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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Hey Squeaky hope you're doing well.

Only time I had my shit together was mid November - mid December. I haven't been right since.

Today I was almost sectioned, it was bullshit and a day long panic attack. I can't take it anymore I had a chill day planned today. Head to the mall, eat healthy, then do yoga at 9. There is no way in hell I'm going to yoga tonight.

There is extreme stress in my life at the moment, now legal stressors, and now I have to quit smoking weed. I smoke 20 joints a day at least and it is a major coping mechanism for me. This is not the right time at all for me to quit. I have cyclobenzaprine and baclofen, so I can do a triple downer combo and knock myself out for a few days.

I find all of this disheartening. I was expecting more out of my life. I didn't have the energy to read my book today, and then all that pointless shit happened that ruined my day. It was the first day that I was really feeling optimistic since I last slipped too. Now I feel worse than before. I can become a monster without cannabis and I really hope it doesn't happen again. I need to be smoking pot it's stressing me out more than anything. I can't go an hour or two without starting to fiend it and the cravings lasted 6 months once. It's different I don't get those same kinds of cravings from opiates. It totally sucks that I have to quit smoking weed now. It was really one of the few things seeing me through.

I'm really getting fed up now... I almost hurt myself today, and I am very impulsive when I quit smoking weed. I was going to buy an ounce and now I'm just going to get some fucking heroin instead and nobody will notice.

Today was the defining point to me... I have officially completely ruined my life. I'm too fucked up and it takes so long to even begin to start rebuilding a life, that really I'm just done. I can't take it anymore and that is the way that things are.

And yeah she is really cute. She seems to be pushing to hang out now that she's home (good sign). She was gone for a month and def wants to hang out I wasn't sure, we haven't been chatting. Just waiting. That is the type of girl I need one who knows we like each other but will ask me out, realizing how clueless I am. lol. I like her a lot, lovely girl but she hasn't really been on my mind because of these new problems. Like I can't even stay remotely calm without smoking pot. Do I want to be snapping at her over nothing. It's really the only thing that keeps me from trashing the fuck out of my place, self harm, all sorts of stuff. It really helps with the impulsivity and the depression... and the fucking oxy withdrawal symptoms now suddenly I'm out. I'm likely hanging out with her this weekend and I'll have to buy a gram for that I guess. I'm already going to be shaky from not even a week of oxy wd's if her and I do chill. I am surprised she is pushing for us to hang out she definitely wants tooooo : p I really do not want to quit smoking 20 joints a day at all, you see. I like to chain smoke joints, and my life is going nowhere for the time being.

I just need to keep so busy that three weeks will fly by without me hardly noticing. This is really fuckin annoying when I can't sleep, can't even smoke weed, can't eat, can't even focus or concentrate enough to read a book. Laid in bed ALL week long since last Sunday.
 
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I think despite it being difficult to do things that are good for you when you feel this down and are stressing, this is the most important time to do it. Not saying you arent trying, but you just seem really hard on yourself and put a lot of energy into reasoning why you cant do the things that make you happy.

Not to invalidate your feelings. I just dont think you deserve the bad rap you give yourself, you have a lot of self awareness and seem to have some idea of how you'd like your life to be, Id just hate to see you not believe you can accomplish that.
 
I found this insightful.

I wrote a long response or two actually but then I smoked half a joint of schwag. I'm chill again, I wasn't feeling the dabs of hash oil this morning and I'm so stoned off that. It's like you are saying about invalidating feelings... I invalidate a lot of my drug induced ones.

I have a lovely vision for the future, just need to make it happen. I already have the education just sitting there, I'm selling myself short since I feel like a burnout. Can't concentrate on shit to apply for jobs. I don't believe I can accomplish that dream presently but I am also oxy sick and was saying I could do anything I put my mind to last year when I was clean.

