Hey Vet, you are right about that. That girlfriend is entirely worth these efforts of mine. I'm really lucky that I'm still talking to her but she has an alcohol issue that isn't anywhere near as severe but we can still relate. We can relate about so many things that I really wouldn't know a single other person in my life who would be interested or enjoy that. It's a really awesome dynamic and she is so special to me that I simply refuse to lose her over a fucking sniff of heroin or a handful of percocets. I'm still talking to her every day, and we just talked on the phone for almost 3 hours. I am crazy about her and I'm not going to lose her over a drug habit. I would never forgive myself because I have to see how it plays out naturally without substance abuse involved. A chance to be with her is more than enough motivation to quit, not to mention all ways I have sabotaged my potential.
I took a 2mg suboxone a couple hours ago and I feel a lot more stable. I still have withdrawal symptoms, but they have been lessened to an extent. I wish I had more suboxone, but this one pill may be just what I need to get me over those first few days. I'm not sure if I would want a script for them, I just want to be completely clean and I am prepared for it. I know there is a lot more suffering to go to get to where I want to be, but at least the suboxone has given me a chance to think. Normally it takes several days before I have any sort of cognitive acuity.
So, I hope this suboxone does not wear off quickly. I need it right now just to do my laundry and change my sheets, shower, have a healthy meal, get hydrated and maybe have a up of tea - just recover from the last few days of doing nothing. Since before I went cold turkey there was a lot of drug abuse going on and when I did heroin it really tried to grab at me and get me back. No thanks, this lifestyle is fucking miserable! I know exactly what will happen if I go back to using. I'll slowly die an untimely death, essentially, and the painful process of losing my spirit will drive me insane.
Otherwise, the sky is the limit. I know it gets better each day, just like how I only think those suicidal thoughts for the first two or three days. Then they go away. All the other symptoms will go away too. This week, up until Sunday, is critical for my recovery. I have no choice but to not use at the moment, but I need to be serious about it and want it and remember that it isn't worth throwing everything away for.
Good luck to you Vet and thanks for bringing up the girlfriend part because she is really special to me and I will lose her if I go back to using. I need to get clean now if I want her to be a part of my future and she's being really patient but I can't expect her to wait around while I behave as a chronic relapser. I really do just refuse to give in this time, I want it too much. I want my life back. I want to wake up in the morning feeling like myself, like I have my spirit back which I sold for stupid drugs.
Jus editing this to say did that 2mg suboxone ever help. I feel like that one pill is what I needed to push me through the rest of this acute horror show. It has been hell, but tonight I showered, shaved, changed my bedsheets, had some food, generally cleaned up, brushed my teeth. Things I just didn't have the energy for, but by the time the sub wears off I will be on day 3 or 4 and almost past the worst of it. And I am so committed this time that I will not be looking back. Not sure how sick I'll be in the next few days so I may not be able to post. Talking with her on the phone tonight for those hours really gave me strength. I miss her so bad and as soon as I get off this shit I can work on getting my career and life going.
