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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Squeaky: Respect! You said you would be back around Halloween, and you are keeping your promise! I appreciate that so very much. I like your plan that you detailed. Don't you find that our tapering plans need to have flexibility built in... meaning that as we learn what works and what doesn't adjustments need to be made? It is such a work in progress.
I had a great month, last month, overall, in that I have my first sizable stash of oxycodone saved. However, yesterday, I took extra for my zoo trip, and today, it was extremely hard to get back down to my taper. It sounds like I am not the only one with that problem... even one day of extra usage sets me back 2 or 3 days. I was really upset with myself this evening. So, Shroomy, I understand anger... probably not to the same degree you are feeling it, but I do experience it at times, usually towards myself. I find I have to forgive myself so that I don't spiral into depression or extra usage.

Tomorrow is another day... and I already started making up for the extra I used in that I added a few extra hours between dosages this evening. I feel better emotionally and physically. I definitely cannot get ahead of myself or I set myself up for failure... I need to stay in the present day, and have a game plan for tomorrow. that is what works best for me.
 
PokeMama- thanks. It's nice to be back. And yes some level of flexibility must be built in. I think one of my biggest problems relating to failure of my taper is not what I did the first day I took extra pills, but the anger and depression towards myself for failing. That leads me into another bad day that STARTED with an excuse to use more. Then another day that is just as bad or worse. Then I'm struggling to get down to where I started in the beginning, and that is even more depressing. It is such a vicious cycle.
When I give myself permission to take a little more, I usually ask myself if I really need it or if I should just go lie down. Usually that leads me to finding something to take my mind off whatever is bothering me and I don't take the extra dose. When I take the extra, I then take the least I think I need and forgive myself the next day. Then I get back to my taper.
 
Shroomy- triggers suck. I am prescribed oxycodone for pain, but it works so well for stress too! There are so many things that can give me a panic attack. My responsibility to myself is to identify my triggers and avoid them when I can. When I can't, I have had to learn a few ways of coping just long enough(usually only a few minutes) to get myself outta there.
I always make sure I have my own transportation for myself and my wife and kid because people are jerks and I may need to leave and go home at a moment's notice to avoid someone or something that might trigger an attack and send me into taking extra pills to calm down. Other people and their b.s. is usually what breaks my tapering plans.
 
^That sounds reasonable... checking in with yourself regarding the extra dose.. but with your pain level and other related issues, it is nice that you allow yourself some kindness.
My son just called and asked my to dog sit next week-end. Of course, I am delighted, as I love the dogs and want any excuse to watch them. Usually, watching them, well, I justify extra doses. However, if I can get steady on my current taper dosage, and stay there this week, by the week-end I will be able to take care of them without discomfort. Plus, they are a good distraction from watching the clock when I get anxious for the next dose. I might just try your idea, Squeaky, and allow myself one extra dose each day I watch them, so that I can walk them or play in the yard without too much pain. And, if I don't need it, I can save it for another day.

So your doctor wants you to decrease your dosage by 33% (is my math right) in one month? From 90 mg to 60mg? Really?? Thank goodness you are ahead of him in your tapering efforts!
 
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Well, I did use my timelock safe today... my meds are locked up for 12 hours, except for my scheduled tapering doses. I am having cravings so this is a very helpful tool in combating them. Otherwise, it is a good day.. heading out to mow the backyard. Fingers crossed my back and knee pain doesn't flare up too much.
 
^You are so right, Squeaky! I finished mowing the lawn, so went to Starbuck's for a little treat. I hope your day is going well. :)
 
Squeaky said:
Shroomy- triggers suck. I am prescribed oxycodone for pain, but it works so well for stress too! There are so many things that can give me a panic attack. My responsibility to myself is to identify my triggers and avoid them when I can. When I can't, I have had to learn a few ways of coping just long enough(usually only a few minutes) to get myself outta there.
I always make sure I have my own transportation for myself and my wife and kid because people are jerks and I may need to leave and go home at a moment's notice to avoid someone or something that might trigger an attack and send me into taking extra pills to calm down. Other people and their b.s. is usually what breaks my tapering plans.
Click to expand...

I would agree that it is sometimes triggered by some sort of bullshit with someone. I have stopped seeing it as a negative thing. I take extra doses sometimes, it's not a big deal to me so much anymore. I need the relief. I have still made a lot of progress but my taper is slowing down. I am taking a break to get my body healthy again. I am doing all sorts of healthy things because I became skin and bones after those months, I just raised my dose by about 20mg so I can take care of myself again.