My feelings are not in alignment with who I am as a person... they are skewed towards the negative. I remember growing up I had to work through stuff to get where I am. Well, I am finally comfortable with who I am as a person. I have checked myself analytically for flaws and they are everywhere but only a couple glitches. It's like I'm always always always looking for something wrong with me... there is nothing. I'm not going to find very much. I could not be happier with myself (once I get through acute withdrawal, the post-acute withdrawal is thrilling, not boring to me but it's the period of my life) - but then I hate my life. Yeah... I am happy, but I dislike my life. It would really be a shame to be so content with myself yet just not do anything and potentially die of an overdose which is a very real risk now. I was unresponsive slouched over for 8 hours on the couch the other day at the start of my short-lived binge. I can't really talk my way out of being that fucked up, so there will be some repercussions from that. My habit has been a secret for 5 years it needs to end now for me to have a life.

It is crazy, how that little spliff chilled me out like that. Joints are my fave way to smoke pot, I'm definitely going to still need a couple a day and asap as soon as I get paid really. I haven't required it to be discrete for a while but that adds a whole new dimension to the experience, and I'll be smoking less and getting really stoned. There is going to be an adjustment period during oxycodone withdrawal which I would prefer not to be experiencing, but I really messed up this time. I can go without the pot, just already under enough stress y'know? And that's what it does when I stop. Creates a stress storm in my mind. Well I better try and sleep while I'm a little stoned.

I just realized that I will be the only one who ever knows or has known this suffering. That has some pretty trippy philosophical implications. It is my experience of life. So far, it has been wasted potential. One thing in withdrawal I will not forget about though is a girl. When she was inviting me over every night in the summer and I was very seriously heroin sick back then, nothing else could have dragged me out of bed than her cute self. It would be physically and mentally exchausting to drive 10 minutes to her place at night with no cars around.
 
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The fuck do I have now, don't even have any weed to smoke no more. I get manic without it and I have quit for years, it never gets better. I need that shit to be any sort or calm.

I'm nervous. Not really about dying or anything unless it's against my own will.

I wish I was dead. Then went don't I just tie up a fucking nooose already. What's the hold up, weed always made me lazy though I never admitted it.

Being lazy in a suicidal detox is a good thing. I'm not lazy anymore with weed I am freaking out. Something's gonna give it started happening yesterday I'm being put under more and more pressure until.... snap. Where the fuck is my weed is it worth losing a life over. Cause believe me... I'll slash my wrist in a second without cannabis. It's the only thing that stops me from slashing my arm on a regular basis. This is not the time for that. I hope I get paid today.
 
I have been tapering hydrocodone since November. I have been on 10/325 for 10 years. This last 5 days I have taken a 1/2 a tablet one time a day going longer in between pills. Today I'm jumping. I'm cscared. Any advice?
 
Squeaky said:
Painfulone, Larinar, Herbavore, thank you for the kind words. I know that others too like Pokemama and Shroomi are pulling for me.
It?s a little dumb, but everyone here has provided me with so much support....... It has really helped.
Click to expand...

I'm glad to hear this. All you friends here help me a lot too! Thank you.
You do have support here Squeaky. There are others who understand. That in itself is a great comfort.
You are not alone. We are all pulling for you.
I'm here for you. Anytime. You are going to get through this. You may possibly be like the bionic man- "we can rebuild him, stronger, faster...." Lol! I know you probably remember that show too.

Hang in there. May peace and comfort be with you. <3
 
Cjo said:
I have been tapering hydrocodone since November. I have been on 10/325 for 10 years. This last 5 days I have taken a 1/2 a tablet one time a day going longer in between pills. Today I'm jumping. I'm cscared. Any advice?
Click to expand...

Great job for getting down to a half a pill! I don't think it will be that bad Cjo. You are only on 5 mg hydrocodone a day now.
You will probably have very little physical discomfort. At this point it is a battle with the mind. Tell yourself this is no big deal.
I think the worst you will experience is 3 days of discomfort and then.......freedom!!
Maybe not even that since you have given your brain a chance to heal by slowly cutting the medication over some time.
That is the right way to do it. I think it makes it so you don't get the post withdrawal syndrome doing it slowly.

You can always go back to the half if it is too bad and keep tapering that down for awhile. Take the time you need.
You don't want to find yourself in a position of starting over after all this work. You got this baby! You got this!
Hold your head high and badass through this last push! I am cheering you onward but take your time.

