lets go smoke one man I got hash you got herb. But yeah it's kind of sketch too right so we ended it with maybe i'll see ya around again. And that was super chill cause paranoid stoners would def do that haha. Need to confirm 2 or 3 times that we are scummy weed junkies lol.
Oh right the girl. She is omfg. I liked her before, was attracted to her but it took a while to really get chatting with her and now it's just like chill. I want to get to know you. She's a bit younger (she thought she was older haha, William Burroughs always said junkies tend to look younger than they are)... oh right the girl. Okay so I was like fuck this I'm not letting you go b*tch!!! No I didn't say that haha just internally and it wasn't like I should ask this girl out. Was just like want to talk about "cool stuff we were talking about" and she was right away like "yes". Sort of confidently too, enthusiastically like emphasizing it. I don't get it. Why would she be so interested. If she senses what I sense though and thinks I'm cute, that is chill. It's not a big deal shit has never worked out but this feels different. I like the company of women in general but we talk for an hour straight getting to know each other and also there is also something I like. If we don't talk, it isn't awkward or anything. That's super chill and a good sign.
But yeah the reason. I was in benzo wd the whole shift I didn't really take much extra and I hadn't had a short acting all day I was fucked out of my mind with anxiety. But yeah this didn't stop me at all and she has the opportunity to get ahold of me now. I don't care either way (well I'm telling myself that) but yeah like it was just chill to make a new friend like that. She was really motivating to me about applying for jobs. She's like I'm going to ask you if you applied to this one yet. Lots of teasing just fun, dammit. I have a pointless ridiculous crush on a girl. She is lovely and she isn't full of shit like some of these other girls. She's real, I know I'm a worthless junkie and all but that doesn't mean I won't meet someone while detoxing. I can't control when that happens and it's just the natural teamwork and convo. Now I am going to forget about her or keep her in the back of my mind until / if I hear from her. We are funny together... and it's just the way she emphasized yes' and like right away when I asked to keep in touch or whatev. That was surprising I'm just not letting another potential friend getting away when I need friends to be happy and yeah. I was in benzo wd the whole time, banged my head twice once totally fucking my piercings internal cartiledge bleeding fuck, I did make myself look good actually last minute, but was sort of spacey and I feel like she just likes me. Asks me a lot about my career I like that. Like she sees the potential how easy it would be if I just tried. Not having friends is really hard for people with BPD because they help me recognize my identity. I identify with The Void, you see.
Anyways we like each other it's cool. I'm too stoned to remember writing this and it's late at night, I don't want to read it again or think about her as that will get in the way. It generates anxiety. She'll totally contact me if she likes me and well, there were those flirting cues tonight. Just weird to be so comfortable with someone after a few times meeting her and also the natural teamwork we laze around and then kill it at our work and make good split second decisions we mostly agree on. I have a crush now, honestly for the first time in soooo long I thought I had crushes on girls but there was always something holding it back. Difference between crush and attraction I guess. I completely have a crush on this girl and who knows? I'm thinking long term here, well, I have thought about this as a long term thing and honestly who knows right. But I do know one thing if I don't hear from her that's cool. It's her choice. I did really well. Would love to continue getting to know her though.
Also, being around her somehow lessened the benzo withdrawal. Just her I don't get it. It wasn't really bothering me as much I was still doing shit like banging my ear accidentally so hard it got bloody for fucks sake, but chatting intently and cheerfully. I genuinely really like getting to know her and in a few hours feel like I know a lot about not just what she does and stuff but a bit about her family, and definitely her personality. Grrrrr I know I mention girls from time to time but this is a little different. I'd go for her in a heartbeat and I guess I did tonight when she was getting ready to leave. Whenever I have liked a girl and it worked out for a while it happened fast.
Time to smoke a gram to forget I wrote this because I want everything to be a surprise if this amounts to anything. But yeah the weird part was without as many benzos it was more chill. I was in withdrawal but I'm used to withdrawal. I was more myself, I guess. The other girl I'm friends with said I seemed down tonight and if I ever wanted to talk. This girl I am crushing on brought me up. She boosted my confidence, especially with jobs and we have some fun things in common. Complimented her about some good things in her life but naturally, like I was happy for her for real. I wonder if anything will happen. Time to smoke a gram in bong so I forget I wrote this it's just venting so that I don't think about her until I see / hear from her next time.