I usually smoke weed for the stress, when I take extra opioids it is to alleviate my depression and the physical symptoms. I wouldn't say that is a trigger, I don't really have too many cravings. Usually I just want to feel physically well and have energy but I don't get impulsive cravings to use unless I have an outburst. I feel like it's a choice to use extras most of the time, apart from my impulsive emotional outbursts (which sucks when it's like, from someone yelling at you over nothing and you were feeling chill but all of a sudden you're popping 40mg). I went up to around 80 milligrams again and the effects have been stronger. I need to be able to take care of myself so I am planning a much slower taper now. Also, without so many strict rules now that I'm at this point. Pretty straightforward for me to keep track of what I'm taking each day and I still allow myself to be in withdrawal a lot. So yeah it's just really calmed down. I was losing my sanity.
 
Shroomy- It sounds like you're getting a hold on your life. That's hard to do. Great work.
 
EDIT - alright I have calmed myself. I took a long, hot shower and it's time for some yoga. I honestly just hope I did not overdose myself at this point. I took 15mg ir oxy and sniffed 10mg hydromorphone but that's a lot for me with my significantly lower tolerance. I'm nodding off right now. I rarely do anything other than oxycodone. I don't have much benzos in my system though, at least. I'll skip my nightly dose.

It is crazy how worked up I can get. The stress I create does me a lot of harm. I can't afford a habit right now, I mean what I am prescribed is about half of what I need. Even with tapering it's not enough. The cheapest thing available to me right now for extras is dilaudid but I'm going to sniff them. Fuck shooting up I never will. The entire process was honestly miserable and it would have been a huge mistake. I have a lot of meltdowns.

And you are right Sqeaky I really am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was before despite all of this. Before, I was like I am now, all the time. I mean, if I wasn't sniffing dillies it was usually heroin or the old formula oxycontin. All day every day. This is the second time I've been really high in the past two weeks. Also man I've made even more new friends, just online ones, but I am building up a support system and it is kind of like therapy to me, but more fun. Just thought I'd say I feel good. I wanted to hurt myself, the slightest trigger can do that to me. I like this time of the season and I've spent it consistently in the basement this year. I'm just hoping I didn't take too much because I never sniff that much dilaudid combined with oxy. Fuck... I'm not gonna go to bed for at least like 4 hours. Kind of fucking worried about that heavy dosing to be honest. I've been taking just 15mg oxycodone max lately
 
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I used to want to hurt myself just because I was so exhausted from my life. Work, family, etc.... It was too much. Kind of like wanting to turn off the television because the show was giving me stress. I would drink myself to sleep every night.
Now I excuse myself when life is stressing me too much and I go somewhere I am happy ( like my garage or my bed) and I try to remember that If I give up, then they win. There are too many bad people in the world. People like you Shroomy, and me, we gotta stay around so the bad people don't win.
That's why it is important to me to get off these pills and get back to my job, so i can get back to being one of the good guys, instead of a patient who needs his prescription filled again.
 
Hi Squeaks and Shroomy... your posts are very inspirational to me... I consider you good people. Except for my several tapering doses, all my opiates are locked up in the time lock safe. Last night, I really wanted to take an oxycodone... for no good reason. I didn't have withdrawals, I had no appointments. So, I put all the bottles in the safe and locked it for 24 hours. I have a bit of withdrawals this morning, so it was a good thing I don't have access. Just because I went to the zoo Friday, I got off track. It was time to get back to the plan.
 
Yeah man I just don't even know what's going on any more. I have lost my mind completely. I have been sniffing hydromorphone since last night but at least I'm not IVing it I guess. Couldn't bring myself to do it. It is like a heroin holiday basically. I was having a miserable weekend so... I'm sure I'll regret not shooting it later on when I'm sick and have to scrape up money for more. But at least I am saving my veins and those complications that could happen.
Anyways today has been miserable even though I'm high. There just isn't anything left for me to do. I wanna shoot up really bad but I'm a huge pussy about it. I mean, there's just nothing else to do. I think the heroin in particular just fried me at this point.
I'm not taking any oxy until I run through this dilaudid binge, which should last the weekend. It's a completely different feeling and quite nice. Real similar to good quality dope. Anyways, I'll get back to my 'taper' after this like it will solve all my life's problems. Yeah right. My back is fuckin killing me. I literally just can't take this shit anymore. At all. It is not just the withdrawal that's honestly like #3 or #4 on the bullshit list.
 