We are here for you! Let us know how it goes. I'm praying for you also. <3
 
I?ve been suicidal many times throughout my life, since I was about 10 years old. It sucks in ways the normal person cannot possibly comprehend.
Every time I didn?t do it was just like the time before, and the time before that. I just keep telling myself that this time will end up like last time, and then I will be happy I didn?t do it.
As as an adult the decision became whether to get drunk or hang myself. Each time I would decide it was better to live as a drunk than die sober.
Go find some weed Shroomi. This is no way to live.
 
Shroomy,

First, take a deep breathe. Just breathe deeply for a few minutes. Calm down.

What happened my friend? Your family found you all nodded out and unresponsive in your chair and are forcing you in to treatment or what? I can advise you better if I know exactly what we are dealing with now. Suicidal detox? Is that where you are headed?

NO! You will not hurt yourself! Don't do that to yourself. You deserve love from yourself. I know you can find compassion for yourself in there despite all the bashing you do to yourself.

You say "I just realized that I will be the only one who ever knows or has known this suffering." That is not a true statement my friend. You are not so different than many, many others and there is no special torment picked out just for you that millions have also not known. We are not all that much different. We are much more the same. You are not alone here. You have lots of people who love and care about you. Show yourself that same love and care.

Whatever this is that you have to do now is not going to prevent you from smoking weed for very long, if at all. The doctors actually have cannabis in a pill form if needed and necessary. Don't stress yourself over the weed smoking thing.

Getting some help may be a very good thing, though it does not seem like it now. Be honest and get yourself the true help that is needed.

Sending you love and comfort. I have been praying for you too and continue to do so. Sometimes blessing's come in disguise.
We don't recognize them as a blessing until later.
 
Cjo said:
I have been tapering hydrocodone since November. I have been on 10/325 for 10 years. This last 5 days I have taken a 1/2 a tablet one time a day going longer in between pills. Today I'm jumping. I'm cscared. Any advice?
Click to expand...
Great job tapering. You have done well getting down to a small amount!! I haven?t gone through total withdraw yet but putting a heavy weighted blanket on my legs helped with the restless legs and arms . I?m at about 20 mg OC a day , 10 mg in am and 10 mg at dinner , Ill prob stop once I get to 10 mg a day . Best Wishes , update when you can .
 
Thank you Painful One! I'm so anxious right now. Reading these posts will help.
 
I got sick of laying in bed day after day, I have become so depressed. I recall that without opiates emotions were manageable for the most part and I was generally happy.

Took badfish advice, and got out to do something healthy for myself. I couldn't stand laying in bed anymore. I got out to the mall and walked for 2 hours browsing and listening to music. I had some free teas, and I managed to stomach two dark chocolates. I really need easy things to digest right now.

I'm crying. I don't feel any better. Just crying. I am having another glass of water. My upper arms feel like they are burning alive and I am severely nauseated. I am going to puke, a lot, soon, and it is going to be awful.

I am going to read these messages now I promise, if there is ever a time I need general support it is now I hate to ask. I normally just vent here. But this is bad. I'm too fried, exhausted to get into it. I just want to feel comfortable physically while not on opiates like I was last year. I have to suffer to get there but more and more I am refusing to lay around in bed feeling unable to read a book. At the very least, I am trekking daily - that is what I did last year, walked for hours and hours and hours on a daily basis. I got better really fast that time but like, I can't eat food properly without weed. It's about 3pm and I have had two chocolate truffles, a serving of vegan protein, some coconut water honestly nothing really else. I am the opposite of hungry.

Just want to feel good again you all really help. But if there was ever a time that I really needed support from friends here for this it is now. I am at my breaking point.

And yeah painful one I saw you said to take a breath... I was doing that at the mall... inhaling essential oils. It's going to get worse before it gets better. I barely had the strength to walk around the mall today. I'm exhausted and it makes me wonder if I should be doing that or just resting and laying in bed? Since, I can't even properly nourish myself yet? I will definitely be going for slow walks each day but I feel like I am eating so little, that I need to consider a new diet for the next week. I'll go to the health foods when I get paid and I know some stuff that is really easily digestible.
 
Honestly not that long I would say 3 to 4 weeks but it depends on your state of mind. You can get rid of those right now if you want (much easier said than done). It involves surrender, and sucks.

That being said I was feeling suicidal today laying in bed suffering physical agony like that. So, I got out to the mall. I had a good time, actually, and talked to some people at the shops I like there. It was tough to get dressed and ready for it let alone get there. It was such a fuckin struggle. When I was there I walked around and it was a good distraction. Made one new friend she just mentioned in passing if I work here and she has seen me around. Should have asked for her number. I don't forget I'm just a dumbass.

Squeaky, there may be something to that loperamide of yours. I took 22mg and if I could find the one I dropped... I mean, I've been scrapping oil off the table and weed crumbs from the carpet and rolling up the tiniest little roaches lol. It would be funny if it was just weed, but yeah, I got a quarter of chron it's actually really good weed.

Painful One, I didn't get caught (I can talk my way out of anything lol). Essentially, a close relative stopped by and found me unresponsive for 8 hours. I was slouched over, not moving a muscle apparently. No paramedics were called... I think I was talking. I can't remember. The only thing I can remember is recognizing what was happening and someone asking me what the fuck drugs I was fucked on. So... I smoothed it over since then. It's in my best interest.

The only real consequence of which there could have been SO many was I had an awful day yesterday, woke up depressed today, and I have to smoke weed like a 16 year old now. lol. Painful One, my car is going to reek. haha. The quarter is actually pretty dank I'm impressed. So pretty much with the weed thing is my stash got taken away when I was nodding (just the weed... thank fuck not the etizolam).

That girl I like, I don't think is for me anymore but that's okay. At least I am trying and talking to people and that isn't really a problem for me right now as my life is at stake. I have a good feeling about that girl that you did too, painful one, but I'm just trying not to think about it. I'll see her at the mall again and really there is no excuse for at least asking her out because I have realized that even though I know her the least I sense she is really chill. I'm just going to ask her out next time but that's what I said last time. I just need to do it at the right time if it comes.

I'm accepting their help in fact too. So I am seeing a psychologist in a few weeks. I avoided an intake rehab which would have been fucked because of the benzos. Otherwise, I'd honestly go and probably have a great time. It's just the benzos, I need them and I needed them before I was on them and I don't want off them yet, at all. It would drive me crazy with the opiates too. I am not going to mention opiates ever again and a relapse is the last thing on my mind. I don't know my tolerance and that is how I got caught. It was an enormous dose and I don't even remember what happened.

So today was the first day I left bed. I got free teas. I walked around for hours at the mall. I had a good day. Picked up some weed asap and it's great stuff. I didn't like the last stuff but this stuff is great. So I was smoking around 20 joints a day before. I'm going to have to keep it to 2 or 3 a day now, and really that is totally fine.

I found hope again today. Turns out to be the day I got out for a walk at the mall. Really, I have been freaking out more over the weed than the oxycodone psychologically. I feel pretty okay now, like reasonably fine. I'll smoke another joint tonight, and walk around the mall for some exercise again. When I get those endorphins going

Squeaky if/when my boss fucking pays me I am going straight for more loperamide 20mg or so helps but I want to try 50mg because if it gets rid of physical withdrawals, and I get paid and get my etizolam in time, and I limit my weed smoking and keep it low key for now.

The recovery time depends on a lot of things including sleep, nutrition, and activity level. As soon as you are physically able to get the fuck out of bed and get outside without risking s**ting yourself, I would get active. I got a yoga membership but then I relapsed so I haven't been going. But I'll smoke a joint before the yin class in a few days and actually, I should probably do some of that today but I can't. I'm way too restless and with all the walking today after being in bed day after day, my back is hurting (another reason to get active as fast as possible... our pains are different but being active helps mine... light activity obviously I'm not picking up a shovel or even a rake. But going for walks helps... I got for some serious treks through the snow haha.