I cheated on Sunday and took about 45 mg extra, but I'm back on track now at 60 mg/day. In the next day or two I'm going down to 45 mg/day oxycodone. I had heard Lyrica and Gabapentin are good to help with wd's and the Lyrica does totally help. It just leaves me with a hangover the next day or two. I'm a little tempted to try cold turkey on the oxy and use Lyrica to get through the first week of wd's. But then I remember the screws in my back and i say no way.
 
Yeah dude that's where I'm at too. I'm at 60mg/day trying to get down to 40mg/day, occasionally cheating. I made it like a whole week once at 40mg/day but it was honestly insane... like I pretty much had a spiritual awakening at the time. I need to get back there because I've been closed up to that special energy I had found within myself since raising my dose a bit. Was necessary for my health to go slower. I can't wait to be free. I was planning on dropping one 5mg perc every 5 days, so like a milligram a day drop, but I am just going to do it quickly since I don't have too many pills. Not sure bout the travel path yet. Just the start and end points.

Ya man take it easy, cold turkey is crazy if you have serious extreme pain like we do. You know what you're doing though for sure and it sounds like you made some progress too! I find oxycodone withdrawal worse than heroin withdrawal fuck. It comes on fast and is very harsh.

I just let myself cheat sometimes, like planned (pill) cheating. Maybe once every two weeks I'll grab like 40mg worth of dilaudid and sniff it all in 2 days, not touching the oxy. It works on a different part of the brain, at least a little bit, and doesn't really seem to impact my oxy taper that much apart from a hungover day or 2. But I'm getting really pleasant highs from sniffing that dilaudid - that is not really the reason I'm doing it though so much as a physical need to mellow out and rejuvenate - and do so quick and dirty before getting back on track. My body has become wasted from laying around too much in wd. Really not good for the back if I'm sleeping like shit, not eating, constantly flipping around positions like a fish outta water, not keeping hydrated, unable to keep my head up (I was starting to get serious neck pain actually, so I really needed to slow the fuck down). I don't feel the exacerbated pain ironically until I up my dose back to something functional.

Dosing heavy for a couple days, every few weeks allows me to put on some weight and focus entirely on my health for those days that I'm high. I've been feasting like a maniac and sleeping 12 hours a day easy. I feel really great now, and ready to tackle the drop to 40mg. I needed a rest once I got to 60mg, more like a vacation lol.

Feeling great here though! And very determined. My back hurts like hell but it's my brain I'm trying to fix. I am getting a fresh new haircut tonight and then I will remember I got it cut when I became stable at 60mg. I'm hoping by the end of the year to be down to at least 40mg, but maybe I should do something a little more rapid to really get my tolerance (thinking of all the pills that would be saved... temporarily haha). I'm definitely keeping very close track of my benzo use during the taper to make sure that I don't take extra. I have a specific time of the day to take clonazepam and it works much better for my extreme generalized anxiety / panic disorder that way. I was taking way more benzos for the first little while so that was the next step - learn how to just be a panicked man in withdrawal.

By the way, baclofen has proven a great help for me. It works on Gaba B I believe, not gaba A like benzos. But it's great if you want to just knock yourself out and I'm actually going to continue taking it at low doses because it's a pretty good muscle relaxer. I used to use it so that I didn't have to take any oxy's late at night to get sleep... should have kept doing that.

I will get back to normal but I can't just sit here waiting for it to happen. I need to drastically increase my level of physical and cognitive activities even during the worst of withdrawal. I should never allow myself to skip meals, skip glasses of water, skip yoga, or any sort of priorities at all. I'm going to try to continue on with my life normally, as much as I can. It's easier said than done but if you keep yourself busy I guarantee it will go by faster. Sometimes bedrest is necessary for sure though, especially in the early stages, that's why I went for a 10km walk today and did yoga the previous few days I was on dilaudid. I'll be cool to get some bedrest as I drop to 40mg rapidly. If you can focus on a movie or reading (I'm not always able to) it can help a lot too. Many parts of the brain that process pain overlap with other areas such as visual processing, so the more you activate your mind generally speaking, the less distracted you'll be by pain.
 
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I just got back from getting a great haircut... and then read you may be getting one as well, Shroomy? I realized it has been quite some time since I had one... so am quite pleased with the look. I also got some highlights as well, just to pick up my spirits.