I think that loperamide did something and in combo with the weed I should be good. Very clearly it is not worth it to relapse at this point if I nearly died last FEW times, the first hit. I don't want to die I may have those thoughts but I wish very much to live. I have plenty of hope but the only way I'm ever going to get going FAST and not waste too much of the beginning of this year is to start recovering TODAY. That means WAY more than just time without opiates. Like the stuff I was doing today and fuck am I glad to have weed again. Looking forward to blazing a joint in a few hours.
 
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Find stuff to make yourself busy. Binge on Netflix. Take up cycling. Find the biggest puzzle you can find and work on it until your eyes hurt. Bury yourself in work.
It?s the staring at the clock that makes me give in most of the time.
Also. Lock up your pills. Make them accessible if you need, but difficult to get to.
 
I threw away the last two pills I had. It was actually less stressful I think. Now I may regret this tomorrow but it has been 28 hours.
 
A part of you will regret that it was the right thing to do though. I threw away over 100 of them last month when I had that not-quite-overdose not knowing my tolerance. Not the one I had recently. That one was much worse, I don't remember anything for 8 hours and I still feel like complete shit as I was already in withdrawal for over 2 weeks and still feeling like shit.

I feel better today than I did after 2 weeks as I was laying around depressed doing nothing. Today, I forced myself to be mentally and physically active and also to begin assuming responsibility. I did a hell of a lot today holy fuck! I even went and got chron.

At least I've got chron and at least she still seems interested. Was her first weekend back I was out at the mall sure as fuck not expecting to hear from her she has lots of friends, had been gone a month.

Made me feel good to see her there. I forgot about my withdrawals, when I was with her. I need to be keeping as active as possible. I am an adventurer, or trekker in withdrawal. lol. I will walk like 10 or 15km in a day or more. That's what works for me. Walking, exploring... eventually I regain the ability to read, and with that comes creative expression once again. All has not been lost, she randomly wanted to chill tonight and that's great. When my testosterone levels out and I have more of a sex drive that will be great too. I was pretty fried though and I wasn't expecting to see her and was already out. I'm not questioning it. Was just really nice that I suffered that much and the first weekend back we randomly hang out. I really like her. Is my heart not broken enough like fuck. I wasn't going to ask her out again; I was in the process of forgetting about her. We chill one time it was pretty uneventful and we were both tired but that doesn't matter because we're talking again. I didn't talk to her for like a month. I forgot how much I like her :_ (

When I kicked heroin which was much worse that was over the summer when I had an exciting romance. My last one. It is nice to have some attention from a lady in withdrawal. We were spending as much time as we could together, was pretty much living at her place half my life. Without that, I would have laid in bed waiting to get better. It doesn't work that way, it takes much longer to withdraw if you don't get yourself moving. I seriously go on treks. Well, my adventure yesterday when I hauled myself out of bed, forced myself to shower and dress appropriately style my hair whatever way I do that day. It is pink with black roots and I love it. I am thinking of what to do next, I am either going to split my hairline and get another colour going too. Doing stuff like that just makes me not be so self conscious it is weird like that you'd think it would make me more. Just what I do, I love dying my hair and getting more and more into it. Apparently bleaching it is bad for the hair but fuck it I'll llkely overdose or seize at some point anyway. Mine was triple bleached, I am enjoying the fuck out of this. Fashion is awesome.

The forced activity helps the most and trying to remember to drink water and have some food. It is good that I am hanging out with this girl but like for fucks sake can I not just kiss her at some point it's so stupid. It's not though like it has to be just right and not thinking about it.

Magnesium helps, L-Tyrosene really helps too (it is part of the thomas recipe for withdrawal, I didn't know that I was using it for coke crashes which it works wonders for)... but I can def feel the L-Tyrosene effect. It's a clean boost of energy that might be all it takes to get you out of bed to walk around the block. Can't forget my plant omega 3 fatty acids I should actually have that after the joint. I have a couple protein snacks too that are easily digested. First. Weed. It's 8am. I'll smoke now then I won't until noon.

Have a good day people I know I come here to vent mostly but I care about you too don't forget it! If you even read this shit at least some of the time, I think that is neat and appreciate that. Feels like journal writing a little to me but I'm also just coming down from the peak withdrawal symptoms and have another couple weeks of feeling like shit to go. I like to help people once the suffering of that is through. These back-to-back withdrawals are really physically draining. I start getting healthy then I lose all my weight. I can barely take care of myself in withdrawal as in taking showers and stuff. It's not very fun.
 
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Satori ; I have read this whole thread and have enjoyed your stream of conscious writings. I feel a lot of your issues point to the borderline personality disorder. (I think I may have this as well) . Practicing mindfulness helps me tremendously, live in the moment (if your present moment is undesirable go into nature, its always healing for me ) . I think thats why I enjoy Oxy and got hooked on it quickly, when im high on the pills, I dont worry about my problems , Im happy, energetic. So now that I have seen the dark side of these pills I have to find ways to get that feeling organically , its a struggle .
 
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That means a lot... sweet!

Well how many pages is it going to take to get clean, and find love. And I guess, a job in my field too.

I have been chain smoking pot since harvest season but I'm now forced with the notion of having to buy it, and I do have mmj access it's expensive though.

So, I am smoking less. I have smoked one joint since the sun rose. I'm smokin the other on my way over to hot yoga this evening. I didn't sleep last night, but the idea is to FORCE yourself to be active no matter what. I do not want to go to yoga one bit, but I might have plans with her tomorrow. I'd like to go to the class tomorrow too but the one today will actually be better for me right now I think. I could never sit still in yin poses right now but these are all flows and stuff I will be doing. If I can manage to step foot in the car and get over there like I didn't even fucking sleep last night and I'm hungover too... yeah don't drink while kicking... just don't... like even one or two gets me.

Squeaky dude I hustled 75mg loperamide. I took 25mg yesterday, 25mg this morning, and now 50mg just now. Dude wtf is this safe can you get bloating if I'm still eating food? Can you get gastro stuff going on too from that shit like... anyways man I'm taking the whole extra 50mg I have all at once now and if it actually helps, plus the joint I cannot wait to smoke at 4:20. That should get me through hot yoga it's just an hour and then I can pass. the fuck. out.

I'll report back about the loperamide dude I'm taking 75mg and I have never taken that much before. 25mg completely stops the runs for me that happen the first few days, but that is not what I would like it for now. I am having severe stomach cramping and nausea, especially after drinking a couple beers last night but I cannot fucking wait to smoke that joint. Fuck. It's going to feel so damn good. I never wait 8 hours like this it makes a big difference I should get relief of the nausea for my yoga class. I'm worried a little cause it is hot yoga and I am dehydrated and feeling like complete trash but I trust that it will help and I'm taking 50mg more ammonium before so (to really give it a test... you will have my report on 75mg in a day

Squeaky by the way how long does this shit last and is 75mg a decent dose considering I'm a week clean now about. Little less. Like 4 days really.. I don't even know or fucking care. You said it took a while to kick in? Any other input on loperamide I know there is a big discussion on it before and Xorkoth was talking about it with Squeaky once I regain the ability to read (aka FORCE myself to concentrate at least for 10 pages... I'll probably read through this whole entire thread tbh. It will be really interesting for me to do that and maybe I will dig up some cool stuff. It has been a while now we have been getting support. I was offering a lot when I was clean, especially in the should I try heroin thread... but I have to focus on getting myself better right now. All I can do is vent because I wouldn't have the patience to scribble in my journal and yeah so good luck to anyone sick. I feel like I have a disease. I know it's never going away. It began with chronic exposure of one or more of oxycodone, hydromorphone, heroin, opium.

When I think back to when I started using I was doing so much raw xanax powder back then, and I knew it was dangerous to combine them but I would take H as well. I started using opiates around 2 months after I got on benzos so starting them around the same time really messed me up I feel but I should be grateful that I even have the opportunity to go to this class tonight sick as fuck with no sleep and my spine hurting like hell.
 
75 mg lope and a week clean... that sounds quite excessive.

sucks about having to pay for reefer. after months of constantly pumpin fent/morphine into my system ( i didn't smoke during then lol ) getting insanely stoned and a fraction of your lope intake got me through the first week fine enough. i recall deliriously laughing when i felt relief from the dank/lope.

gl on your journey man.
 
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