Has anyone heard that the DEA is pushing to have drug companies drop production of opiate type medications? That would be very hard on us... it means we would be going from pharmacy to pharmacy... trying to get our prescriptions filled.

If anyone knows anything about this... I read about it on another forum that I keep up with... please let me know. I won't be able to handle much more stress... and that would be very stressful.
 
I've just been expecting crap like that to come in the near future. They have been nothing but idiotic about the situation, always making things worse for chronic pain sufferers while failing at preventing people from getting high. Among other bullshit. I expect it only to get worse and harder to get meds, and to randomly be cut off without warning one day. There's always heroin for me though so if that's what they want to do, then that's what I'll do.

I got my hair cut as well. Looks great, black and dyed dark subtle red. So tomorrow is a new day! Maybe I will challenge myself to see if I can actually accomplish something in full blown withdrawal (well.. 20mg oxy every 12 hours is what I'm doing now whether I like it or not)

yeah like I'm just done moping around. Even if the symptoms are very rough I am going to try to go on with my day like usual, forgetting or at least trying to forget that I am in oxy withdraws. Then if I 'relapse' it isn't so disappointing if I haven't been wasting all my time fighting. I feel like a lot of the things I am waiting to get better from, are never going to come. I have to be the one to tackle that depression, that agoraphobia, that social anxiety... not just through avoiding pill abuse. Just not the panic attacks haha. Fuck that I will never confront those. I was already fucked up when I got on the stuff. There's just a lot I am going to have to deal with down the road, much more than extreme spinal pain. I haven't take any oxy in 10 hours and I'm not used to the wd's since I've been well lately so it totally sucks...
 
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I am feeling pretty sick today. After my haircut, I was feeling lightheaded and dizzy. Well, then I started getting sick last night... I don't know if it is withdrawal or from taking an extra to make it to the appt. the smell of the hair coloring just turned my stomach. I am just hoping I feel better soon, as this is awful.
 
Oops, I did it again.
Unintentional tapering, because it's the end of the month, and because they had me reduce my script a little. Not huge decrease; but from 3.5 a day down to about 2 a day, and I'm so cranky and starting to get depressed. Thank goodness I go to the doctor late next week. I'm thinking about getting one of those timed lock boxes...
 
Hy Anna, that is still a pretty big decrease. Never considered those timed lock boxes, I'd like someone to hold onto my meds for now. I am pretty sick of having that at my fingertips to relapse with. I have been looking like something out of the exorcist lately at my worst. At the worst of my withdrawal I feel like I am being burned alive.

Hope you feel better poke mama. I'm glad I never shot dilaudid because whenever I have it, I sniff it compulsively. I could never control it anywhere near enough to do a taper like with the oxy's... that stuff in my mind is as good as or better than heroin at the doses I am taking. So it's no wonder the withdrawal has been feeling like such torture after abusing probably 100mg of that in the past short while.

I will never give up until I beat this dragon of a drug. These oxy wd's are harsher than any heroin wd I've ever had, even from very pure china white. It's crazy and impossible to regulate right now... I saw what it was like to be off them a bit and be normal again and it was amazing. The reason I relapsed still pisses me off (it was my family ganging up on me, not understanding what is going on and that I need space)

I slipped today because of a minor stressor. I thought I was doing great but it was someone elses hustle. Fuckin trying to get money out of me and I flipped out. Took 60mg oxy 6mg xanax... I never take xanax anymore as a benzo, and at that dose it made me completely numb to everything all day. It was miserable considering I was feeling my soul start to shine again, despite the toll withdrawal has been taking on my body.

I have been adding to the support that I am getting from here. I am certain I will beat this shit because now that I've relapsed sniffing a lot of dilaudid and then abusing oxy's, I just see how NOT worth it a relapse is. Unless you are fully committed to relapsing, which I'm not. If I don't shape up now I'll still be suffering by Christmas - but, thing is, I've been shaping up for two months now. Slip-ups are slip-ups but what really concerns me is how harsh the wd's are getting.

I'm not sure if it's because I keep relapsing or what but it is extreme now, even worse than before. I also ran out of hash, there are a lot of variables... but I will never ever give up until I stop using this stuff around the clock. Discouraged that I slipped so bad on the first day of continuing to try, but then again I plan on trying really hard today. I wish I had more hash but what can you do. I am definitely going to beat this shit though. Taking 40mg a day is what's giving me the exorcism withdrawals... 60mg was okay but it's still too much.
 
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